I"m so glad I posted here! Journalling and hearing your responses is helping me to see the pattern.
So after I felt I let my guard down a "little" last night, there was a cost today. I can't prove it's related, but it seemed like it wouldn't be a coincidence.
Planning a party tonight for S5 who is starting kindergarten this week. I ended up taking FIL all day so I figured H could help out. Also, since he's been on his good behavior he's offered numerous time to swing by the store, etc.
So we're talking on the phone this afternoon planning dinner. He offered to pick up the cake I ordered. I call back a few minutes later and ask if he'll call to have a pizza delivered. He asks for a specific order and I give it.
Then the classic thing happens - he gets irritated sounding and cuts me off saying "whatever, I'll figure it out. I gotta go." and rushes off the phone. Curt tone, and it hurts.
It's small, but it cuts deep when it happens over and over through the years. It's also a small example of a similar way he talks to me in a bigger way when there are blow outs. Also, in the past, even this might lead to a fight if I bring up how he hurt me with his tone, asked to spoken to nicer, or asked what was wrong.
I've gotten the best treatment lately by ignoring him and disappearing. I couldn't do that tonight, it was the party.
However I noticed him arguing with his dad over the time it would take him to get to the airport in the morning. No matter how much his dad insisted he wanted to get there early, H kept saying "I'm telling you...it's_______(this way)." He was relentless and wouldn't stop arguing and insisting he was right.
Thank you Universe, for reminding me why not being with my H is a GOOD IDEA.
Hey Hope, I am glad the "universe" put it out there for ya!lol.
It is SO WEIRD all that selective memory stuff we do. I am lucky too, that the minute I have some sort of conversation with my H, he spews a TON of nonsense and is so completely ugly to me that I just smile inside and think--good ridance!!
You know what I love about talking to him though? Not letting him get to me. If you can do it, it helps you feel stronger inside. I feel very, very proud of myself that I listen to his garbage and it has NO EFFECT ANYMORE!lol. I'm like, "good grief he is out of touch with reality".
But if you're not there yet, do go back to being dark. It's best for You I think in your sitch. Doesn't hurt to poke your head out now and then to see how you are doing, but if he can get to you still, at least you know what to do for YOU!
You've all helped me answer my question as to why H has suddenly turned "nice"...and here was another timely answer in my inbox today. Perhaps he sensed my strength and even without me saying a word somehow sensed I was talking to a strong lawyer?...seems to fit, what do you think?
"Why? Because he’s having a “Mr Nice Guy moment”. Don’t get me wrong. He hasn’t turned into a truly nice guy. He’s just cunning enough to know that, in certain circumstances, Mr Nice Guy works better than Mr Nasty. You see, he doesn’t want the marriage to end. Maybe he still wants Nathalie around. It would be far fetched to say he [has suddenly realized that he] loves her. More likely, he doesn’t want to look bad to other people. But… there’s another much more important reason: he’s thinking about how much this marriage breakdown is going to cost him financially. That’s one good reason why abusive men sometimes turn nice, and sometimes nasty, when their partner involves a lawyer. They want to minimize the financial cost to them. Sorry to sound so cynical, but… It’s true. The best outcome for them is if they can get you to trust them to provide for you. Think about it for a moment - Why on earth would you “trust” someone who has a track record of treating you badly? So, what should Nathalie do? I’d certainly advise her to: Ignore his appeals to her better nature – because to all intents and purposes he doesn’t have one Avoid “negotiating” directly with him Communicate, as much as possible, only through lawyers Keep pushing for what is rightfully hers "
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
THat was in an email I got from a coach dealing with women in emotionally abusive relationships. SHe was speaking about a client she had, using it as an example.
Yesterday's resolve threatened by son's first day at kindergarten this morning, spent "as a family" with H, S and I. Yearning for my marriage returned. Hope I recover soon...
Deep breaths hun, you can get yourself back to a place of peace you have done it several times before now, just need to keep self soothing till it becomes normal..
Hope S enjoyed his first day at kindy (())
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Yes, Rabbit, S loves kindergarten. Thanks for asking. He's so proud to be a big boy.
Venting - tonight is H's night with S and I've been very clear over the months that anytime S goes to H's apt., the next day S is very emotional, throwing tantrums, etc. One night, I told H it was ok to try bringing S to his apt. on a different evening (he takes him there once a week) and it was a disaster. S was up very late crying and having tantrums. I told H this was a mistake.
Tonight I had a job, and when I came home, H and S weren't here. I had asked him to bring him to our home, per usual. Especially with the new kindergarten schedule, I want things as regular as possible.
He brings him home twenty minutes before S's bed time and I had been freaked out - thinking they are at the hospital or H kidnapped him or something. H says they were at his apt. I told him this was not ok with me. We need to talk about it ahead of time. I am writing this down to use in the D case for custody. This may not seem like a big deal, but to my son it is. And to me it is. I told him so. I can't believe how blatantly he just thinks everything is fine. How he thinks he can do whatever he wants with S without talking to me. We had an agreement to discuss together the visitation schedule and not pay lawyers/mediators to hash it out. Now I'm thinking differently.
H on the other hand thinks I'm upset over nothing, or over a little thing. What do you all think?
