To Tell or Not to Tell

[LRT Land]

I am reading all your posts and weighing everything. H is so mean and selfish. Mr. Hyde has appeared as I dreaded. 5 days without sx and he's a monster again. He's blaming me for all of this. He mentioned that he had to hire a lawyer before I found my sx drive and now I'm trying to for him to be almost 80 with a kid in college.

In many ways, divorce would have been easier. I wouldn't be pg. I'm still really hoping the tests tell me a miscarriage is looming, because I don't think I can have this baby. If we hadn't moved 1 1/2 from my job - if I were younger - if I had any support system apart from an online one - then it would be okay. Instead, I have a very sick mother and no one else.

I think I'll probably be crying for the rest of the year. And no, I don't need to make a decision today, but soon. In the next couple of weeks. I know if it goes too long I won't be able to do anything as I'll be too emotionally involved. Maybe I already am. It's good that I feel so bad physcially - my head hurts, my stomach, my back. If I think about how hard a pg will be on my maybe that will make it all easier. I am so stupid for letting this happen. I'd asked him to get a v but he was afraid of it. I can't take bcp because my hormones were so messed up. Just makes this even more of a miracle.

At least I didn't take his bait. I started to argue then just shut my mouth. He can't handle any form of stress so I was expecting it. I just wasn't expecting him to spew such nonsense.

RGB - I'm honored to be your first post.

[pinhead]

((((LRT)))))

[dolphin_05]

Hugs and wishes for peace and clarity LRT.

Cas

[A_goodman]

LRT,

You were worried about H's reaction because you did expect it. You hoped for a different reaction, but you were prepared. Ok, maybe not for whatever BS he spewed, but you knew the spew was coming. See? You are getting out ahead of the curve on him. I know, because you were able to control your emotions and not take the bait. If you had not been prepared, it would have been an ambush, and you would have fared worse. Seemingly small gains add up. You are stronger and more confident than you were at the outset. YOU WILL KEEP GETTING STRONGER! If you have to write it on post it notes to keep reminding yourself do it.

I know I'm ill suited to understand what you're going through. I know that the hormones coursing through you right now are severly complicating things, both mentally and physically. I don't know what to give you as advice. But I do know some things that might help.

You are a very intelligent, insightful person. Other women have the same hormonal and relationship challenges during pregnancy, but are hostage to them because they are not as smart as you. I think you will not become hostage to your own emotions. That will help you.

Your support system is lacking in the ability to physically hug you, and it takes more effort to communicate with it, but in my experience, it is just as powerful as having friends to confide in. Maybe more becuse we're annonymous, so there is no mental hang-ups about coming here and airing it out in all it's glorious detail. Of course, I'm a guy, so the mushy stuff (hugging, crying, sharing a gallon of Ben and Jerry's) isn't as important. Sexist? See annonymous above

I'm sorry your Mom's in bad health. I'll add her to my prayer list. (Yes I had to write it down. There's just too many of us poor bastards than need praying for.)

Sorry if the end got sarcastic. Humor too is something you could use right now.

The last thing I would add is that it's time to think about YOU and let the chips fall. Whatever decisions you make and whatever happens may cause a lifetime of self recrimination. don't do anything for any reason other than it's what YOU need and feel is right.

Much Love.

[LRT Land]

Goodman - you turned me into a puddle again, but in a good way. I am happy I didn't take the bait. Maybe the pg hormones helped out there as I'm definitely calmer than usual. We have some parenting things that need to be done for school this week. I suppose I should call him and just act normal. When we parted this morning there was no physical contact, whereas we have been hugging/kissing.

I'm not feeling so intelligent right now. I think I should have D'd H when DD was 3 wks old. I've struggled for years to keep the family together - set boundaries - accepted. I did it because my tolerance for the bs was higher due to my own upbringing. Also something to think about before bringing another child into the mayhem.

I went for a long walk before work this morning. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about birth defects, divorce, finances, how I will function at age 47 on no sleep, will I be physically able t 50 to keep up with a 3 yr old, etc. I thought about all the joy a child can bring, and how excited DD would be. There is a real risk another child could end the M. THe first one almost did. Since that impacts DD too, I need to take that into consideration.

The other thing I thought about as I walked is how no matter what I do, our sx life never seems good enough. H can't seem to realize he shoots himself in the foot by reacting as he does and spewing garbage. So I'm trying to think about this pg in two stages, one would I be able to embrace this child if M to H and two would I be able to do so if I were single? I also think about the impact on DD, as I have an older mother and it is painful to witness her decline. Then, if the child does have a defect, will DD feel the responsibility of care if H and I aren't living? My reproductive age may still be 30 or 35, but my chronological age, and H's, are hard and fast numbers.

I've always been pro choice, though after DD was born it was tougher to stand by that position. It is not a decision that I think anyone should ever take lightly, but I do think the choice should be left to the parents and not the government. Everyone should be able to weigh their own set of factors.

Despite having to work beyond retirement and despite the lack of sleep/energy/life, if my M were strong and H were on board I have no doubt I would move forward. But that's not my reality. My reality isn't anywhere close to that.

I'm anxiously awaiting the doctor's call today.

[A_goodman]

LRT,

Trust God. He's the only one who knows what you're made of. He won't put more on your plate than you can chew.

The hardest damn thing is he always puts more on it than you THINK you can chew.

AND He's tougher than Gucchi and R2C put together. We're all being db'd by the creator. Don't want to have faith in the R? Think I'm controlling? Need space? ILYBNILWY? Want to have am OD (other diety). No sweat. Do your own thing. I got some rain to make somewhere. And oh, you can pack your OWN boxes. Move out. Find your OWN place. Consequences? Reap what you sow. Tough love? He invented it.

But he'll always listen. EVEN when we spew. NEVER gets baited. Good thing too, or my name would be "Sparky".

OK, sorry if I was prosthelitizing (SP?) I am not a good or
very religious man (and a sucky speller too). But my ordeal has brought me closer.

All I'm saying is that when you felt like you had no control over life becausee H was dismantling everything, the key was to stop trying to control him, R, M etc. then to eventually accept it and control what you could control. YOU.

So now here is another thing that you have no control over (I know ultimately you do, but ultimately you had it before too. could have pulled the plug on M any time). Maybe the key here is to do the same thing. When you try to understand it and figure out what you should do and how to approach everything, i.e. CONTROL it you make yourself crazier. When you accept it, and roll with it and act as-if, you control your emotions and thinking clearly gets easier.

I'm not talking about THE decision either, just the ride you have to endure while you make it.

I hope that all came off right.

God bless you

[LRT Land]

I am trying to trust God. I'm sure there is a reason why I've had such a difficult M. I did end up with an amazing DD.

I don't think I"ve mentioned that H is also having memory issues. He won't own that either, but maybe that is partly what scares him.

We just had a horrible phone call with him using his nasty tone and not taking part in parental responsibilities. Then I get this email:

have your attorney contact my attorney

other wise mine will start the process

you have 24 hours

[LRT Land]

I replied. I told him I didn't like the lawyer I met a couple weeks ago and had an appt to meet one tomorrow.

His borderline traits are coming through. It may blow over, but is this really acceptable given the circumstances?

[LRT Land]

This should be an interesting evening. And no word from the doctor yet. What a lovely day.

I'm thinking about my DD riding her bike gleefully down the street, and that makes the past years of H's nonsense seem worth it. If I have to make a decision about this pg, my DD's best interests in light of what is transpiring will be at the forefront of that decision.

[A_goodman]

LRT,

No Offense, but your H is a Jackass.

I'm pulling for you.