I own it, the W does not. She feels that the majority of our problems are me. She has a habit of being on her "high horse" at times and looking at everything negative,
This is interesting considering during your first separation she had an affair - so she doesn't own that problem either? She doesn't realize the fact that you can't trust her the way you used to, if she is that oblivious, why do you want to be with her? It can't just be about the kid.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
W says to S come on xander you know your daddy cant eat just one, and she smiled and looked at me. I said well if I had my yogurt I could of had my usual breakfast of yogurt and grape nuts(yum). SHe laughed then apologized because she was suppose to go to the store 4 days ago and has been slacking.
You've mentioned a few times throughout your thread that she is a bit of slacker, impulsive, jumps in with both feet without realizing what she's getting into, etc. It will be interesting to see how she maintains the household on her own when she has the kids on the days that you do not. Allow her to wear her BGP's (big girl panties) and be fine with it. Regardless of how your relationship ends up, her learning how to be independent and responsible and having to think before she acts will benefit her and your children when they are with her, it's not going to happen overnight but it will happen.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
I am not trying to look into it too much, but its still a little hopeful.
You always look into "it" too much and you are way too hopeful and that's what keeps you in that endless loop of making similar mistakes often.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
So I get home from buying a new suit(for some interviews next week) set the stuff on the counter and get on my laptop. W walks in the house unexpectedly, stands in the kitchen and starts looking through my stuff, I didnt say anything. She starts to tell me she had to get a change of clothes for D, and starts rambling and my phone rings for an interview. I had to take it, W is still talking and I just went into the phone call. She walked out a little pissy, and got back in her car and left. I continued my phone interview which turned out to be pretty good. They want to meet with me next week. I am not going to apologize for it, if she brings it up I will simply say, it was an important call I had to take, didnt think you would be home.
I think she thought i was getting the suit for our day in court, LOL!!!!!
Make sure you wear that suit when you do appear in court so that you can "validate" her thoughts. ;-)
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
Ok people, W called me out of the blue, I was busy making the kids dinner. She started with small talk and I tried to get off the phone, politely of course. She asked me If I was serious about my proposal. I said yes I am. For those of you following my thread, I have issues with lying about stupid stuff which is my part of breaking the M down(on my part). In any case she says she wants to believe I want to work on the M. I told her that I have not told any friends or family about the D. They all know we are having problems but they dont know she filed.
She wants to believe me, which obviously takes time to restore trust. She asked me if i go to C on tuesday. I said yes he offered for you to call him if you need to(transperancy). She asked if I go to the church group on thursdays, I said yes I can give you the number of my group leader(again transparency). She asked me why I havent told anyone about the filing, then she said because you want to save the M? I said I cannot save the M, I said I want to work on a new M, but that takes both of us, not just me, I cannot fix anything but myself.
I could tell she wanted to keep talking, but I told her I need to feed the kids and this is better done in person. I dont know what to think right now, I have been a solid DBer the last few days and GAL is getting to her quickly. I think maybe the reality of the sitch is setting in to her a bit, I can tell she is still scared. Any advice as too how to handle it when she gets home? I have about 2 hours, she is working late.
These are still more hoops your wife is getting you to jump through. She has issues with you lying about small stuff and she can't trust you because of that - I don't think that's what caused this marriage to self-destruct. Plus you are worried about building back trust with a woman who cheated on you?! What requirements did you place on her for building back trust? Did you even care? No more jumping through hoops or any other great tricks that are intended for dogs. Telling her you wanted to work on the marriage backfired and I originally said it would. When your wife wants to leave you, she had made that decision based on her feelings, she feels the need to get away from you, she feels the need to be on her own, she doesn't have those feelings for you and she probably doesn't know why she feels this way but she does know that the feelings are real. You tell her you want to work on the marriage, this is against her feelings, she gives you small signs of hope, almost agreeing to the possibility of reconciliation but that was to keep you in line, but you don't see that yet. She filed for divorce, she got her new place to live at (even if it was with her dad's help, she still has her own place, you however are living with a friend, you may have scoffed at her attempt to be independent but give her some credit, she did it and she did it in record time). Realize that whenever you guys talk about the marriage and talks of possibly reconciling are discussed especially in a discussion where you end up leading that discussion, she is just giving you false hope. You will know when she really wants to work on the marriage, it's when you've given up and she realizes that you don't want to fight for her or the marriage anymore, that's the point where she will finally realize that for you it's over. At that point if she really loves and wants to be with you, she will pursue you and it will be evident and she will talk marriage and reconciliation and all that good stuff. You won't achieve this by pursuing her and talking about this stuff. You have to be of the opposite point of view, you tried your best, she said no, you respect her decision and you move on with your life.
