To Tell or Not to Tell

[Puppy Dog Tails]

LRT,

This is a song that's frequently got me thru my "Why???" times. I hope it gives you some comfort and encouragement!

Puppy

"Higher Ways" -- Steven Curtis Chapman


Higher Ways
Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: For The Sake Of The Call


If I could only fly, I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with you at your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions 'cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand, I don't understand

And I have prayed, that at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I won't worry I won't be afraid
Cause My soul is resting on your higher ways

So let the road ahead become unclear
For I am yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways teach me to trust you
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of a father hiding his children in his love

So let it rain and if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
Because this soul of mine is resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways teach me to trust you
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of a father hiding his children in his love

Someday I will fly and maybe then you will take me aside and show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with you I'll be here with a heart that is true and a soul that's resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways
Resting on your higher ways

[LRT Land]

Thanks Goodman. Sadly, I'm starting to feel the same way.

I just heard from the doctor. The pg is not viable. So at least one tough decision I won't have to make. I haven't told H yet. Not after the last 24 hours.

[silverado]

(((((LRT)))))

-silverado

[LRT Land]

Puppy - I just saw your song. THank you. I'm going to print it out. I like it very much.

[kara]

(((LRT)))

No words, just hugs.

[A_goodman]

I know you are relieved and I am for you. I'm also sad because I know a small part of you probably isn't relieved. I know that's mind reading, but my heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry for calling your H names. Not my place and not helpfull.

Take care of yourself.

[LRT Land]

The first counselor we saw tried to tell me to separate H's behaviors from the person. When he's in one of these dark places, his whole persona changes. His face seems longer - he walks heavier.

Still, when he came home 3 hours late tonight knowing I've been struggling physically and not returning my phone call, I don't think I responded in the DB way. I basically said 'you'll be happy to know I should have a miscarriage any day now, so if I don't address your legal concerns fast enough for you, then you should do what you need to do, but I'm going to take care of myself right now.' His response? silence.

And that is what I'm going to do. I'm just hoping my body does what is supposed to because otherwise I have to go in for some procedure.

I will close my bedroom door tonight. I highly doubt he'd sleep in my bed anyway, but it gives me a small measure of feeling like I have some control over any of this.

Goodman - no worries. I have similar names cross my mind today.

Thanks all for sticking with me through this horrible story.

[MM78]

I am just so sorry you have all this added stress right now, but I'm glad that the decision has come quick and is no longer in your hands. There is a master plan for all of us.

Keep taking care of yourself, LRT. Many hugs to you tonight.

[LRT Land]

Miscarriage hasn't started but I can tell it's over - just feels different, and as I mentioned it never felt right. What I didn't share with H because he didn't value one new child is that the doctor told me this would have been twins based on the hormone levels and the huge drop in the labs. While I am relieved to not have to make the decision, I am mourning the loss.

These are some of the things I'd like to say to H which I can't so I'll say them here, and thank you all for sticking with me:

- grow up.
- do you ever think of anyone besides yourself?
- not having sx for 5 days doesn't give you the right to act like an a##hole
- how can you possibly blame me for the pg when it's common knowledge it takes a sperm and an egg?
- why can't you own your issues and get help?

This morning, he was flipping back and forth between Jekyll and Hyde. This means he's coming out of the snit. I didn't take the bait. And when he got to a point where he started raising his voice and saying very nasty things I calmly said "i'm not going to let you yell at me" and walked away.

The past is history, the future is uncertain, but today is a gift. Cherish each moment and don't let ANYONE rain on your parade.

[A_goodman]

LRT,

I know you would have been great had things worked out the other way. I'm sorry for your loss. At least it wasn't your decision.

As to H, I apologized yesterday for saying what I did and meant it. But only for saying it. That doesn't mean it's not true.

I'm glad you open up here. There are a lot of folks following you and posting their care for you. Know that you're not alone.

Maybe the reason God gave you this trial was to show you how strong you really are. Even during the height of this stressful situation, you were able to remain calm and steady with H. It was very impressive. You should feel confident that you can handle anything from here on.

Cheers.