Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

I've learned something profound these last few years .... the tighter one hangs on to something or someone, you're bound to get to the point of squeezing it/them to death, figuratively and emotionally speaking. The opposite of, "if you love something, set it free ...." This includes adult children, friends, houses, spouses, dreams, and so on.

Obsessing over something is cutting oneself off to other, possibly better, options and opportunities. Just enjoy the moment, the person, the object without any expectations of true ownership. I wrote the above on my FB.

I have grown so much over the last 6 or 7 years, through my H's EA, the advice given here on the board, from my dear friends, putting good 180's into action, and through my illness. I have truly tried all I can to save my M, while still hanging onto some semblance of self worth. Unless he changes in some way that tells me with certainty that he loves me .... no, not even that will do it. It's time to set him and myself free. We have to disconnect financially, as we are disconnected emotionally. There is nothing left on which I can start to build up the R.

I reconnected with an ex boyfriend a couple of weeks ago --- one who I often thought of and wondered "what if". I am happy to report that I felt nothing, just interest in what he's been doing, and nothing else. He is divorced, but I just felt sadness for him to have gone through that, but he does have a gf. So, I am free of past emotions and attachments and present ones. It is a great feeling. I can just be myself and not have to be concerned how what I do will affect anyone else (except my children and grand-children of course, but that's a different attachment altogether; one that brings me extreme pleasure).

There's muh thoughts for the day.

[peacetoday]

so well put, being
we have to set them free..no holding on to anything
we need to find ways to create the life we want
and those who wish not to stay or thyose we chose to not be with
it is all ok
we move on lovingly let go
easier said --but it is the way
peace

[BeingMe]

I haven't been on my own thread in awhile, so let me do some journalling ...

I am worried about my H. I think he is very depressed but won't take medication that the IC recommended. He has not gone back to the IC, and has only gone once, so I don't know how I can convince him to go again, and to take the medication. He tells me the IC told him that 30 minutes in the gym or running everyday is as good as the medication, but he does that sporadically. So, I told him that he should take the medication, then when he feels better, he will be more motivated to go to the gym or run. It seemed that he listened because the logic is sound and he is one who likes logical arguments. He couldn't fault it anyway. I spoke to him last night while driving to the airport (2.5 hours away) ... can't run away from a moving vehicle (hehehehehe). It started with my stating that I want the separation to be official since he may be taking a job that will keep him away for 9 months (with one plane ticket home in that time). I want to be free to pursue what I want and not have to worry about being attached. The SA will, of course, result in a D eventually, I have decided. Nine months is a long time away from one's home, and he could find someone else to love ... we just don't know ... he denies that possibility. I, too, may find someone else ... who knows. [I mentioned an ex-boyfriend who I have come in contact with, and that I felt nothing for him. It took me a long time to get over his breaking off with me, and his reason (which he told me now) was that he was very much under his mother's influence at that time. He now says he was very sorry. I was glad to hear the apology, which was a long time coming .... 30 years. He is divorced now, but he has a gf, and I have no intention of starting anything except a friendship, and it sounds like that is his intention too. He lives in Europe anyway. He cannot be trusted with my heart again. Same with my H. I feel there is no going back. It's a pity my H didn't feel the same thing when he had this EA with his high school flame.]

I'm trying to understand the reason for his depression which has come on in the last few months (according to him). He has been distant and lacked intimacy with me since he broke off with OW, but he denies it, so I think the depression has been there since then, but worsening. He said he had been trying to reconcile, but I didn't see it. I think in his mind he was trying, and I don't read minds. I told him he should've made sure that I was aware, even if he had to shout it out. Not his style I guess, perhaps he wasn't doing enough, and now the love is gone, but I still feel my vows strongly ... in sickness and in health ... can't leave him while he is like this.

It seems he feels that everything is happening all at once ... his mom's altzheimers; his dad fell (but he's okay now); my illness (but, I am fine now, and I rarely leaned on him since he wasn't there to lean on, so I don't see the issue there); he feels he's not good at his job anymore (I think this is just a pity party, and he gets headhunters all the time ... bad workers don't get that) ... he feels desperate to make more money so that he can pay for D17's uni fees, but also to help D23 if she needs to leave bf or to study; this is the daughter he is worried about who has made a bad choice in mate and is now 23 with two little girls (one almost 3, the other just turned 1, and a boy due on Oct. 1); S23 is also a source of worry. He just seems to feel as if his whole world is collapsing and everything is happing at the same time.

