It goes without saying, but document document document your time with the kids. Every single moment of it. The court generally favors what was in place during the process.
Hang in there!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
We had a court mandated "Parenting Time Mediation" session yesterday. Her L mailed in a formal one-sided (BS) parenting time proposal shortly before the session. On the advice of my L I came with a prepared statement (written by me, in English not legaleze)stating why I believed that shared parenting (50/50) was in the best interest of the kids.
Of course, the mediator did exactly what he could be expected to do. He took the two positions and tried to negotiate us toward the middle.
I refused to play that game. Splitting the difference between shared parenting and 20% visitation is still not shared parenting. In my opinion shared parenting is boolean - either we are doing it, or we are not, and I only support an agreement where we are sharing equally.
And of course STBXW got angry, called me a bunch of names, and stormed out.
Once she left, the mediator gave me his $.50 worth of advice. In his opinion she is in an emotional crisis and is incapable of considering shared custody. Working for the court it's his job to get cases to close via settlement. He then asked me to consider being the one to give in and compromise because she would never be able to.
No way!
I'd ask for your advice here.
She has a lot of arguments she uses for custody, but only one that is real. She argues that she should have custody because I have to work during the day.
Since when does having a job and being able to support my kids make me unqualified to be a custodial parent?
Does the court ever take into account that even if she is not working now, she will have to work to support herself after the D. Therefore the choice is between two parents who have to work full time, not between one who does and one who doesn't?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That's emotional blackmail. My feelings trump your needs. BS.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She has a lot of arguments she uses for custody, but only one that is real.
Negative, Ghostrider; the pattern is full.
That's not a "real" argument, epistemologically, ontologically, phenomenologically, or juridically.
That's not even an "argument." Let us recall Philosophy 101: An "argument" is composed of two or more propositions, a premise, and a conclusion, logically related to each other such that all of the propositions lead to the conclusion, with the transition between premise, proposition, and conclusion comprising the inferences upon which the sum -- the argument -- rests.
What she's got there is a premise that (as you correctly identify) boils down to "daytime employment does not equal parenting capability," a category of premise which is known in the advanced study of formal logic as a "bullsh*t" premise, which comes, of course, from the Latin for "droppings-of-a-bovine-male."
More problematic, her premise is also her conclusion, a logical fallacy scholars call "total bullsh*t," from the Latin for "droppings-of-a-herd-of-bovine-males."
There's no incentive at this point that I can see -- not that I have any particular vision -- to be cooperative, insofar as the mediator and/or her lawyer are concerned.
Just keep documenting your time and expenses vis-à-vis the kids. And you might consider having your lawyer ruffle a few feathers and inform her lawyer that you are considering filing an Order to Show Cause why she should not be subjected to a vocational aptitude evaluation by a court-appointed vocational counselor -- a common-enough procedural request and one which will put the kybosh on this idea that she's just going to float through without pulling her weight.
I didn't say it was logical, I just said it was "Real". I do work. She does not. It may not be a good reason for custody, and it hopefully does not predict the future, but it IS a fact.
The rest of her arguments are either fiction, are based purely on her own emotions, or are just attempts to discredit me without any bearing on what's best for the kids. - "I could NEVER be away from my kids for more than a few days at a time" - "I'm their mom!" - "You are just doing this to punish me because I don't want to be married to you" - "You are just doing this because you want to pay less child support" - "You are just doing this because you are selfish and can only think about yourself"
etc etc bla bla bla
You are right. I went into mediation without any real hope of anything but a deadlock.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
And of course STBXW got angry, called me a bunch of names, and stormed out.
Did the mediator witness this??
Quote:
Once she left, the mediator gave me his $.50 worth of advice. In his opinion she is in an emotional crisis and is incapable of considering shared custody. Working for the court it's his job to get cases to close via settlement. He then asked me to consider being the one to give in and compromise because she would never be able to.
Thinker, if you guys are at an impasse here with the mediator, you may want to consider going to court over this, especially if someone is witnessing this behavior. Does your STBXW act like this around the children?? If so, you may want to hire a law guardian. The law guardian can help decide what's best for the children. The court usually appoints one, but in my case my lawyer had me hire one. It never came to fruition of him actually working,but it certainly scared my XW, who quite frankly didn't have to accept him as law guardian. But she was in such a fog she didn't know any better.
Quote:
She has a lot of arguments she uses for custody, but only one that is real. She argues that she should have custody because I have to work during the day.
That's a load of crap. All you have to do is show that you are capable of getting the kids to school, home from school, etc..whether it family help or hiring someone to help. The court wants to see that the kids can be put in a comfortable routine that is conducive to a steady lifestyle.
Quote:
Does the court ever take into account that even if she is not working now, she will have to work to support herself after the D. Therefore the choice is between two parents who have to work full time, not between one who does and one who doesn't?
Yes, that is why I told you the other day to get working on her marketability and provide your lawyer with that info and then turn the lawyer loose on that.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I didn't say it was logical, I just said it was "Real". I do work. She does not. It may not be a good reason for custody, and it hopefully does not predict the future, but it IS a fact.
The rest of her arguments are either fiction, are based purely on her own emotions, or are just attempts to discredit me without any bearing on what's best for the kids. - "I could NEVER be away from my kids for more than a few days at a time" - "I'm their mom!" - "You are just doing this to punish me because I don't want to be married to you" - "You are just doing this because you want to pay less child support" - "You are just doing this because you are selfish and can only think about yourself"
etc etc bla bla bla
You are right. I went into mediation without any real hope of anything but a deadlock.
I heard every one of these word for word. Part of the script. Don't even engage. Let your lawyer do the work. You be you. It's unfortunate, but this looks and sounds just like mine. You'll be fine. Don't you dare let the mediator talk you into less than 50/50. The settlement you get is the one you have to live with. Fight for what you want. Forget about her emotions and what she wants. When it comes to the kids, I'm sorry, the gloves have to come off. You can still fight for that with Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Last week during mediation stbx hurled a threat that I needed to accept her having custody with me getting only visitation rights or she would "move out and take the kids with her 100% of the time."
After the mediation, I notified my L.
My L sent a letter to her L.
stbx's L chewed out stbx.
And stbx spent most of yesterday raging at me and trying to goad me into a fight.
Uncomfortable since, because it was my day with the kids, I couldn't just leave the house. She of course refused to leave.
Every time she'd start up with it again, I'd get up and walk into another room.
She'd follow.
I finally went into my room and shut the door.
She opened it and then refused to leave my room - effectively blocking my exit because I refuse to come anywhere near her. There's no way I'm going to let her set me up for false assault charges.
So I ignored her - straighened up the room while she spewed at me - until finally she stormed off.
Her spew is transparent - almost 100% a projection of her own fears and emotions. It is stressful, however, and I'm concerned that she could to escallate it.
I've notified my L.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Use the video camera on your phone to record bizarre stuff. CYA.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
