A new beginning to an end

[soleil]

I know it sucks and I know exactly how you feel. Heartbreaks suck!

"Heartbreaks suck" is going to be my new mantra! LOL.
Thank you for your words of encouragement & good idea on posting here instead of to him. I was doing pretty darn good about no contact until my relapse this morning.

[brenalim]

Someone once posted to me that "trying was one thing, but trying with the expectation that "A" will result with "B" is a recipie for disaster."

It's amazing how much heartbreak hurts and effects us. I lost 20 lbs in this whole mess (might market that one)! I felt completely out of control of my emotions (still do from time to time). I seriously thought I'd die from it. It's a trauma. You're living through a traumatic experience. You'll probably carry scars from it and it may spring up in your memory from time to time, but you don't have to let it define who you are.

No one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. It's hard and you stumble from time to time. It's also a partnership and if he won't be a partner, then find someone who will. Don't give up on me now. We're the same age and I believe this isn't the end for either of us.

STAY POSTIVIE! YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!

[g450]

((Sol))

Same as others here, I will say it will get better with time. Time is the key. It's been six months post divorce for me and it still hurts. But at least now I am going out dancing, dating and having some fun. You will get there.

Best thing to do is treat it like he died. My XW does the same thing your H is doing. No emotions there to be seen for anyone except her facebook fantasy friends. Don't expect anything from him. You no longer exist in his eyes. Grieve what you had and prepare for the inevitable.

[soleil]

Don't expect anything from him. You no longer exist in his eyes.

Gosh that is harsh but probably very true.
Btw, he never did text me back yesterday. I feel like a fool reaching out to him, telling him I don't want this D, that I think it's a mistake, that I want him to be happy and if that means not with me, then I respect that although I don't agree with it. Is it good or bad that I wrote him that?

And now he's blanking me. Why?

It's funny. You spend all these years with someone and then it's gone. Like it never happened. I'm wondering when he cut me out so much? Did it happen a long time ago or was this a recent revelation? I don't think I will ever love anyone like that again. I think a huge part of my faith in love is broken. I do not ever want to marry again, to give so much of myself like that again just so the other person can call it a "piece of paper." I cannot fathom "dating." Last night I was journaling in my apartment and crying my eyes out thinking all of this is my fault. That if I had tried more or not left or been a better W, cooked more, been more of a homebody that he wouldn't want a D. I feel very inadequate as a woman. I know that sounds strange but I feel less than. pretty bad Is there any way to find out if he's seeing someone when we don't live together?

[ImprovedRomeo]

(((Sol)))

You know the sooner you realize that you can't change other people the better it'll be for you. What he did is wrong...no one deserves to be abandoned this way but it's his choice and he'll have to live with that. He may not see it but his time will come when he will regret it. You can't change him by talking to him or explaining things to him in fact it'll make his resolv even stronger because you're showing your weakness. Of course, you ARE hurt, this IS hard, you didn't deserve this but life happens sometimes...

I don't think I will ever love anyone like that again.

I think many of us feel this way even after getting past the initial hurt and getting over our ex's. I feel the same way sometimes and it's sad because it'll be unfair to the new person you know? Having said that I think once you do find the one I think you will...over time.

Don't feel inadequate as a woman...funny you say that because I feel the same way right now due to something that happened recently but you gave him plenty and you did more than you give yourself credit for. Look, every relationship (not just marriage) has issues you don't turn your back on your siblings when you can't agree on something? or your parents because they're upset at you...you look beneath the surface to see why they're feeling or saying those things and you realize often times it's because they care about you. It's the same thing here...if he was unhappy then he should've said something or tried to go to counseling etc and not just turned his back and said goodbye-goodluck! that's just selfish and self-centered. They want you as long as they're happy and you're meeting their needs but the min you're not you're cut out without warning. That's BS.

You don't want to find out what he does in his life, it's his problem and it changes nothing for you but potentially causes you further pain. You know what they say 'if it hurts when you do something...then don't do it' - You really have to let him go at this point if it's meant to be he will come around. If not well your life is not defined by one person.

Don't think about dating or relationships too much right now- when the time comes you'll find your Ryan C Crest or whomever you think is hot :)for now just focus on what's in front of you, your school, getting through the D, getting back on your feet and your health.

Did you know that the human brain can usually only focus on 3 things at any given time? If you can think of three things or activities then you can give your mind a break from all this. Sometimes I just sit there and focus on my breathing, my heartbeat and the background noise which brings some relief and it gets better with some practice. Just something that might be helpful.


(((hugs)))

[soleil]

He may not see it but his time will come when he will regret it.

I secretly want this to happen (or not so secretly).

Don't feel inadequate as a woman...funny you say that because I feel the same way right now due to something that happened recently

Care to elabroate?

They want you as long as they're happy and you're meeting their needs but the min you're not you're cut out without warning. That's BS.

You are right. It's very selfish.

Don't think about dating or relationships too much right now- when the time comes you'll find your Ryan C Crest or whomever you think is hot

Ryan Seacrest is gay! LOL. Therefore does not quiver my lady parts. LOL. Now, Clive Owen... sure, I'd give that a shot. But in all seriousness, "dating or relationships" is not anywhere in my lexicon so this issue will not be a problem for me. This will take me a long time to get over. I know that and can feel it.

I will take you "think 3 different things at a time approach. Honestly I am tired of waking up eah day crying with a migraine thinking about how he's D'ing me. It's mentally exhausting. But it sure does hurt.

Romeo, thanks for all o fyour posts. You words have made a differece.

((((CantTouchThis-Romeo)))))

[CityGirl]

I know it is a VERY natural thought process to say "well, I could have been a better <insert line item here>" but really, everybody could be better at *something*, ya know?

WAS are very, very deficient people. And it's VERY easy to let their deficient mind rub off on us. I know you were a WAS but IIRC you did not just up and leave one day... you gave your H ample time to work on the marriage before you left.

When infidelity is involved it can make you (general you) question every fiber of your being. It can make you feel like less of a woman in every way. The LBS is feeling the lowest of the low and the WAS is feeling the highest of highs - it's a wicked combination and one that is not suited for communication of any sort.

Somehow though you have to power through it each day. It's a terrible, terribly burden FOR NOW but eventually it won't be so present. That is not to say you won't think of your H or be sad or have hard days but the immediate searing pain converts to wisdom of sorts.

I still cry! It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Each day gives us an amazing opportunity to try again!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey Sol, I don't really want to elaborate on it a whole lot but when others say or do some things to you that are hurtful and upsetting you just have to be the bigger person and learn to detach and move on.

Romeo, thanks for all o fyour posts. You words have made a differece.

That's a nice thing to say and I'm glad they made a difference for you.

Sorry didn't know about Ryan being gay but maybe he'll change when he meets you LOL Clive Owen huh? well there you go, you'll meet your Clive Owen when you're ready. And yes it will take time to get over this but you know you can't always plan things or be too rigid...life throws opportunities at us and we can either embrace them or reject them.

They say 'you only live once...and if you play it right once is enough'

[CityGirl]

And Sol - you don't have to think about dating or heaven forbid getting married again (unless you want to of course!).

No matter what happened in the marriage that was less than ideal there also was a groove between two people. And that sort of groove may or may never happen again. But it's certainly not easy to wipe from your brain. One day I think we will figure out how to keep it in our brain in a healthy way but push it aside far enough to perhaps see if a new groove can be found.

It *is* overwhelming to think about and dealing with what is in front of you is step 1.

And.... boys are stoooooooooooooopid

[Virtually_Handsome]

And.... boys are stoooooooooooooopid

Hey! No they... well.... uh.... never mind....