Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[dsh4320]

Moved a bunch of stuff today, Texted the w and told her wont be able to take kids to gym, still moving stuff. She texted back and lit me up about not making plans with the kids unless I am 100% sure i can do it. What i would have done before is bitch back and defend, but she is correct I cannot do that to my kids, so I just replied" your right".

Then she texted me that our S got in trouble at school already on his second day, hit and pushed a kid in his class. W says we need to be firm with him and compasionate at the same time, that he is going through a lot right now, and since we are switching ins companies we cannot take him to his therapist. I agreed with her, and said I can take him to my C office which have therapist who wirk with people on tight funds. She said she didnt want to change him from his current therapist. That she would figure it out.

I did not reply. This is where I need to figure out the best way to contact her on the kids. She enrolled the S in a school before telling me and also took him to a therapist without talking with me about it first. It is disrespectful, SO any advice on what to write??? I think I need coach or puppy or Robx on this one..... She is overstepping again, and this is one boundary i need to put in place. Help...

[TimeHeals]

She is leading. Why didn't you approach her first with the questions of school enrollment and possible child therapy?

You are so focused on her that you aren't taking the lead.

[dsh4320]

Yes she is leading, and right now, the way things are I can only lead what is in front of me. S has already started school, and is settled in her house. As far as therapy, I need to get more involved in that, period.

She texted me on my way to C appt at 8, asked if I put anything in the attic, she could look herself but i said yep and asked if the kids could call me, since I only had 10 minutes. She replied why only 10 minutes? I said I am on my way to C and only have 10 mins. S calls from her phone and we talk for about 10 mins, I was on speaker, and he tried to hand the phone to W, and i told him I had to go and he can hang up the phone. After 20 mins in C session she starts texting me asking about finger nail clippers? then asked about one of our dogs vet appts, we have a 7 yr old akita who has bone cancer, I will probably have to put her down.

I did not respond to any of it since I was in C, she knew this. SO I decide not to and just head home. I get home and she texts again, Hello? so I reply Hi. She asked again about dogs appt, I said I didnt take her today will have to reschedule. She said if you have to put her down I think it is best not to tell the kids with everything else going on right now we have to keep positive things going around the kids, agreed? I just replied with a yes.

She said well let me know if you do put her down, Night!

I replied ok day!

That was the end of the convo, She was very snappy today with me and the kids, I overheard her being snappy when talking to S, and obviously her texts today were also that way. I did not inquire to her mood or why she was being this way, just letting her be.

Tomorrow Night I will have the kids take them to church for a back to school function, then they will spend the night with me. I need to pull away a bit, she saw some humor in me yesterday and is being crappy today. I have still been upbeat and have not been defensive or confrontational.

We are separated, she has filed, she has the kids how does one lead from this point? All I can truly do is GAL and do 180's go somewhat dark. I am leading my life, but it is hard to lead for the kids from this point?

[TimeHeals]

I don't like that she's leading, DSH.

Let's look at this:

She asked again about dogs appt, I said I didnt take her today will have to reschedule. She said if you have to put her down I think it is best not to tell the kids with everything else going on right now we have to keep positive things going around the kids, agreed? I just replied with a yes.

All you had to say to get back on balance here was, "I'll have to reschedule because I was very busy, and I'll let you know what I decide to do".

You see? You aren't being mean, but you aren't taking orders.

She's acting like your mom. Like she has to tell you to do stuff or it won't get done.

Think about this. You didn't initiate the school enrollment, and she seems to think you can't take care of things on your own.

Possible 180? Lead.

[TimeHeals]

PS. Your new theme song is CCR's "Taking care of business".

[LSG]

dsh,

Fight for your rights with your kids. You have to do it for them and you. File an Order to Show Cause for your visitation and custody rights so they are recognized. This is what I would do as soon as possible. This is where you can lead.

Make sure you are always going to do whatever you say for the kids.

I hope I am not being too harsh. I just want you to have a great relationship with you kids.

Keep fighting for what is right.

[TimeHeals]

I hope I am not being too harsh. I just want you to have a great relationship with you kids.

I don't think we can be too harsh with him. He's always waiting to see what his wife's next move will be, and she is busy thinking up and acting out next moves (leading).

He needs to stop waiting for her to decide everything, or he's not going to like the results.

To you DSH: stop worrying about what your wife is going to do, and stop taking all of your direction from her. Be a man of action. Take care of business.

[robx]

W told me she loves me and has felt neglected during our whole M. So by going totally dark and going along with it seems to be putting the nail in the coffin.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of double guessing yourself and your actions, did you neglect her, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, however we forget that they do have the ability to communicate these things to you, if they choose not to, it's not entirely your fault. Did you feel hurt & neglected when she had an affair during your first separation? Are her feelings of neglect really just feelings of boredom and placing the responsibility on you for keeping her excited and stimulated all the time - where is her responsibility in all of this? She is an adult, we all are, we're all responsible for our actions, don't feel like this is 100% your fault because it isn't.

I know pin, I did book her a massage and facial for the hell of it. If it doesn't show her something then oh well.

