Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[TimeHeals]

i will not let it bother me. Her idea of being civil through this is her having control, no more.

I have noticed that a lot on here, and even in my own situation: The WAS, mind made up and set on divorce, has an agenda already laid out and it executing it. They generally (both men and women) seem to expect the LBS to remain in pursuit mode, act like good spouses with low self-esteem, and play along with the whole drama to help normalize the whole thing for them.

The one time, in my specific situation, that my X had doubts was after nearly 6 weeks of being dark. Unfortunately, when she said she might want to try again, I went all melty man around date 3 or 4, and I was back in pursuit mode, and things went downhill from there. I was back on script, so she could continue with the script she had in mind.

I hope for reconcillation for everyone even though I know it is a long shot.

But know this, if you can really, really detach with empathy and love, if you can stop listening to your ego (which needs all kinds of validation, likes getting what it wants, and which follows a course based only on your emotions, not hers as well) there is hope. But hope is a distant thing now.

Right now, I think rob has you on the right track: get a kid-friendly home for yourself so that you do not wind up in divorce court trying to defend yourself and your home as your wife's lawyer argues that you cannot provide a safe environment for them.

I know you say you are a busy guy. I believe you and wish you luck, but you do have kids, so you have to make time for them and take care of them too (other busy dads do it, so you will do it too).

Make your kids and YOU your top priorities. Remain open to the possibility of reconcillation, but know that it is a long shot, and you cannot argue your wife into it.

All of us here could use more success stories, and all of us here have heard too many "how I let myself get screwed over and even sort of encouraged it" stories. Good luck.

[dsh4320]

Thanks TH,

I am going to go look at places this weekend. I will get a better place situated for me and the kids, I have found a few complexes that are nice and welcome large dogs. Like I said I am feeling better every day. A buddy called me last night and invited me to a UFC party Saturday with a bunch of people form his Crossfit Gym. Should be a good time and meet new people.

From this point forward the only contact with the W will be all business and the kids. I will be cheerful and funny*which I have been). I agree that Rob has me on the right track. I read through more of his threads last night and it all makes more sense to me. As I was thinking last night, W is still attractive (physically) but the way she is acting I am losing the attraction mentally with her. I am starting to feel more of the why would I want to be with someone who is like her?

She hasnt done anything to change her ways, I could be the perfect H and she would still find reasons to complain about the M. I cant do it any more.

[robx]

Thanks TH,

I am going to go look at places this weekend. I will get a better place situated for me and the kids, I have found a few complexes that are nice and welcome large dogs. Like I said I am feeling better every day. A buddy called me last night and invited me to a UFC party Saturday with a bunch of people form his Crossfit Gym. Should be a good time and meet new people.

From this point forward the only contact with the W will be all business and the kids. I will be cheerful and funny*which I have been). I agree that Rob has me on the right track. I read through more of his threads last night and it all makes more sense to me. As I was thinking last night, W is still attractive (physically) but the way she is acting I am losing the attraction mentally with her. I am starting to feel more of the why would I want to be with someone who is like her?

She hasnt done anything to change her ways, I could be the perfect H and she would still find reasons to complain about the M. I cant do it any more.

I think you really need to start asking yourself that question and force yourself to answer it after considering a few things:

- she cheated on you prior to your first separation
- she never rebuilt that trust back
- you got back together again probably for the kid's sake not your own
- you have just been existing in this relationship, it isn't mutually fulfilling for either of you
- she is making you jump through all these hoops to make you prove to her that you are a good man, good husband, good parent... how many hoops has she had to jump through to prove the same to you?
- she's attractive physically, great, I get that and for men, this is a big factor, the male gender is visually motivated when it comes to attraction, we're hardwired to seek out physically attractive women: things like facial symmetry, boob size, bum size, waste size, leg length, calf size, hair color, eye color, height, weight all play into the big picture of what attracts men to women, that is reality that is how men are built. But what happens after the years go by and the shiny face of hers isn't as shiny anymore? You are left with this wife that has been treating you badly, manipulating you, making you believe that you have to work hard for her even though she cheated on you? And it worked too, she's pretty good at this. Is that part attractive to you? Someone who manipulates you and makes you feel bad for questioning the hurtful things she's done towards you?

A few things to think about bro.

[dsh4320]

Yes Rob,

Another hit on the head. Honestly I can look back and say I think I did get back with her out of convienance and not really for what I wanted. She can be so full of herself, and that just turns me off more and more. I can say when we first started to work on things she was being the way she was when I fell for her, but the last 6 months she has gone back to being controlling and manipulative. She got me to chase her as she walked away, and now I have stopped and slowly turning in the other direction, it is the best thing for me to do.