I tried to tell him that life should be a joyful thing, that he cannot control the choices others make (not even his children), that all he can do is support them emotionally, but we know how bad he is at doing that (and sometimes financially), that to remember that family and friends are the important things in life, not a job. Jobs are there to get money to support that which is important. He even started saying that he is a failure as a husband, in fact he is a failure with everything ... whereupon I interrupted him that that is just silly ... how can one be a failure at everything ... he does this a lot .... I asked him why does he do this? No real answer.

Which brings me back to IC and medication. He should take it so that he can feel better and see how life can be so wonderful. I told him that I miss the old H, the one who could overcome everything. He says he misses his old self too. He doesn't feel like doing the things he usually like, for example, riding his bike, or working on the house. He's just not the same, and he hasn't been since the EA. I asked him if he still wishes that he had had a life with her, and if he did that it's too bad that it was with me. I was there, and she wasn't. Nothing can be changed in the past, but we can try and look at the happy times, and lean on that. [Of course, if he had lived his life with OW, it could've been worse, one just can't play that game of "if only".] He did say that we had some good times ... gee, thanks. [Most of the bad times was initiated by his selfishness regarding porn, working away from home then thinking he could take over on weekends, withholding info that was important for me to know, etc. but I didn't even go there ... pointless since he doesn't think those things mattered, that it was me withholding s*x and being miserable that was the cause, and I was that because ....... it's an unending circle of whose at fault.] It doesn't matter anymore. The time after the so-called R matters and I did say that his behavior over the last 5/6 years has slowly killed my love for him, until it is gone. However, I still regarded him as family, and that I regarded our friendship and co-parenthood/grandparenthood as precious. I told him I was sad about losing that love, but I had tried to hang on, but it was impossible in the end to maintain with little return. He said he didn't want to S, that it was me that wants it. He said he wasn't interested in finding someone else, and that I had said the same thing, so why bother getting S'ed?! I have to say that that was a good question, but I have come to think that there is no point being tethered to someone who is not into you. Who knows, once we are free, we just might find people who we can love again. Unlikely for me, but who knows. I think he is afraid of that freedom.

There was more, but in the end I told him that I still care about him, but I can't control what he is going through, so please to let me know if he needs my help. He actually said thanks. Oh, for a H who actually talks and tells you of his problems and issues. How easy it would've been! But, again, I am no mind reader, and he is no talker.

Well, there's my update. I'm not sure what my next step should be. I think helping him get over this depression is the major thing. It all depends on what project he'll be on. In the meantime, I am still at uni, summer break almost over and we start again on Sep 7, so I will be pre-occupied with that; D17 going to the same uni; also need to be where my daughters live to help with the other grandkids so that they can concentrate on their babies (my eldest D30 is due Feb 5 and she is in Germany, so I'll take an online poetry course while there). I am so excited about my life despite H's depression. I guess it helps that I am emotionally disconnected from him. It was becoming toxic, until I finally realized I don't love him anymore and that I don't need to allow his misery to affect my life. Still, there is that vow, so I will have to help him as I would any family member.

Sorry this is so long. If you got this far, thanks for reading.

[WCW]

I did read to the end, not sure what to say.

You do seem determined with a purpose now, no more limbo. That's a place where a lot of people want to be - out of limbo.

[BeingMe]

Yet this depression of his drags me back in. He is, after all, the father of my children, and I am finding it difficult to walk away while he is in this condition.

Thanks for replying, WCW. I guess there isn't much one can advise. I'm just going to have to figure this out on my own. It is good to set down my thoughts, however, on a now and then basis.

[BeingMe]

So, H is still away. We talk on the phone everyday. We are going away for a weekend with friends the weekend after next. I still don't feel anything in a romantic/intimate sense for him. When I think of going to have a romantic weekend, and possibly a candlelit dinner, walking along the beach, etc. ... you know, all the romantic stuff that some couples do .... I just feel it would be more fun on my own. I don't feel excited about him coming home ... just feel ... nothing ... like, ugh, I have to share my bed again ... what a downer. I feel bad about that ... guilty, because he does work hard to support our family. But there is more to a M, then working for the family. I used to work too, and I didn't mind at all ... in boring jobs, whereas he had the interesting career ... now he's fed-up with it. I guess he has the right to be tired of his job.

