She tried to blame me for her experience. I asked her what it was I did wrong, and she was not able to articulatete it.
This is interesting. I get this from my wife AND kids sometimes.
I think this is projection or deflection of some kind. She is pissy and puts that blame on you. You seemed to stand up for yourself a little by asking her to articulate. I think you need to show a little more back bone and let her know SHE needs to take some responsibility for her happiness or unhappiness and at the very least, if there is a problem with you, she needs to take the responsibility of effectively communicating it.
It seems she is used to you egg shelling. So much so that she doesn't even have to communicate, just pout and your mind reading takes care of the rest. That's not fair to any spouse.
HER mother denying HER the chance to ballroom dance is not your fault.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
She tried to blame me for her experience. I asked her what it was I did wrong, and she was not able to articulatete it.
I think this is projection or deflection of some kind. She is pissy and puts that blame on you.
Hi Down, CL Another interpretation of when people try to blame others for their experience, is misplaced self-blame. Often it's the things we despise, judge and are angry with most in ourselves, that we accuse/blame others for feeling about us. (or is that what you were meaning by 'projection', Down?) The reason I think this is first, because of how self-conscious she seems to be when faced with the possibility of making a mistake in public; and second, because she was unable to articulate it, when CL confronted her and asked for specifics as to what she felt he did wrong. That's the crappy thing about low self-worth and self-awareness. It often comes out as... well...just like Down said... 'pissy'. Tough to stay respectful and compassionate around.
Granted, this is a very unhealthy way of relating and certainly doesn't justify what she's doing. I just wanted to throw the idea out there for consideration. I agree with Down that it's her job to learn what makes her happy and communicate respectfully. Just keep remembering your boundaries and don't accept that misdirected blame CL. Take care.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Another interpretation of when people try to blame others for their experience, is misplaced self-blame.
Just keep remembering your boundaries and don't accept that misdirected blame CL. Take care.
FMV, DNO, I like the concept of misplaced self-blame. That is a good description of her process.
In my effort to promote problem-solving, I offered to attend an extra lesson to help her learn the skills she needs to be comfortable in a ballroom setting. She took me up on the offer. I emailed her that I would be willing to do this for one month, as I'm sacrificing my swimming practice. She wants to split both lessons into ours and hers. I countered that Thursdays lesson could be hers, and the ongoing weekend ones stay ours. I did pay for a package of lessons too, so think I should have some say on the agenda. We'll see
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm going to also have to navigate her unemployment. Money has become a sensitive topic. I'm going to have to put boundaries around money discussions, and work on being nonreactive and listen if she is respectful. Over dinner last night, she shared that the reason she left in 03' is because she wanted to have a child, and didn't see any prospects with me. She would have liked to be a stay-at-home mother. I was not aware of this at the time. I don't know how I would have responded if she raised the issue then. She also says that if I were to die, she would look for a man who can support her financially. She is weary of having to be mindful of money.
I tried to listen nonjudgmentally, and not take it personally. She seems to desire a higher family income than I do. I don't know how to solve this problem. I'm not willing to leave a job that I like; I make a modest, but respectful salary. CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Yeah, don't take that so personally. Who doesn't want someone to support them. If I could be married to me...or married to the me who earns $500,000 a year. I am picking the me with a good job every time.
Again, not necessarily your problem to solve. Just watch out for banana peels on the stairs.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
that's a big fear for most women, she needs that security.
lead on this
have a money talk
Income - Expenses = Profit (savings) it's like trying to lose weight you can control how many calories your bring in and how many you burn.
If your income is fixed then go thru the expenses, what does she want to cut out, if she worked what would it mean to your situation, do you two know if you will be able to retire like you want?
be business like, show her all your accts, take the drama out of it. facts tend to ruin emotional arguments.
"i understand you would like to have more, where do you suggest we cut expenses?"
let her decide working would be good for both of you, "we could take the extra trip a year if you worked." , make it win-win
she let you see into her, be wise
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, DNO, Thanks for your advice. I don't know what I could do differently to help with family finances. I work full-time, I spend very little, I watch the checking accounts and make sure bills are paid, I help my W with her part-time cooking job. She was talking about fear of bankruptcy, which is not an issue. We have equity in a house, which I've only tapped into twice for kitchen remodeling and home improvements.
We've met with a financial planner three times over the past ten years. We are on a good path for retirment. He set up her inheritance in an income account to generate extra cash for her, so she would rely on the credit cards less. We do have too much credit card debt, which won't be addressed until she returns to work. She complains about raiding her income fund, but she's the one who wants to pursue vacations and dance lessons. She's done a good job of keeping our next vacation on a budget.
I have not in her two months of unemployment nagged her to return to work. I have also not nagged her about spending on the vacation and dance lessons. I've decided that she needs these positives to hold onto during her unemployment, and the debt accrued will be temporary and managable. I want it to be her idea (as you say), and to return in the form that suits her. I agree that this is not completely my problem to solve, nor should I overextend myself looking for work I won't enjoy or working extra hours while she sits at home. I'm thinking that once she returns to work, we should meet again with a financial planner to have him keep us on-track.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She's done a good job of keeping our next vacation on a budget.
This is a win-win. She has something to look forward to (woman hate to be bored). Plus she is budgeting, she likes this. She feels in control of the money (security).
Quote:
We've met with a financial planner three times over the past ten years.
That's good and it works for you, men tend to think strategic and women tend to think tactical. She needs more information about the day to day financial issues. She can feel in control then and therefore feel safe.
Give her what she wants. She wants to feel secure about money, she wants to feel provided for. It's not about how much you make. It will be very attractive to her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I accompanied my W to her private lesson this week. After another frustrating experience at a ballroom event, she has decided to expand her dance repertoire. She wants to be able to dance every dance, if that is what she chooses.
Last year, I ventured into ballroom on my own, after she started sleeping elsewhere again. I was contemplating divorce We had a dancing separation for most of last year, and she partnered with someone from the Salsa community. We were roommates.
I ventured to a new studio last December, and allowed her to attend with me. She began taking private lessons. They were her lessons, and I filmed them for her. I went to group classes on my own--Waltz technique, Samba workshop, and other dances.
An opportunity came in March for a Hustle formation team. I decided to see if I could move the R forward one last time. It was a success. The connection increased and the dance partnership taken to a higher level.
The instructor noticed our work ethic and invited us to join Tango and later Cha Cha teams. We spent the summer attending group classes and private lessons weekly. We have been learning dance technique and fundamentals of body action, leg action, body shaping, and styling. It's been a year of personal growth for both of us. We will be performing at a dance convention in September as part of three teams.
I dance the Latin dances with her because that is what we can do without conflict. The smooth dances (Waltz, Tango, Foxtrot) are still new to me. We end up fighting on the floor with these dances, so I dance with other ladies. I'm willing to practice on the floor. She wants to be competent before she hits the floor. The instructor is going to help us evolve into being able to partner in the smooth dances. This would expand our repertoire and allow us to dance together at most any event. This would also also increase the number of dances we can do together. This would correct the ratio of dancing between she and I and I and other ladies to one of mutual satisfaction. She later complained after our weekend trip, that she wanted to dance more with me. It's very difficult for her to sit out a dance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
