A new beginning to an end

[soleil]

He called me last night to tell me I left my ring there (a little silver one) and that he was setting up his new king-sized bed and couldn't wait to sleep in it. I asked when he bought it and he said "2 months ago, it was just delivered."

It hasn't been 2 months since he took me on our Caribbean trip. That means it was right after he cancelled our MC and told me had his green card and that he slept with club girl. Which means... he never had any intention of working stuff out with me, IMO.

Then he told me (hold on to your horses, folks and sit down for this one) that I could move in "after the fact." "After the fact of what?" I asked. "After we get a D because then there won't be anything holding us together anymore."

Yes. He said that.

Meaning, since we won't be M'ed and if we stay together it's because we really want to, not because of "piece of paper." My husband is referring to our M as a "piece of paper."

Sweet!

So we're D'ing because marriage is too much of a responsibility per his words and I told him this...

People don't get divorces to work on their R.

That was met with silence.

He said I only want $ from him, that there's no way he's giving me any (but it's fair for me to sign the house over to him? We went back and forth, nothing accomplished, he said he LOVES me and CARES about me and I said, "Then why are you DIVORCING me?"

Even if I'm to believe all the BS he's telling you (which I don't for a sec) are you telling me that someone like him could be trusted that he's divorcing you so you can be a happy couple together? I don't think even Hollywood could come up with this brilliant plot: "I love you darling, let's get a divorce!" WHAT???

Decline his invitations, get your own life. He's no longer entitled to see your emotions or hear how you feel about anything- you're a brick wall from now on.

Yes. It's very "Hollywood" isn't it? Almost laughable. I need to GAL.

Sol - why did you even go over there? .

I know. I know. You remind me of my mom when you said that. But you are RIGHT, CG!

My H asked me to meet him at a restaurant (like a fool I did) and in the middle of a crowded restaurant he literally picked me apart from top to bottom and inside and out and told me in EVERY single way how much better the OW was than me... .

Ugh. I can't even imagine. What a super douchebag. Didn't you sy once that the OW won't allow him to speak your name or she gets upset?

People don't get divorces to work on their R. They get divorces so their finances are no longer an issue, so they can feel like they are the "good guy" and so they can bed whomever strikes their fancy without *feeling* like a cheat. .

Yes, this is true. People get D'ed cause they don't want to be with their spouse anymore. My stbx says he's not seeing anyone at all but who really knows.

[quote=Golfgirl1]Time to go dark and plan your strategy. Have no contact with him, do it all through your atty.

It's over/quote]

Ah yes, going dark.

Divorce is the ultimate rejection, isn't it? It's like, "Let's get married but until one of us doesn't want to do it anymore."

I reallllllllly need to get to the gym an dout of this rut. I am 29 and watching all my friends marry, have kids and here I am... "all by myselllllf" like that 80s song. I can do this though. Still can't believe I spent so much time with a man who promised me the world and told me there was only me and how he wanted to make a life with me only to find him D'ing me.

YUCK.

[SDFoundGirl]

Your H just sounds like he wants the proverbial milk for free, IMHO. Maya Angelou has a quote that I love: "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Your H has shown you the man he is over and over. Believe him. You have too much value to choose to remain in that situation. I'm going to say something that may sound harsh...but it's not meant to be an attack. I had someone say the same thing to me once, and once I got over being upset, I realized it was true.

If you continue to spend time with your H and listen to his crap, YOU are choosing to abuse yourself. Your H has shown who he is...it doesn't excuse his jerkiness, but at this point, you are the one hurting yourself, not him, because you could elect to walk away from anyone who shows so little respect for you.

On another note, I sort of understand the warped logic of getting rid of the piece of paper. Now, I don't think your H is saying that for any other reason than to keep you on the line and keep you hoping while letting go of any personal responsibility, so this doesn't apply to him. However, back when my sitch was going on and H and I had reconciled, my trust in him and in the institution of M was so broken, I kind of wanted to do the same thing. The piece of paper didn't keep him from pursuing an OW or staying committed to working on our R, so why keep it? I actually said that to H, and he blanched. In some ways I still feel that way, and I actually probably work from the belief that being married--or not--has little impact on the quality of my R...which is a good thing. I don't take it for granted anymore.

Don't sign over the house to him. Make him work.

