Long story, but let's just say that last 9 months have been very stressful for both of us even before she dropped the bomb.
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It's common for women to make one last try to make it work before they really walk. Be wise.
Wisdom is what I need the most. That's why I'm here. I know that if she really wants to make it work, I will have a lot of work to do for times ahead. No way will I dive back into the same old R pretending that it was OK before so it'll be OK again the same way.
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It was the Military Channel not the History Channel. I am a 20 year Air Force man so I totally understand. :>)
I was not going to change it to Lifetime - no way. Although we both watched the Wife Swap the other day and actually laughed out loud. One couple there was just like us. I felt closeness that night also.
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If you choose the frigging History Channel over shagging her, then you've failed.
I know, Hitler always turns her off, but I was just too shocked over her and turned back to TV simply because I did not dare to do what my hormones told me to do. It was too good to be true, so I became paralyzed.
Came home and she made dinner again. Played a lot with the dogs.
While relaxing on the couch she started rubbing her neck and I asked if it was bothering her. She said yes, it's stiff. I asked if rubbing it makes her feel better. She said "maybe, I don't know". I said "why dont' you lay on my lap and let's see if we can make it better". She smiled and laid down immediately.
My fingers are still sore as I'm typing this. I think I massaged her neck and shoulders for about 3 hours with little breaks in between. She kept wanting more and more until she fell to sleep and I was exhausted.
Later I fould that she never letf the house yesterday and was surfing porn for hours. Boy do I feel like a loser from the night before. Oh well, at least I know that her drive is still there.
I said "why dont' you lay on my lap and let's see if we can make it better". She smiled and laid down immediately.
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She kept wanting more and more
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Later I fould that she never letf the house yesterday and was surfing porn for hours
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Oh well, at least I know that her drive is still there.
I wonder what she is thinking about you?
Cue up Fred Sanford.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I got home last night first. W texted and wanted to meet for dinner. I was a little annoyed that she did not let me know she was going to be late and I was late too - dogs were barely holding themselves.
After awhile I decided to go. She was late meeting me and seemingly tipsy. I decided to start setting my boundaries and not get into any stupid argument.
First thing that happened was that the bartender failed to remove and replace her dirty salad knife. That's something that annoys both of us but in a light of the last outburst she had last week which started with me complaining in her behalf for lousy food, I decided to take a different approach.
She was complaining to me about the dirty knife. I said “Would you like me to bring this to bartender’s attention? Because last time I spoke in your behalf you got really mad at me. Perhaps you can do it yourself instead of talking to me about it.” She said “I got mad at you? Really?”. I was puzzled. Did she have a blackout that night? It’s possible. But I did not answer that.
Instead I called the bartender and said “Could you please bring the lovely lady here a new knife. W said “See, that was a nice way of handling it.” And smiled.
When our entrees arrived I decided to set some boundaries. I politely touched the subject of personal responsibility and that I would appreciate if she would be more consistent of letting me know when she will be late, that I was having a drink with friends earlier and had to cut it short because I did not trust her being home and that I need to gain back that trust.
She was a little annoyed but did not say anything. I pushed a little more. I said “You spend more time in your favorite bar with your friends that you spend with our pets and at your work combined. What is it that keeps you in that bar from early afternoon until midnight at times?” That triggered her. She snapped back at me “Do you really want to go there? It’s none of your business.” I calmly responded “You’re right. You either tell me or not. Nothing more to it.”
She started pouting like a spoiled brat and playing with her food. I let that go for 15 minutes and then said “I can see you are miserable now. You asked me to join you for dinner and expected to enjoy it, but I also had to express my disappointment that you did not keep you promise to communicate with me about the responsibilities we have in our family. I said what I had to and do not expect to have the same conversation again. Now you are pouting and I am not having a good time. I do not want to have a dinner with a person who is miserable and acting like a child. You are more than welcome to leave right now and I will take care of the bill when I’m done”
I turned to the bartender and started chatting with him. There were 2 gorgeous blonds sitting at the other end and looked like a mother and daughter. I said to the bartender “That’s a hell of a mother/daughter combo there.” We laughed and kept chatting.
W was still miserable and playing with her spaghetti but was not leaving. Then she suddenly turned to me and said “You’re right I am miserable.” I replied “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” She said neither yes or no but continued “I am worried about my health and the fact that I may have MS. I am scared.” I said “I am not scared and I know you will be okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
The next hour we talked about her fears and she started relaxing. I told her that we will find the best doctor’s in the country and make sure the diagnosis will be solid before drawing any conclusions and she should not stress herself without knowing any hard facts.
Rest of the evening at home went well. She was relaxed and in a good mood.
This morning she invited her mom over to go shopping together. I have not seen her mom for months. She stopped inviting her over shortly after dropping the bomb. Her mom came and brought her dog to hang out with ours while they’re shopping. We had a brief chat and I told them to have a good time.
So here I am hanging out with 5 dogs and a cat having fun by myself without letting anything bother me. No expectations = no disappointment. Just trying to set some reasonable boundaries carefully and little at the time. I don’t want to trigger her anger. She could never take any criticism even back when things were good. Her easiest response to that right now has always been “If you don’t like what I do then leave.” This was not the response I got yesterday and I think that my new way of communicating is working.
Long ways to go but my patience seems to pay off in small amounts. I am finally managing to get some points across while also showing that I am open to talk and listen and be warm but resolute and firm. All of that without causing a tsunami.
I am beginning to change back to the way I used to be. Whatever the outcome I will keep going because it makes ME feel good about MYSELF.
So the ladies came back from shopping. I expected her mom to stay awhile but after a few words of small talk she left.
Shortly after W left too saying that she was going back to her mom's for dinner.
I used to get upset over something like that but even while hoping that it wasn't the case today I expected it to be exactly that. I am fine with it. She can and should spend time with her mom. It's all good for her. I just miss her mom. We were such close friends for all of the 13 years.
She wants space and she can have it. Three steps forward, two steps back.
Just have to figure out what to do with my late afternoon and evening now.
Here I go doing mind reading and analyzing again and I should not.
Although I was really expecting nothing I thought that perhaps her mom will stay for dinner.
W started vacuuming on the morning and I jumped in offered to take over that task since I am usually the one who does that. She cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms.
We are always cleaning right before someone is expected to come to visit. That's why I thought that her mom would stay.
She spent 5 minutes when she arrived and 2 minutes after they came back. W would never clean if someone just pops in and out like that.
I don't know if her mom talked her out of the dinner idea at our house because she is supporting the idea of ending our R or does she really feel awkward and simply did not want to stay.
I know I should not waste my time thinking about this.
Her mother did not mention dinner? She did not invite you? Your W waited until her mother left and then told you she was going to her mom's? This was after them spending the day shopping?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
