After I posted yesterday, I had a chance to process a little better.
It took a while for me to get to the point where I'm out of H's grasp. I paid a price for my willingness to be flexible, which I was to a fault, before being taken to court & having it used against me.
I don't feel angry. I see the almost everyday e-mail requests as a way for him to continue the connection with me. That's why I would like to go with the court orders, so there isn't a need for constant contact. It may appear that it's just a matter of a day...it's not, it's a matter of him trying to keep control when it's slipping away.
I'm really happy with having a 3rd party for our exchange...wish I had done it earlier. It's a relief from the drama of H & his world.
I feel like I can handle whatever comes my way. I'm not afraid of what's to come. I was...I think he knew that, so it kept it going on...and on...and on.
Well, it's happened, H couldn't take 3 weeks of nc from me & has apparently taken leave of his senses.
I had other pressing matters that kept me occupied, such as;
-teenage son w/substance abuse & other issues.
-helping my mother with a property nightmare that took 2 yrs for our incredible L (and I mean that) to resolve.
Just sat down at the computer to compile information on the list my L asked me to complete & receive a 51 page motion from H, as an attachment to an e-mail, saying he's prepared to file if I don't comply.
Although his "super L" was listed, it was all written by him. There's a reason they just want you to answer the questions during a deposition.
Amazingly, he takes the FC mediator & judge to task, for "buying into what I was selling."
-Wants the courts to order that child transfer takes place @ my house, not 3rd party.
-Daily phone calls, between 5pm & 7pm, with no exception.
-Court ordered private mediation to settle our differences, because the FC one "empowered her."
Anyway, it went on & on..."I knew she'd find out I was living with my GF (A single, 42 yr old woman, who has never had kids of her own) eventually, and she did."
When I recovered from reading all of it, and stopped laughing, I did call him to let him know that I agreed with him, I don't know why it took me so long, but it could never work between us. Please go ahead & file the motion. I have to get going, bye.
That was 4 days ago. I'm now getting phone calls & e-mail everyday, with some excuse for him needing to talk to me.
I've completely lost any attraction I ever had, & am looking forward to moving on to my great life.
I was thinking about you. Some of them WASs do all in the powers to look unattractive. It's amazing. I am glad you are sorting things out... inside. Love K
In the motion, he says because he's now in a stable, live-in R, he thinks it would be in S7's best interest to be with him 50% to enjoy a real family life. Then talks about when we were married (ah, we still are), and ends it all with "regarding the D proceedings, we're still not ready to move with any of that, yet."
I used to think my husband was so smart...
It's fascinating that someone would voluntarily sink their own case.
A lot has happened in the last month. I got a call on a Friday afternoon from H's new attorney, telling me I had to appear for an ex parte hearing @ 8:30am Tuesday morning, leaving me no time to get L in order. We both had used attorneys without actually retaining them.
Spent all the time preparing myself to go against H & his L. Judge said it looked like H wanted a "second bite of the apple," although gave him a 1 time private mediation, instead of unlimited, "until we come to terms" that he requested.
Handing over almost $20,000 (borrowed) to my attorney for my retainer, spending a good chunk of that meeting with "my team" @ $1,000 an hour, finding out that it's still up to me to get everything together for my response to his 51 pg motion. It finally caught up to me. My immune system took a dive. I spent this last week fighting off several infections, one of which I caused myself by running into a stucco wall on my son's bike, the other's, like strep throat, prolly due to stress.
All of this happened when I went into no contact. No seeing, emailing, calling for any reason...all goes thru a 3rd party, if it needs to be addressed at all. Most of what he wants is due to that change. He wants the court to order that he gets to coming here for drop-offs, that I talk to him personally to discuss schedules, and even that we have birthday parties for S7 planned & held together.
I'm not backing down & going back to the way it was.
Here it is, over 3 years later, and I'm still dealing with this crap.
Big mistakes I made;
-Taking H up on his 1st offer @ reconcilation immediately, letting him know I was still in his back pocket, without his ending the A first.
-Not letting him go free soon enough, and moving on with my life.
-Letting the constant contact continue.
I could continue, I know it's pretty common knowledge around here what the cause & effects are, although when I first found this site there didn't seem to be as many wise "voices" as there are now, especially cases with infidelity included. Who knows, maybe I just didn't notice them
Those who now have "the crew," are blessed (if they allow themselves to be.)
Handing over almost $20,000 (borrowed) to my attorney for my retainer, spending a good chunk of that meeting with "my team" @ $1,000 an hour, finding out that it's still up to me to get everything together for my response to his 51 pg motion.
