Short summary of my sitch - years of ssm following M that started with H's verbal/emotional abuse. I put boundaries in place and that pretty much stopped. Big blow up this summer resulted in H hiring a lawyer who sent me a letter out of the blue stating H wants a D. I read DR and dropped the rope while doing 180s, which eventually turned things around.
Let me mention that throughout our M I've tried to improve the ssm problem. I've always had to be the intiator. My hormones were screwed up after my first child was born. I've always been assigned all the blame.
Now, at an older age I find myself pg and while struggling with what to do we haven't had sx in 5 days and H blew up again. He does have narcisstic and borderline tendencies. When he gets in these moods he is very selfish and spouts mean stuff.
Before this pg happened (which I obviously didn't create on my own) we were having sx a few times a week. I'd be happy with 1-2 times a week. Hormones have gotten better following diet and exercise - supplementation never did squat.
So my question is, is he so HD wired that even going a few days without even in the face of a crisis that it spins him into this horrible person? I need to know if that happens to other HD's or if he has some wires crossed. His reaction is making me question whether I want to continue this M. At a time when I really need support, I'm getting blame, a cold shoulder and nastiness. I'm tired.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, unexpected blessing though it is.
It sounds to me that your H is immature, abusive, and takes out his bad moods on you. This is not to say that he couldn't change, just that the way he is behaving at the moment is unacceptable.
HD people can feel tense and irritable when going without sex, it seems. However, that's absolutely no excuse for lighting into you, or your children, or anyone else. He needs to own his own feelings, sexuality, etc. Also, in the give and take of marriage, he needs to understand that you ALSO have needs which he must meet (for support, unconditional love, acceptance, etc) in order for you to feel able to ML.
If you have time to read, I'd suggest David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. Also, you mention that putting boundaries in place before turned H's behaviour around. Would it be possible to use boundaries again?
+1 on the advise so far, there is never an excuse for verbal emotional or physical abuse.
While not the issue you bring up, I hope that your husband can grow over time, which is what the passionate marriage concept is all about.
I don't know if your H has crossed wires or not. I do know as the HD person in what was for a while an SSM, that I could become moody and angry if I didn't feel any form of love from anywhere for say two to three days. I wasn't abusive, but would sulk. Now that I feel loved, I am not as desperate in my emotional needs and can be very loving to my wife no matter what happens or doesn't happen.
I want to congratulate you on your attitude and devotion to your marriage and your husband.
I can live with sex once to twice a week, but barely. I really need to have sex with my wife two to three times a week to be truly happy. When her work or things get in the way of that, I have to mentally reach deep within myself to push through the time with joy and calmness.
Now let me give you the long answer. I want to suggest another book for your reading list, the Five Languages of Love. My primary love languages are touch and verbal affirmation (praise). My wife's primary languages of love are acts of devotion and spending quality time together.
For a long time my wife gave me neither and I didn't feel loved. For me the only time I felt love was when we had sex with my wife. For verbal affirmation I turned to work and became a workaholic. As such, I withdrew from my wife and she withdrew from me and that just made me seek feelings of love that I needed through praise at work. It also made me more desperate for sex and the physical touch that I got during sex.
When I withdrew and denied my wife for quality time together and her ability to recieve and give acts of devotion. If she wanted to show me her love by cooking me a special dinner and I worked late and forgot to call her, it was the emotional equivalent to her of my feeling sexually rejected by my wife.
My wife and I broke the cycle and she now works at providing me with what I need to feel loved, but it is hard for her. I also work hard and provide her with what she needs to feel love. Every day I try to do multiple acts of devotion to her and get some quality time with her so she feels truly loved(bring her coffee in the morning, fill her car with gas each week, make the bed each morning, bring her the mail at the end of the day, talk about and emotionally support her with regards to her day and what is happening to her at her work).
She finds it easier to have sex with me at home than to run her fingers through my hair in public or to rub my shoulder in public or even while we are alone and watching TV. I don't understand that, but it has to do with her inhibitions. I guess sex with one's husband in bed at home is ok, and public displays of mild affection are not, even if they are not done in public.
She also finds it is hard to "butter me up" but she is now praising me for doing things around the house, like when I recently pressure washed the deck and cleaned all the outside furniture. As a result I feel loved and am not as desperate for sex anymore, because it is not my only source of feeling loved.