Example: You've been working at a job for a few years, your boss one day lets you go. Do you keep arguing with him and pursuing him for days, weeks, months, years, asking to get your old job back? No that would be silly. Yet you're doing the same thing now with your wife. Accept reality and move on, take care of you and your kids, get ready to date other women and guess what, when that happens, don't be surprised if your wife shows up trying to convince you that your marriage is worth fighting for. Women don't want guys that pursue them with an attitude that they have nothing else to go for in life - how attractive is that?
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
W came home, and was beat she sat on the chair and fell asleep, she has to be at work job 1 at 7 am until 3, then off to job 2 at 5-midnight. Hope she is liking the reality... anyway we did not discuss her earlier phone call, from a few posts up... I did not bring it up, when she is ready to talk about it we will.
When she is ready to talk about it, you will tell her that you are busy and hopefully you guys can find some time to talk later - don't be available for every discussion, it's not required and definitely makes you too easy and available.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
Had an interview this morning, W I guess went by the house, she called me, I answered and said i am finishing up my interview, she had a lot of questions, my whereabouts and such, I reminded her that I had an interview this morning, she obviously forgot, She seems to be reacting to the fact I am moving on with my life, getting my s!t in order. She will be a part of it or not, her choice. But I am friendly, told her good luck with her trade show that she is goig to for about 3 hours, she tanked me for that amd told her I had to get going. I am patting myself on the back, I am doing what I need to be doing, not clingy and moving along "as if". She is noticing I believe...
The real reminder would have been: "Look wife, we're separated and soon to be divorced, I don't come after you questioning you about your whereabouts every minute of every day and you need to stop doing that with me. You wanted separate lives and this is what you're getting and you need to stop asking me for every detail - I don't like it/appreciate it and it needs to stop. Please respect my personal space as I respect yours, please & thank you"
Good service at church. The message was about people losing themselves in trying to make their own "image" perfect. It had a lot of insight to what a lot of WA's i think go through. They look back on their M or R, and think this cant be all there is to life, so they try to paint this perfect picture, they pound it in their heads that this new life will be perfect, so they start to believe it. In reality we the LBS once we figure ths out, we can truly detach. The fact they think about the this new life, if you can realize it wont be all its cracked up to be for them, you can let go. For some they will take the W or H back, for others, once you move on so far, your done. You dont want to take them back and put yourself through that misery again. I went through it 3 years ago, and regret taking her back more and more now.I should left her in the bed she made for herself and moved on then. But I did take her back more for my kids than anything. So where to go from here..... tick tock tick tock..... I know where I am going, moving ahead without her, if I take her back in 2 days or 2 months or 2 years, that will depend on how far into my journey I have progressed.
Again you are highlighting my point, you took her back and she never had to work to regain your trust, you never made her work to regain your respect, you made it too easy for her to come back and few years later she's ready to do it all over again. The easier something is, the less value it has because it can be obtained easily. The harder something is, the more value it has because it's harder to obtain. If you could step out your front door and scoop up a handful of perfect diamonds out of your flowerbed, do you think they would be as valuable and expensive? Nope.
When did you decide to stop being a diamond?
You let her turn around your entire situation so that you are the one that has to build back trust, you are the one that has to work for her and not vice versa and guess where you're at? She doesn't want something easy and boring, she wants something valuable, challenging and exciting.
I think this separation is for the best, even if you did get back together again, she would do the same thing to you in a few years and you would be in the same mess all over again because she is too good at manipulating your mind and getting you to jump through all these hoops.
Methinks a few dates (aka social interactions with the opposite sex) in your near future will help turn things around for you and her. You start going with other women (keep it simple and non-sexual, don't hump the first skirt you go out with) and the word gets out, your street value will go up and Mrs.Dsh4320 will begin darkening your doorstep with her presence and working hard to get you back.
...W stayed up and started to tell me about her day, we talked a bit, I think she was trying to through some things out there to test my jealousy, didnt react just listened to her about her day. She didnt ask about my day, I turn away for 3 mins and then she is asleep.
She wakes up tells me goodnight and makes her way upstairs. After about 10 mins she texts me and asks if the salon I got her a gift card at was open on sundays and if i would mind if she went tomorrow. I replied " I knew you would go on a sunday, I made sure they were open on sundays, no I dont mind". She replied with a thank you, and i replied with a your welcome. She did text me quite a bit today, nothing important, and she also made the effort to call me a few times today. I always ended the calls, and was friendly and polite.
