Went to see W and kids off this morning, for their Disneyworld trip. Went ok. I was upbeat, and I gave each of the kids some money. I told them to take care of each other, and to take care of Mommy. I got the chorus of "I wish you were coming with us!", "If you and Mommy were together, you'd be coming with us", etc.
W was nice, but quiet, and clearly off a bit. After loading up the kids in the car, she gave me a big sad hug, and said "I wish you were coming with us." I quietly replied "Me too."
I was a little sad on my drive to work, but not too bad. I've got plans for tonight and tomorrow, so I won't be sitting around moping.
Amazing how things change over time. I don't think I ever posted here about the other Disneyworld plans we had. It was almost two years ago. Our M was really bad. Unknown to me, W had a torrid EA going with OM, via phone, webcam, IM, e-mail, texting, etc. All from her office or in our home while I was at work. In an effort to do a 180, I proposed we all take a trip to Disneyworld, something I would have never done before. W was always the one who planned our vacations. W's face lit up, and she said it was a great idea. So I planned the trip, bought the plane tickets, and made the reservations.
In the weeks that followed, W's behavior was becoming increasingly bizarre, and two weeks before we were to leave I checked her home e-mail account. All was made clear. Needless to say, we didn't go on the trip. I ate about two grand worth of tickets and reservations. She actually had the gall to suggest I take the kids to Disneyworld alone, and she would go visit OM to "find out if it's real". Wow. I was in no shape to take a trip by myself with the kids, and I told her if she went to see OM she wasn't welcome to come back home. She backed down, and we limped through a few more weeks before she moved out. Worst time of my life, by far.
Now here we are almost two years later, SHE makes the plans to go to Disneyworld, buys me a plane ticket, wants me to go, and I'm the one refusing. Strange days indeed.
You know, I've often wondered how the last couple years would have been different had I been able to enforce solid boundaries back then. After I discovered her A, what if I had cancelled our joint credit cards, closed our joint checking account, cancelled her cell phone (which was on our FAMILY plan), blocked her Internet access from our home, or even had her clothes packed up and said she had to move out? What if I had threatened full exposure to our families? Immediately filed for D?
I KNOW she would have crumbled and come back begging me to take her back. No doubt about that, but it's the weeks and months that follow I wonder about. There is NO WAY she would have let go of OM so easily. No way. She was completely convinced the universe brought them back together, soulmates from across the world, blah, blah, blah. Assuming I did let her back, and after she felt secure again, I imagine she would have started preparing her exit again, this time being very careful and secretive. She probably would have gotten a separate cell phone to contact him. When she thought she had everything set, she would have then hit me with a giant bomb, perhaps far more destructive than what ended up happening. Who knows?
OM in this case is not married, so I couldn't expose on his end, but he does have his own business. I did consider threatening some sort of Internet exposure to the customers of his business. I am sure he would have went running for the hills, but so much of the advice I was getting said to ignore him and deal with my W.
As time has gone by, I've let go of these "fantasies" about a stronger response by me back then, but sometimes I still wonder. Sometimes I think things happened just the way they were supposed to, to bring us to where we are.
Man, that's an awful lot of "what-if's." Don't beat yourself up, you have no way of knowing. Besides, maybe YOU wouldn't have been ready to be the "New-and-Improved Future" then that you are now, and you wouldn't have been reconcilation-worthy, kwim??
Yeah, a lot of what-ifs. I'm not beating myself up any more, just wanted to dump them all out here. After reading about affairs, and what happens inside the betrayed spouse's brain, I know there is no way I could have been that strong. Wasn't capable of it, so I'm letting go of all those what-ifs.
There was a movie back ten years ago or so called "Fearless" about some people who survived a plane crash. A woman was heartbroken because she survived, but her infant son, who she was carrying in her lap, was killed. She beat herself up, kept saying she didn't hold onto him tight enough, and he died because she failed. Finally her friend strapped her in the passenger seat of his car, gave her a bag of flour and told her to hold onto it as tight as she could, then purposely crashed the car at high speed into a brick wall. The bag of flour flew out of her arms and smashed against the dashboard, finally convincing her that it wasn't her fault. She wasn't capable of holding onto her baby when the plane crashed. She could let go of her guilt. Awesome movie.
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Besides, maybe YOU wouldn't have been ready to be the "New-and-Improved Future" then that you are now, and you wouldn't have been reconcilation-worthy, kwim??
YA I can understand why he would not want to do the princess stuff. My 2 are 5 and 3 S is the oldest. We have only been living apart over a week and he doesnt like being away from daddy. Hang in there buddy enjoy your weekend.
Thanks dsh4320! Being seperated from our kids is something I don't think I'll ever feel is anything other than WRONG.
W is e-mailing me pictures of their time at Disneyworld. Not a lot, just a few showing what they're doing each day. Looking at them hurts a little, no doubt. Talked with the kids on the phone last night. Son sounded a little down, and the first thing he said was "Dad, I wish you could be here at Disney with us." I said "I wish I could too, I'll go with you sometime, ok?" They'll be back Wednesday, and I'm looking forward to this being over.
