"You have always been controlling. I feel totally under your thumb,and always have. You have tried to control my life all these years and I have to escape you to save my self"
"The kids will be fine.
I got these too AG. I never tried to control her in my life.
It's been over 2 weeks, but I am melting down again right now. I thought I was over this, but I guess not.
Going out with a buddy tonight though, so I have to buck up pretty soon.
What about the WAS who tells you YOU haven't been happy? Yes, I wasn't happy because he cheated. We went through several rocky months, but right before he dropped the bomb we things were really good between us and I thought things were picking up.
What about the WAS who tells you YOU haven't been happy? Yes, I wasn't happy because he cheated. We went through several rocky months, but right before he dropped the bomb we things were really good between us and I thought things were picking up.
That's what people thought about us too. It is the calm before the storm.
As much as I'd like to claim that one, it's all Gunny Highway. From the same scene pup posted. It's one of my top three movies and can quote lines all day long. Funny, you'd think more lessons would have sunk in.
Asher, I heard a variation of the same thing. She told me I was unhappy and had no life or interests even though I coach multiple sports, lead the Cub Scout Pack and am the king of social situations. She's always been adverse to parties and social events so much so that it was uncomfortable to attend them. She said that I might be depressed and she couldn't afford for it to take her down too. Projection anyone?
Yes, I admit that I WAS unhappy. My life was unraveling in front of me and I couldn't locate the pod. All I had was the alien. So, yes unhappy would be an apt description of my feelings at the time.
This is a good thread. Thnx Dan
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I get chills reading these quotes. It's as if you've lived the same life and been in the same movie...
In the end, nothing kills romance like acquiesence to their whims and nonsensical crap. They rewrite history to make themselves feel better.
One of my favorites (on top of the ones posted - cause I heard them as well) is the "we'll always be friends" and who could forget "you need to divorce me" or the ever popular "you could do better than me". Yep, oldie but goodies.
Believe me, the one thing you can and should do, is set those boundaries. Demand and get the respect you deserve. For me, that meant first stabilizing the home life for myself and then my kids (place the oxygen mask over your own mouth and then those of the children or infirm next to you). Then it meant extreme patience while I waited. Why wait? Because I never left my home nor my bedroom. I was a doormat, but I knew better than that and still do.
During it all, I never played along. The one time I validated, it became her reason for leaving. Screw that. Doesn't work. A better word for "validation" would be to empathize with your WAS. Validate is too clinical and is not interpreted very well in my opinion.
Grow a pair and set that boundary. Regain your self respect and your self esteem before you do ANYTHING else. That's the start. Forget about her and let her do her. Let her figure her out. You won't be able to. She hasn't. You'll hear all kinds of stories, excuses, blame, etc. Projection? Yep, get some popcorn. You'll see lots of it. It'll confuse you and make you think things are changing. They won't. Rather you are likely seeing the confusion your spouse has. Even my MC mentioned how confusing the explanations were from WAS. Is what it is. Until you can regain your self-esteem though, you are done before you start. Believe me, I wish it wasn't so. It's painful. It's heartwrenching. It's incredibly painful and may be the end of your marriage - at least as you know it. But that doesn't mean it's the end of you. It doesn't mean it is the end of your marriage to your WAS. If you choose so later. Can't be explained. That won't happen. She'll try to explain in some lame way, but will change her mind later and act as if she never said those things. Neat huh?
So the question is this: Now that you know what is going to be said, done, and then re-done - what are you going to do about you? How are you going to rebuild your self-esteem? Then, how are you going to interact with WAS? How are you going to get your respect back? What happens if she refuses to give you that respect? What's your deal breaker?
What I'm getting at is the blueprint for how to get past this and either save your marriage or choose to let it go. But first you have to let it go. Counterintuitive, but it is how it works. I've seen it on these boards countless times now.
For my money, I'd have kicked her out a year ago, except that I had to stay all in to find out the end of the story. I didn't start it. I didn't ask for it. But I will be respected and I will end it if that's what it takes. Oh, I realize I also didn't end it because she wanted me to end it. I won't be told what to do either - I am NOT A PET ROCK.
You shouldn't be either.
Before it's too late, answer those questions. Please. While it seems counterintuitive, it is the right thing to do. Nobody likes a smothering, crying, begging, hanger-on in a loving way. Nobody.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ok. i'm ready to let it go and move on with my life. We just split-up our stuff. have mediation on Monday and I am moving next saturday. Last R words from her were "I know this is what I have to do. I just want to be happy and I know I will never regret this."
She has been nice all along, still doing my laundry even.
What is her next move(s) once I leave? What should I be expecting and need to prepare for?