SD

[ImprovedRomeo]

(((Sol)))

I'm seeing your mindset shifting where you're starting to see him in his true colors and I'm proud of you for that!

GAL'ing is important! Stop listening to those sad 80s songs...ya crazy?

Here's a better list of songs for you:

Sara Bareilles "King of anything"
Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again"
Toni Braxton's "Not man enough for me"

This is tough but you're tougher!

[soleil]

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I'm going to say something that may sound harsh...but it's not meant to be an attack. If you continue to spend time with your H and listen to his crap, YOU are choosing to abuse yourself. at this point, you are the one hurting yourself, not him, because you could elect to walk away from anyone who shows so little respect for you.

No offense taken. I appreciate all the advice I receive on this forum. It's true. It's time to go effing dark and kick him in the balls (mentally, of course). LOL.

I'm seeing your mindset shifting where you're starting to see him in his true colors and I'm proud of you for that!

Yes I do see that it's clear he doesn't want to be with me.
Ok. No more 80s songs (unless it's something by Boy George--love him or Wham!)

That Toni Braxton song cracks me up but is GOOD!

[ClingingToHope]

Don't panic about being 29. That's still prime. I can't believe church_31 wasn't taken. Beautiful, in killer shape, very sweet. It just takes some longer to find the right one.

You whiffed on this try. The next should be better.

[soleil]

Yesterday I open mail from stbx's L. It's a motion for a court hearing w/ him requesting exclusive ownership of our home & property of which, if I do not sign, he will charge me half of the mortgage, and the kicker...for me to pay his atty's fees.

I had to laugh (and cry a little).

It's the most ridiculous thing ever. I do not exaggerate when I say that stbx makes anywhere from $40k-$60k more than me a year.

I am hand-delivering this f-ckery to my atty later today. My atty seems to be quite busy and is always rushed to get off the phone w/ me due to some other call, etc. but I really need him today.

Last night I had a dream stbx drugged me to sleep and I woke up thinking pretty much all of my dreams involving him for the past 1.5 year have an evil touch to them--him strapping me in a car at full-speed, me saving him from a train a second before it obliterated him, him cheating, me feeling afraid around him, blah blah blah.

I have a painting at our home that I want and some jewelry that I want to get before all this goes down. Suggestions?

[CityGirl]

What you have to keep in mind is how negotiating works.

Your H is going to ask for EVERYTHING because if he has a brain (doubtful at this point) he knows he will have to make some concessions. It is not uncommon for the person who throws out the first settlement to be WAY off base.

He is also going to try and scare you into doing what he wants.

No worries if wants half the mortgage - just petition him for YOUR living expenses

Or tell him SURE you can have the house, no worries... I will just need a lump sum of cash in the amount of xxx,xxx.00. He will say he doesn't have it and you will say "not my problem!"

If your attny is not giving you time then really, please reconsider. You are now at the point where you need a very skilled and strong negotiator to help you along.

[soleil]

No worries if wants half the mortgage - just petition him for YOUR living expenses

Oh, CG. You really should be a lawyer. Because this is exactly what I'm doing. Hahaha. Your post made me LOL and made me feel better.

I did just see my L who is so much better in person than over the phone. He told me what the plan is and that my stbx's atty is not very knowledgeable re: the law. Hee hee.

CG, yesterday you posted in someone's sitch (can't remember who's) about filing motions and how that throws people off/prolongs things. Can you post it here? I can't remember what you said but it was very informative.

I am feeling like pretty good right now.

[brenalim]

say this to yourself sol...

"I deserve better. I deserve a someone who WANTS to be with me. No 'ifs, ands or buts' about it. I will not stay with someone who treats me poorly, cheats on me, or uses me to get what they want. I deserve better."

Keep saying it to yourself because it's true. it is what it is. you cannot change his mind. why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Stop going over there. Stop talking with him. He's involving lawyers and making it messy. PROTECT YOURSELF, he's not going to do it for you. All he'll do is keep screwing you over.

Let go, or be drug.

[antlers]

"I deserve better. I deserve a someone who WANTS to be with me. No 'ifs, ands or buts' about it. I will not stay with someone who treats me poorly, cheats on me, or uses me to get what they want. I deserve better."

Keep saying it to yourself because it's true. it is what it is. you cannot change his mind. why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Good advice!