To Tell or Not to Tell

[Chuck66]

(((((((LRT)))))))))

It's my first online hug I ever gave. I hope I did it right.

[LRT Land]

I know this may sound a little odd but I really love all of you! I hardly told anyone that H hired a lawyer and wanted to D me, and without this site I would have felt so lost and alone. Now I have this new wrinkle, or blessing, depending on your perspective.

I did tell H last night. I told him I had something to share but was afraid to tell him. I asked him to please not yell or blame me. I went through my thought process yesterday and the tests and told him I was going for the blood test today. He, as I expected, focused on the very negative things that could happen. That is his modus operandi - he alwyas leans toward the negative so I anticipated that. I didn't get the sense he would embrace having a second child at all as he was very focused on disabilities as well as his age. We won't have results back until early next week, and by then I'll have a better read on his true feelings after he has sat with it a while, which is why I decided to share it with him last night.

I was happy that despite the news he still cuddled with me last night and slept in the bedroom. I am a little worried that there may be a backlash in the next couple of days, but I can't control that - just stand by my boundaries as I've always tried to do with him.

When I first realized I might be pg I too was concerned about the disability issue but even moreso the impact it would have on my M. Today I swear I have been seeing little kids and babies everywhere. I am reluctant to embrace the pg without H's support and with the looming miscarriage rate for my age hanging out there. I did a search on line and most sites indicate it is "virtually impossible" for a woman over 45 to become pg with her own eggs. I've always been a nonconformist!

I plan on talking to my doctor about next steps and all the concerns that I have. Just as when I learned about the potential D, I need to collect facts and information. Knowledge is power - or it is at least somewhat comforting.

As for 46 being the new 36, I remember when I was pg at 40 my reproductive age came out as 30, so maybe Puppy is right - yet I have to say it has taken this long for me to get back my energy and hormone balance, which is still whacked but obviously improved enough to get me pg.

H raised the issue that he feels I have all the control in this situation as even if he disagrees with what should be done I can do whatever I want. This is his low self-esteem talking. I have no idea where he is going to land. I think I am reaching a point where I can accept whatever happens, sort of like where I was with my M. So less stressed today but still feeling a bit like I landed in Oz.

[A_goodman]

Just remember Babe,

Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't already have.

Love you back.

[LRT Land]

I just heard from my doctor and she stressed how unlikely it is this is a viable pregnancy. She said they'll now more after the blood tests and will probably do more tests next week to continue checking hormone levels if, by some miracle, today's blood indicates there is a chance of viability. Now I feel like a complete misfit.

Goodman - I love your posts. If your W doesn't want you, many women will! And I would say that to a lot of the men who post here.

It seems that it often takes that rock-bottom feeling for us to dig deep and focus on our marriage - or water the plant every day as we discussed in another thread.

I'm learning a lot of important lessons this year.

[LRT Land]

Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't already have.

I think this should go in the quote thread. What a great reminder to reach within!

[A_goodman]

LRT,

Been thinking about you. How are things? Yesterday, I also had a rather discombobulating external event that has thrown me for a loop. I'll post it on my thread when I get 30 minutes or so of quiet.

I re-read your post about telling H about it because something was stuck in the back of my mind. About him feeling like he's got no control; this is a perfect openning for validation, and a chance to help him see it a different way. He DOES have a ton of control. It's totally understandable why he feels that way. I'm certain you see that and probably validated it already. You probably even comiserated your feeling about it being out of your control as well.

He, (and you) actually have immense control. He can control how he chooses
to approach the situation. He is in total control over his decisions. He can step up and do the right thing. That would mean temporarily putting aside some hang ups and being strong for you and his potential new child. He can choose to be a good dad and if not a good and committed husband, at least a good friend to the woman he's spent years beside. He's got tons of control. And he's scared like you. It will be much easier and less scary if he choose to face it together as a team.

God watch over you.

[LRT Land]

Goodman - your timing is really good. H is at a conference today but I talked to him briefly this morning. I told him what the doctor said about not knowing if the pg is good until at least early next week. He told me after I made my decision he would tell me his, which left me frustrated as he is often this way. Yet then I make a decision and he'll tell me what he thinks I want to hear. He is not at all direct about expressing his wants/needs. I am going to try and validate when he gets home. I really do want to know how he feels. Maybe, like me, he is trying to stay somewhat neutral since we don't really know what's up yet.

Physically I feel down right awful. Bloated, bigger, hard to breathe, bladder issues. Yes, all ths already. The bloat happened with my first, but everything seems worse this time. I'm also more tired than usual. SInce I was feeling really good physically, it's rather daunting to think of 9 more months of this. If the baby could just "arrive" without the pg I would feel much more enthusiastic.

I'm also worried how it will impact my hormones. My desire has already taken a hit, and I'm sure this is a concern of H's due to our fall into a ssm following the last pg. Also, being this much older and dealing with night feedings and wake ups. On the other hand, it is an absolute blessing and miracle. H is a wonderful father. I even told the lawyer that when I talked to him.

Thank you so much for checking in. I will keep posting as I move along this journey, however short or long it is.

I hope that your "discombobulatig external event" is positive as opposed to negative. I will watch for your post.

[A_goodman]

No such luck LRT. It's potentially Mount Saint Helens. And I'm just a squirrel at the tree line.

Peace

[LRT Land]

My news seems so trivial compared to Goodman's, yet in a way I too feel my R hangs in the balance. H has already pulled away a bit. I am anxiously awaiting the blood work while my body continues to prepare for this journey. It is definitely hitting me harder this time - don't know if that's because of my age or because gender is different or because it's not viable. I'm trying not to get to attached to an outcome yet. The doctor seems to think I'll know soon.

I do worry about the impact on my M if the pg goes forward. I'm not sure H can handle another being to share my affection.

We've not been intimate since I shared the news. I've had zero interest and physically feel bad, and he, I suspect and yes a total mind read, is withdrawing because he feels the pg will bring back our ssm.

Why did the universe through this in my path? Why now? I'm trying to understand and accept, but I am really struggling.

[A_goodman]

LRT,

It's not trivial at all. It's a totally unexpected and uncertain fate for both of us. I feel very in tune with you as to the myriad emotions, thoughts and questions that are crashing over you.

I hope today is better than yesterday. I pray your H pulls his head out and sees what a lucky guy he is. And I pray that God gives you peace.

Whatever happens, you can do this. I have faith in you.