Hi Future, I've wondered about the throwing the stuff on the front lawn approach too, and whether that would have been more effective. It might have been. But its probably not far enough...like drinking or doing drugs, the OTHER person has to feel like they've hit bottom, I think, for that to work.
My XH was extremely depressed at that time--and I know he is still very depressed. The slow reality of his life alone and with OW is catching up with him. Maybe a fast reality would have been more effective--I don't know. But I think he would have ended up "drinking" in secret, like your W. Setting up everything to continue living a double life. The rush was just too much.
In the end, I feel like you have to walk away feeling in your heart like you did everything you knew how to do to keep your family together. Future, from your posts and your ongoing saga, you have done everything you know how to do. Maybe its not perfect, but it seems like you've tried just about everything you can think of. I think at that point, its not the "trying to think of something else" that will change the situation. You've got a W who is entrenched in her own issues. She doesn't want to lose you or her family, but she wants to "flirt" and date other men. She needs that rush. That's really not compatible with commitment.
P.S. I think for the kids' sake, the "wishing" isn't good--i.e. telling them you wish you were at DW. It will give them the idea that people don't control their choices. Its probably confusing for them. If you wish you were there, why didn't you go? Either--"I'll take you myself sometime" or "You and me will take a different trip together sometime" might be a better reply.
I'm not "thinking of something else" to try anymore. I'm not dwelling on "saving my marriage" anymore. I'm pretty happy living my life. I do enjoy spending time with my W though, and I think we could have a good life together if she works through her issues. Everything she's done and said tells me she is trying. The reality is, she's not over OM yet, and I'm not over her yet, but I'm very close. Until those two things happen, I think we'll be in this limbo. When they do happen, I think we have a shot. I've completely pulled away from her again, but this time it was easy, and I didn't need anger to give me strength. She's not treating me very well any more, so I'm gone. If nothing else, her behavior toward me earlier this summer reminded me how I should be treated. She WAS getting that "rush" from me, let's see if I can get her back to feeling it. I'm not sure she does need it from other men. I think she just needs it from one man, but it has to be a man that doesn't get captured easily. If I want to be with her, I have to be that man.
Yeah, maybe telling my son I wished I could be there wasn't the best choice of words. His reaction was ok though. He knows I'd be there if his Mom and I were together.
This morning was the first day of school. Kids were with W, and I went over to her house to see youngest daughter off to kindergarten. After the kids left, I asked W if she'd be agreeable to changing the schedule to full alternating weekends. Our schedule for the first 18 months was split weekends, but for July and August I agreed to give her every other Sunday, as part of our effort to reconcile. Probably a mistake, but we were spending so much time together, I felt it was okay to be generous.
Now that school is started, I thought we'd be going back to the same old split schedule, so I suggested going to full alternating weekends instead. First W said "My heart is hurting because of D going to school, can we talk about this later? We should meet to talk about a lot of things, and that can be part of it." I said "Ok." The dog was barking in her crate, so I asked if I could go see her, and W said sure.
I played with the dog for a minute or two, then I walked back out to her kitchen. W said "Wouldn't it just be easier to leave things the way they are, since the kids have activities on Saturday morning? What do you want to change things for?" I said "I just thought that since I never get a Friday night with the kids, and you never get a Sunday with them that it would be more fair to go to full alternating weekends. Then it's even." W said "I get every other Sunday now." I said "That was only for July and August." She said "No, we agreed to a three month trial, to see how the kids would do with it, and in my opinion, they're doing well with it." I could see this was going to go very bad, but I didn't want to back down. I said "I gave you those four days in July and August because you asked for them." Then W started getting quite angry. She said "You are not the absolute authority in everything. Your memory is not the only one here. I remember us saying three months. As usual, you are making this about you and me, and not about the kids. I hate your attitude that you GAVE me those four days. It was supposed to be what was best for the kids." I got a little agitated and said "It was just for July and August." Then she got her wounded puppy attitude going and said "Thank you so much for this." I said "You asked if we could talk about it later, and I said ok." She sarcastically replied, quietly, like she was only talking to herself, but of course loud enough so I could hear "It's all my fault, of course." I tried to defuse the situation, and said "W, we're only really arguing about whether it was two months or three months, I remember two months." Then she said "Please leave, I have to get to work." I was feeling very threatened regarding my custody. As we walked out to the cars and I said "I am not going to accept less than 50/50 custody." She got in her car and said "Bye."
What the h*ll is going on? The fixer in me wants to send a defusing message, something like "What are you so angry about?" or "Can we agree to meet and talk before getting entrenched in our positions?" I know that's my "nice guy" tendancies showing, so I'm fighting against them.
She has such anger seething under the surface. She seemed very threatened this morning. Is this all because I pulled away from her? Is it because she thinks I'm dating someone else? Was this her plan all along, to get me to agree to a change in schedule for the summer, then try to make it permanent?