If you can figure out what your husband's primary and secondary languages of love are, then you can do a lot to make him feel loved in addition to having sex with him.
Unfortunately in too many relationships the only time a man feels "loved" or "connected" to his wife is when he has sex with her. Other times, things get in the way of the emotional and verbal connection that the HD spouse needs. I know men who would really like to be hugged and cuddled by their wifes, but the only way they know how to ask for that is by initiating sex and hoping that will lead to what they really want.
I admire your devotion to your family and want to congratulate you. Good luck and each of my children have been true blessings.
If your H can't learn to control his anger or you find he has crossed wires as you state, then by all means consider leaving him. Your situation sould like a perfect concept for a general marriage counselor as I don't think it is really a problem of sexual frequency. Again, good luck to you and your family.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I can live with sex once to twice a week, but barely. I really need to have sex with my wife two to three times a week to be truly happy. When her work or things get in the way of that, I have to mentally reach deep within myself to push through the time with joy and calmness.
My H is not capable of doing this. THank you both for your responses. THings blew up a little further today and his borderline traits have peeked out. Maybe it will blow over - maybe he'll go and file. I'm exhausted and have to decide what to do with a surprise pg at an old age. No, I don't feel old, but when you think about where you will be when the child is 10, 15, 20...it's old.
I appreciate the insight into the HD mind. I've read both of the books mentioned. I've tried a lot over the years. MC's too.
I'm a little angry but mostly hurt that he's doing this now, at this moment of crisis when I need support. It is very typical of his selfish thinking.
I've stayed because most of the time he's not like this. And I think he misses out the most by not dealing with his own issues. I've asked him to go to anger mgmt, and he said he would but it never happened.
I know I will not be rushing out to file for D. I can't control what he does, but I know in my heart I've given it my all - and then some.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
It really does take two to save a marriage and that means at some point your H needs to step up and work on himself and your marriage.
No matter what happens, you will always know that you tried repeatedly over many years.
Old can also be a state of mind. I know that a little over a year ago, I felt old. Today I don't feel nearly as old as my wife and I are in love again and I am in pretty good shape.
One of the standard pieces of advice (that I am sure you have heard often) is to GAL and include exercise in it. Pregnancy with exercise will make things a lot better, give you a good excuse and may even give you more energy and make you feel younger.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I just learned the pg is not good. We'll see whether the M is or not. Very tough day for me.
I really don't know what to do when he's never satisfied with the quantity and when he gets in a snit harps on the quality. Not a good formula for success.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
LRT, I'm very sorry to hear that there are problems with the pregnancy. You obviously have a lot on your mind right now. It's sad your husband can't support you through this; I hope you have others who can.
When husbands react to sexual rejection with anger and lashing out, as yours seems to, I always supsect that the anger is a cover for -- or expression of -- painful feelings of rejection. The problem may not be so much that your husband is very HD but that he takes your rejection very personally. He sees it not as a problem of you lacking desire but as your lacking desire for him. Paradoxically, however, husbands who need their wives to sexually desire them in order to feel self-worth do not want to believe that their wives may simply have low libido, because that means they will never get the affirmation they desperately need; so they choose to believe that you are merely being selfish and withholding, and they punish you for it. Could that be the case with your husband?
HDhusband - yes, I think that could be my H. He has very low self esteem. His borderline traits cause him to see things very black or white - he either loves me or hates me or believes I love or hate him. He has a difficult time with confrontation and conflict. The aspect of borderline he has is fear of abandonment - so when he is feeling especially close, which I believe he was, he pushes away.
His narcissistic traits also create a struggle as the strongest of these is his sense of entitlement. So when he doesn't get what he thinks he deserves regardless of what else is happening in our lives, I pay the price.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
No offense, but this I don't think you are going to get far with this arm-chair psychologist stuff.
Borderline and Narcissist? Look, if he really had a full-blown personality disorder like BPD or NPD you wouldn't be adding the qualifier 'traits' to begin with.
What this amounts to is basically "Mind reading", and you cannot do it. I don't care if you employ an arsenal of behavioral science jargon, use psuedo-science to try and divine his thoughts, or resort to outright superstition... the results are the same: you aren't doing anything but trying to read his mind.
This means... communication (for whatever reason) is not that good between you two.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