Wow!!! $20 grand, $1000.00 an hour and you do all the work??? That is outrageous, maybe you need a new "team" because this team seems to have an "I" in it and that I is just you.
Originally Posted By: Generosity
All of this happened when I went into no contact. No seeing, emailing, calling for any reason...all goes thru a 3rd party, if it needs to be addressed at all. Most of what he wants is due to that change. He wants the court to order that he gets to coming here for drop-offs, that I talk to him personally to discuss schedules, and even that we have birthday parties for S7 planned & held together.
I'm not backing down & going back to the way it was.
I don't blame you one bit. You have no obligation to talk to him personally and it's just crazy to think a divorce decree would mandate planning and holding a joint birthday party - you are no longer a couple do primarily to his failings and he needs to accept that and move on himself.
Originally Posted By: Generosity
Big mistakes I made;
-Taking H up on his 1st offer @ reconcilation immediately, letting him know I was still in his back pocket, without his ending the A first.
-Not letting him go free soon enough, and moving on with my life.
-Letting the constant contact continue.
Instead of "big mistakes" I would call these "common mistakes" that a lot of us LBS's have made because we initially focused on doing whatever we though we could do to save the marriage regardless of whether they were right for us or not. I hope you are feeling better!
>>@BA- "I don't blame you one bit. You have no obligation to talk to him personally and it's just crazy to think a divorce decree would mandate planning and holding a joint birthday party - you are no longer a couple do primarily to his failings and he needs to accept that and move on himself."
Yes, BA, it appears that my H believes if you throw enough money behind super L's, anything can be done! In some ways that may be true, a dream team can sometimes accomplish the seemingly impossible, as history proves.
I've completed my response to motion---only took me 20 hours, or so , but I'm satisfied it captured the important message I wanted to convey.
My S7 just returned last night from a week with H & I managed to stay NC, excepted with a couple of phone calls directly to S during that time. It hasn't been easy, I get e-mail & phone calls daily, turning up the heat on me to re-establish contact.
I think about when I did cave to the pressure & it makes me sick. That's all I have to do to stick with my decision.
The longer it goes on, the meaner he gets. The call from S7 last week had OW laughing in the background, then interrupting him to ask if he was ready for his freshly baked cookies & get back to playing Go-Fish with everyone.
So, today is the first day of our vacation until school begins in a week or so, and I'm really looking forward to enjoying it with my family. I did get an e-mail yesterday asking me if I wanted to just cancel my vacation & take it some other time, since I had to cancel my trip plans (due to his filing court motions)
A record 2 crazies in one post! I guess there could be more if I thought about it...but I'm not.
Thanks for your post BA, and I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Sunny, I apologise for not checking in on you. I was on vacation for 3 weeks on August when all this happened and well..., I thought you had stopped posting.
I hope you are healthy now and I wish you could update us on what happened finally? Love K
Still sounds as if he doesn't want to let you go. He just has to have you in his life. The question is why? He can't let go and so he has to make your life a living Hades. Sorry that this is still going on.
Hope you are feeling better.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm on my 3rd round of strep throat & back on antibiotics. Can't seem to shake it, seems my immune system is at an all time low. Stress of legal issues, 2 interventions with older son, etc., had an effect.
Back in the saddle though, S18 is in his 3rd week in college, one individual mediation under my belt & somehow feeling pretty good about my life.
I never really got why there was so much negativity about Lawyers, jokes, etc., until now. H's L has been pulling so many dirty tricks. The latest was sending a list of what their camp is passing on to the mediator, putting a false filing date & not including H's 51 page mistake. It passed by my L's, but I caught it & had it submitted for his review. This is costing a fortune on both sides & my retainer is shrinking rapidly. They did include a credit card payment insert, & I'm tempted to put some of mine on there, since he pays for it...not sure which way to go on that.
H wanted to rush this thru before his next trip. Didn't happen. He left for over a weeks competition on Saturday, missing his scheduled time with S7 & making that 22 separate vacations with a total of 148 days since we separated. Mine is running 0/0 .
Still on n/c, although I had to drop off S7 at his soccer game & see him Saturday. I went off to sit the period after pictures until the game & H brings me a book he's reading, "to give me something to do." Non-fiction, 1st paragraph begins, "I was only 3 years old & my sister 7 when our parents divorced. It left us with insecurities & confusion." Seems there was a message there...who knows, I'm not interested in guessing.
@Kat>>>"Still sounds as if he doesn't want to let you go. He just has to have you in his life. The question is why? He can't let go and so he has to make your life a living Hades. Sorry that this is still going on."
Thanks, Kat! Not sure what he has in mind. It certainly has been a long time though. Sheesh, would prefer for him to leave me alone now.
.