[TimeHeals]

I agree with Rob. Sometimes us men are too easy to manipulate if we follow our own ego: we can either get too hopeful and pursue somebody who offers crumbs or pout like a little boy.

Your wife has an ego too. But shhh! She's more in control of it, but stop letting her pull your strings and see it work.

[dsh4320]

I sent her a texr around 2 in regards to the kids:

Me:where will the kids be?

W; what time?

Me: 4

W;no plans....

Me: so at your house?

W: yeah

Me:i will get them around 430-500

W: I have to be at work at 5
W: U not going to gym?

Me: take them to work and I will get them there

W: U can ask me.....u know? U are starting to be awfully demanding and its rude

Me: Sorry you feel that way

W: Im sure u r.... I had plans and u are demanding that u get the kids and telling me when and where to take them for u

Me:U r working tonight correct? I need more time with them and you are not respecting that. Lets get a schedule setup and this will not be an issue.

W: was he there tues and wed?

Me:who were?

W: (roommates name) at yalls place(she does not like who i live with)

Me:Wed after kids I were asleep I believe(I told her earlier that he is hardly ever home)
Me: doesnt matter I am moving anyway

W:It does....

Me: I will not put my kids in harm's way, thats all I left to say

W:But you still moved in to an inappropriate environment. Why not your brothers if it was going to be temporary. I am not trying to argue I am just uncomfortable with the environment.

W: (roommates name) wasnt there the other night and he wont be tonight?

W: Hello

At this point I stopped responding to her. As I said in my last text I had said everything I had to say.


The fact I live with another guy, who is single does not make the environment unsafe for my kids. I am going to get a lease on a new place so she cant keep using the current living situation against me now or in court.

I feel she is still tring to pull my strings and control me using the kids as the bait, am I wrong thinking this? I am going to get my kids take them somewhere fun for dinner and watch a movie with them. She will try and talk to me when I pick them up any advice to keep it short and simple without coming off as an @ss?

[TimeHeals]

I think you had better find another place because she has told you she is going to use it against you.

[bluestar]

Dsh, you need to talk to your L about your living arrangement. Unless the guy is doing crack, she doean't have an objection. Robx gave you a script awhile back for informing your W that you will not be engaging with her anymore. Use it. Quit playing these passive aggressive games with her. Tell her what she needs to know and be done.

Rob also had some great advice for scheduling kids over on Dan's thread. Read it and get on a schedule. Lead by making a proposal. She will not agree to it given her need to control but you'll be in the driver's seat to counter.

By the way, the next time she says something about your roommate or being "single", remind her why you live there. She filed for D. It was not your choice. You're just trying to minimize the damage by not jumping into something without thinking first. That will be food for thought.

[dsh4320]

TH I have already started that process of getting another place.

Bluestar, I will propose a schedule to her. I think that is a good idea. As far as reminding her, I dont think i need to go there, I have not brought up the D with her at all. The roommate is a security consultant, he is just a single guy, no drugs or anything like that, I still carry a badge for now so obviously that is not her issue. The fact he is single, enjoys being single is what bothers her. But I needed to get into something quickly and this was the easiest for now.

I am going to get my own place in the next 2 weeks for just me, no roommates and when I ave the kids it will just be me and the kids.

Im so sick of this crap with her, it makes me wanna puke.

[TimeHeals]

Im so sick of this crap with her, it makes me wanna puke.

Sadly, me too Not yours; my own.

I had a STBXW calling and emailing all week long to tell me the final hearing is the 13th of next month.
I already knew that. My L told me.

That and a bunch of stuff about how she was glad to know me and good luck on my new life, blah, blah, blah.

I ignored all the emails and calls until today because I had nothing to say.

Tomorrow is my birthday, so I finally decided to go ahead and talk to her.

W. What are you doing?
TH: Trying to get the house ready before everybody comes over tomorrow.
W. Who's coming over.
TH. Well, my parents for starters.
W. Oh, that's right it's your birthday.
TH. <silence>
W. You there?
TH. This doesn't make any sense...
W. It makes sense. Our marriage...
TH. Let me finish.
W. OK.
TH. We're not going to be buddies.
W. Did you read my last note?
TH. You wanted a divorce, we're getting divorced, and I don't feel like there is anything left to talk about.
W. Alright. Take care.
TH. Bye.

So... you see...sometimes... if you don't pull back, they will wear you down until you lovingly embrace divorce yourself. As much as I value marriage, as much as I believe it takes strength and character to make it work, I am not up to somebody reminding me of how they are in control and bent on divorce on the eve of my birthday for no good reason.