The "I tried" thought is one thing that gives me peace at times. STBXW has the "upper hand" in that she chose to divorce me. Working through that is hard.
When it comes to kids, I have the upper hand because it wasn't my choice to throw their lives into chaos and doom them to a childhood of financial struggle for no concrete reason other than she "doesn't feel" love for me anymore. They know I didn't want this and that's going to comfort me for the rest of my life.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Just tagging in here, 'cause I wanted us both to read and feel RW words of wisdom:
Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't. But that does not warrant abandonment. That is not your fault. That is HIS stuff. Please remember that.
I have spent all this past year beating myself up for X leaving, and feeling ashamed, like you, for "being made a fool of. " My C is going to work with me with EMDR on these things.
I did try saying to myself the other day: Even if it was ALL my fault--if it was scientifically proven that X was perfect and I was a lousy partner--what good would it do me to keep beating myself up with that?
Wouldn't I do better by saying, "fine! It was all my fault! What can I do BETTER next time? what can I learn and improve from this?"
I don't know if that helps as you ride this lousy roller-coaster, but I hope it does.
Each day has it's ups and downs--hold on and you will get through it.
Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't. But that does not warrant abandonment. That is not your fault. That is HIS stuff. Please remember that. I have spent all this past year beating myself up for X leaving, and feeling ashamed, like you, for "being made a fool of.
Amen. Forgive me for posting this for the umpteenth time:
"Keep telling yourself that you can heal from this. You are a good person. No one deserves to be abandoned. Nothing you did warranted this kind of treatment from the person who promised to love you. The issue lies within your spouse. It is a flaw in them that has caused them to walk out on you. You do deserve better treatment. It is better to be alone and happy than to be with someone who would choose to leave." Susan Anderson The Journey From Abandonment To Healing
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Life throws the bad things at us to make the good things all the more worthwhile. Chin up!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Have had a really bad few past days. Migraine from hell for 3 days now, cannot sleep at night, bags under my eyes, waking up hourly crying.
This morning I texted H (I know, I know!) about how I don't want this D and how if he is happier being w/o me than with me, then while I don't agree with his decision, I respect it--that I love him so much I will let him go.
That was 3 hours ago and no response. Crickets.
It's sad. So many years together and now he's... where? Moving on. Without me. All weekend I kept feeling like all this is my fault, since I am the one who moved out. Maybe I waited too long to right this? Maybe he's met someone new.
I don't know. I didn't even go to work yesterday. Confined to my bed all day and kept crying all day long, in the morning, noon, in the shower, at night, waking up crying. I had a lab at class last night and felt hte tears welling in my eyes and had to stop it because my lab partners would prob think I am insane. I have a huge stress headache on the front of my head that won't go away. It feels like someone died.
We have court next Friday. I wouldn't wish D on anyone. Well, you guys can all relate, but for those who don't know it, I wish nothing of the sort on them.
My mother told me she went to look at some furniture this weekend (where H and I bought ours) and the owner there (knows our whole family) told her how sorry he was about me. I guess H had gone in there to buy all his new furniture and told him we're D'ing.
Don't sell yourself short sol... He's treated you like crap and he cheated on you (right?) and he's choosing to go through this divorce. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! If he wanted to save your marriage he would have come after you.
You're in love with the idea of him... what you remember your relationship being. I made the same mistake. I loved the person I thought my H was, not what he is SHOWING me now.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, better or worse. I know it hurts like hell that suddenly, he doesn't seem to want to anymore. But it's his loss. He's the one whose going to have to deal with the consequences of letting you go. You need to GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Make it wonderful for yourself! You're young and you have plenty of time to fall in love again with someone even better. I know it's hard to see right now. Hell, I have to give myself this pep talk several times a day, but you'll get there.
He won't be the last person you ever fall in love with. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
My new favorite quote - If you can't run, crawl. If you can't crawl, find someone to carry you.
We'll carry you!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I know it's hard to see right now. Hell, I have to give myself this pep talk several times a day, but you'll get there.
This made me smile, Brena. In fact, all of you have made me smile. Thanks to everyone who has posted here with your kind thoughts and words of wisdom and advice.
I know that both stbx and I hurt eachother and neither of us were the perfect spouse but I am proud that I'm not the one who chose D.
It's 5 hours later and he hasn't written me back. Maybe his L told him I finally retained a L, as well? It prob doesn't matter anymore but I really wonder if he is seeing someone.
My heart is heavy and feels like it's been ripped from my chest. Definitely the pain of heartbreak. Aw. I never thought he'd break my heart. Oh dear Gawd. I haven't had my heart broken since I was sixteen.
Sol, I'm just swamped today but wanted to send some words of encouragement.
I know it sucks and I know exactly how you feel. Heartbreaks suck! But in most cases we cause our own pain by having expectations of other people. Don't expect him to write you back and you'll feel better. You said to him what you wanted to say that's one thing but because you're expecting an answer back you're feel anxious and down. Don't do that to yourself. Next time don't say anything to him at all. Just post here instead. Tell us how you're feeling, tell us what you're going through...use us to channel or vent. He doesn't even deserve to know how you feel. After the way he's acted why do you want his sorry butt! I know it's hard for you to see it now as it was for me too for 5 long years but now I see it so clearly and wish I'd D'd STBXW years ago when she first left me.
Hang in there, you'll be OK. Take care of yourself! go see a doc if you need to.
(((Sol)))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