We are going to church together tomorrow so I will be chipper and on my best behavior.
You were physically in the same house and she texted you? I'm sorry bro but I think that's just disrespectful, if she couldn't walk a few steps to ask you the question in person that pretty much tells you why you shouldn't be buying her these gifts in the first place. You buy her a gift and she can't even ask you about it in person? I wouldn't tolerate that crap behavior, I would have ignored her text and if she asked about it the next day and why you ignored her text, I would have told her that asking in person while the two of you were in the same house is the respectful way to communicate between adults, you're not 13 and yes there is a difference, if she doesn't realize this then she has a lot of growing up to do.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
...A friend of hers I ran into last night, said with our first S, even though she had OM, W kept focusing on what I was doing, she would even hack into my emails and stuff while we were S and after I filed for D. I guess no matter how much she says she is done, is she really> her friend says the W gets like this and even though she wants to walk away she doesnt want anyone else to have me. Friend asked if I would take her back? I said right now if she was willing to work on it I would, but if D goes through I am done. I am not going to do this every couple of years with the W, when she gets unhappy time to run. She needs to grow out of that mentality its childish and frankly I am sick of it.
So when she cheated on you with another man, she also hacked into your emails and such but you have to build back trust now because you read her journal a few times and lied about a few small things? When does she have to build back trust? In fact, how important could a relationship be to her if she never had to work to build back your trust after what she did? She's probably bored, you're too easy, you let her back in without having to work for it and she came back just for the security of the family life rather than sticking it out on her own. Something to think about.
Rob man I missed your goofy @ss!!!! A lot has happened since you were away. I have thought about the first S and I did let her back to easy. I do give her credit for getting her sht together so quickly. But again she has to maintain it.....
I sent her a text that I was getting the kids at 4 to go to the gym with me and asked where they would be. She said at the daycare with her unless she got off early. I told her if she did she could leave and I will just pick the kids up at the daycare and pay for any additional time. She then texted back that she would juststick around there. I basically said whatever.
I did not ask her, I told her. I have been taking more of a stance like this lately. Again Robx lot of your comments are from stuff a few weeks ago, obviously we are a lot further along in this mess. The more I stay away from her the better I feel right now. Ive got one of my balls back, need to go find the other one, must be on the street between her house and mine.
A few weeks ago in your situation is like a few minutes ago in your situation if you keep repeating the same mistakes and doing the same things, something to think about.
and yes, I'm glad you missed my goofy a$$, in a platonic, heterosexual, man friend kind of way, I don't want you or bustorama offering me bum rubs anytime soon ;-)
Rob I will not do any bum rubs on you or any other man!!!!! cant speak for Bustorama. I am starting to go out, interact with others. I am not going to jump in the sack with anyone too soon. I will just keep doing what im doing now, which is working for me. I am focusing now on work and also my kids. At the same time, I do not tell the W much any more. If she starts to pry I will not tell her any details, just doing my thing.
jesus, she doesnt stop,,,, as i TYPED MY LAST post she texted me and asked "why did you act funny this morning" I was not funny I was pretty calm, goofy with my D and left the house.
I dont need to reply do I? or should I ask her what she means? I think I will just not reply.
Sh!t its her time of the month as well, I probably need to be really dark for the next 4-5 days
no you don't have to do anything, I find it interesting that she seems to up her texting quota per day with you now that you're separated ;-)
You actually need to start moving on with your life, I know you're living with your buddy now but I would considering finding an apartment, at least a 2 bedroom or a small house to rent and start making it your home - you're still in transition, you're not on your own yet. I hear you about the new business and being busy, that's good but let's not keep that reason from letting you proceed with your life. You & your kids need a home (apartment, condo, house, whatever) to live in that is your own place not someone else's, some place that you can personalize and make your own home so that the kids feel comfortable there as well.
You can do it.
As for replying to her text, let her be for a bit, I wouldn't bother replying to her every text, if she continues to hound you, tell her plain & simple "this whole process has made me realize that I really need my space from you, to figure out what I want in my life. I expect to communicate with you concerning the kids but I think we can keep anything that doesn't concern them to a minimum, we're both adults, I think we can handle it, we pretty much have to now."
And leave it at that and if she texts a hundred message after that range from "WTF" to "you're just angry about all of this and being childish" to "I knew I was right about you", don't reply to any of them, give her the gift of missing you.