All I can say to that is .... oh well ;-)
I have no idea what that would be for? "...Thank you for separating from me and contributing to the breakup of our family?" I don't think this gift was necessary and I'm sure all it just accomplished was more confusion.

She says she is paranoid around me, worried about her every move and how I will react. SHe says she has noticed changes in me, but does not believe they will stick, that is my M.O, work on changes and go back to the way it was.

Did you place any requirements on her to improve as a spouse after the first separation and her affair? Don't fall into the trap of having to jump through hoops for her until you are just "perfect", if you are expected to change while she remains as is, do you really believe that would work? It wouldn't. You would have a feeling of something lacking, after all the effort you put into changing and becoming Mr.Perfect, she would still be the same spouse - where would your reward be? This type of idea always leads to the same place, high expectations that don't get fulfilled leaving someone always wanting more which leads to problems, fighting, animosity, etc. Don't get sucked into this trap, you might actually discover that you're pretty damn fine as is, maybe her judging criteria is flawed or maybe it's all an excuse and no matter what you do, she will never be happy - people like this exist, plenty of them.

I did speak with my L today, I am going to represent myself at the first hearing, with our first S I was awarded full custody, so I do have that in my court. My plan if it gets to that is to ask the Judge for custody on a 50/50 format, no child support either way and we split the assets down the middle. If that is not acceptable I will ask for a continuence to hire an attorney. I do not want to retain one at a couple grand right now, the papers I was served with are not asking for a whole lot, she is not trying to rake me over the coals.

sounds fine to me but I would still get a decent legal opinion on this. I do believe however that previous history is on your side on this matter but I wouldn't make any assumptions on what the future holds.

... W obviously got the card, which was pretty much a card that spoke of things in the past cannot be undone, the fact I reflect on problems and apologize for the hurting it caused. the end of the card says I love you and always will. She was given a single red rose and a gift card for a facial and back treatment. I gave it with no expectations, a little worried she was going to flip out about the cost, or say something like dont do things like that. Neither happened. She looked very tired, she was lying on the bed with our D falling asleep on her chest. She looked at me and said she is asleep. I walked over and picked our D up rocked her a bit and laid her down in her bed. W looked at me while I did this, got up and went in her room.

Did you really give it with no expectations?
C'mon be honest. You're hoping all this effort into being a great new man for her will wake her up and she'll finally ask you to give the marriage another shot. These are the things that aren't working, improving yourself so that she will like you better, buying gifts, etc. Improvement is an awesome thing, I'm all about self-improvement, but when you improve yourself to please others and to win back their approval, that is just supplicating behavior and it usually never works, just an FYI, these are the things that AREN'T working.

...yes she has moved quickly, I also think about the first S, I filed quickly then, maybe she was freaked that she needed to file before I did. Dont Know...Again, I am trying something different bcuz the other stuff wasnt working for M. But I want everyone to know I am working on me, and the fact that I am doing different things makes me feel better about myself, I can look back and say I tried

There is a lesson in this, originally you moved quickly and she responded accordingly, crisis/fear of loss, afraid to lose you during the first separation because you wouldn't stand for BS. The dynamic changed this time, she did it first, filed for D and you started to change and act differently to get her back. This is exactly how it worked. If you had done the same thing this time before she had filed, you would have rec'd the same result as you did originally and BTW you don't need to let everyone know that you're doing things differently to make you feel better, improving your life is for your benefit, nobody else, no one else gets to live your life, only you do. You can hope to set an example for your kids to do the same but your goal in life is to live a great life.

I am trying to mix it up a bit. I have given her something to show some affection and love but I am also detached not showing to be needy showing strength. I guess the best way to put it is that I want to work on M, but if it doesnt happen I will move on....The waiting game is what sucks. I know a lot of people here would rahter it be done, or get back to working on M, but we all have to wait.

Why are you trying to mix it up? That's my question.
What is the goal of this action? Let her go, that's the quickest way for her to come back if she wants to come back at all and that's not guaranteed, never has been and never will be but you won't get her back with a few gift certs. Showing affection, buy gifts, changing for her benefit are all forms of pursuing, pursuing women this way doesn't work, never has, never will - these are the things that aren't working, these are things that you are doing, that is your reality, don't fight reality, it is what it is, accept it, use it, learn from it. You don't tell her you want to work on the marriage because that is pursuing especially when someone has filed for divorce, you just agree with her decision, you make it your decision too. You agree with her and she has nothing to fight against, if you want the same thing, how could she fight you? You let her go, she wants a divorce, you say "YES I TOTALLY AGREE!", saying anything else will just communicate the fact that you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and these forums are filled with spouses that communicate this very same thing to their wayward spouses and guess what....It never works. It's pursuing, it's chasing, and if something or someone chases you, you normally run away from them, that's just the reality of human nature.

There is so much more to go through in your thread but I wanted to chime in, it's definitely been a while and you need to get back on track.

[40andsadintexas]

robx will you look at my sit and hit me with a 2 x 4 for all the wrong things I have done?

[PMA_Baby!]

Rob you nailed it!! Nicely put. Everyone should read and learn from this.

PMA