Whatever ... don't know what else to say, or report. I have no real complaints because I have pretty much made up my mind. I just want to know what to do about his depression, if anything???

[punkin]

First, I don't believe there is anything YOU can do for his depression, except for support him through it. He tells you he won't do this and he won't do that. Ask him what he WILL do. In order for you to remain by his side at this time, he has to show you some positives.

You seem to be doing great, although you seem somewhat resentful of being held back by H at this time. This, too, may pass. I suggest you get a good MC and tell him that is part of the bargain, non negotiable. I know if and when my H ever finds his way home, that is going to be an indisputable boundary for me.

[BeingMe]

You are right, Punkin, I can't do anything for his depression. I will ask him what he will do for himself. I was quite worried as I said above, but I know now that there isn't much I can do except be there as much as I can. He is family, after all, and we have few here in North America. I am a little resentful of being held back now. I have just gotten through a huge health thing, and I feel I have my life back, and now he is finding life miserable, while I am so happy to be alive. If I am lucky, I may get another 5 years, since this sort of disease can come back, and I have 30% chance of making it to 10 years. As it is, I still have to worry about yearly MRI's, which is great because the doc had me on doing them every 6 months, daily medication that leaves me tired, and so on. But, life is good, and I am so joyous about being here still. I just want to sing and dance, except I'm a lousy singer, but I do when no-one is around. Every now and then, I do a little gig ... my kids think I am a little nuts. I laugh a lot, I tease and kid a lot. But, it doesn't help him. For the first time that I can remember, I am free, I am my true self because I don't have to worry that I might lose someone because of my actions or hurt someone's feelings. My thoughts aren't constantly about him anymore. I get my vent out here, then happily go about my business. Ha!

I don't want to be married to H anymore .... I don't love him in that way anymore. He has had 5 years of my staying and hoping that things will change, but he has not. Two of those years, I was really really sick, so I had no choice but to stay. He was there sometimes ... my kids were the ones mostly there for me, especially emotionally speaking. They are the ones who saw most of the seizures, my son went to a lot of my appointments, drove me everywhere because I wasn't allowed to drive. H was shut off from me, as usual (I know, I know, he had to work, and his work takes him away from home frequently --- I don't have a problem with that ---- it's just that I wish that the stupid cancer could've found a way for him to be able to say the things I want from my H, do the romantic things I wanted him to do, yadda yadda yadda). There were times I thought he was resentful of my being ill. But, as he kept saying, and he's right, I am strong. I needed to be.

We tried the MC ... we went once. All he said was, "I'm sorry about what I did." And that was that. He folded his arms, and said nothing more. He expected me to move on, as if nothing had happened. To accept his apology, and trust him again. I guess I was supposed to be grateful for having my H back (although he never left physically), but I don't think I got him back, not the one I married. I struggled to improve myself, make myself more interesting, being happy, moving to another city for a 'new beginning' (I was happy in our old city), doing all the things that DB'ing told me to do, and I get this sad sack back which is fine in the beginning, but 5 years on and there is still no change. I have tried various things, suggested stuff, but he never sounded enthusiastic about it. If he wants to go to counselling, he's going to have to find one and set up the appointment. And, he will have to do all the talking ... I am done talking. I am not going to do one more thing to get him back, because I don't want him back except as a friend. I told him at the end of our conversation, that if he wanted my help, he must just ask.

Thanks for posting, Punkin. Vent out ....

[seeking answers]

BeingMe,

I take it your H wasn't always this way? Was he ever the romantic type?

Has he ever gone to the doctor and had his Testosterone levels checked? From what I understand most Dr's. don't check them automatically.

[whatisis]

Being Me, you mentioned that H has been like this since the EA ended, do you think the reason he went into the EA in the first place was due to his depression, looking for answers? Some guys drink to hide depression, some womanize etc. Both you and H have enormous stresses to face these days (which I read about earlier) and I can certainly understand why he's depressed. I know you're frustrated about the medication he won't take, some guys find it hard to take meds, it's a pride thing. No advice, just thinking out loud and letting you know I'm around!
Keep us posted!