I am(way to slowly)taking back the control from her. I have my shortcomings as we all do. I never realized how co-dependant I had become. I think it was Puppy who pointed that out in one of the first couple of posts on my thread.
Journaling-
Kids had their first full day of school. I got home and ate with them and then went to cut grass. Had to run to the store later and told them all good-night. W asked where I was going. I said I had to get some prescriptions filled. She said she could do it tomorrow for me. I said thanks, but I have to get used to doing stuff like this on my own.
I got home before 10:00 and got in the shower. When I came out into the bedroom, W was sitting in the bed. She said she had something to tell me and I was going to be pissed. The short version is the twins asked her if she was dating the super. She acted shocked and said of course not, mom and dad are married, blah, blah, blah. Who told you that? They said some kids at school.
So that led into her adamantly denying doing anything inappropriate with the super at school or any other time. I started off very calm. I said, yes, I was very mad that the kids are becoming more involved in this, but I wasn't surprised. She kept saying she didn't understand where the rumors were coming from, she had never cheated, and had never given anyone the impression that anything was going on. She blames it on small town gossip. I told her to believe whatever she wanted, but she had told me all along I was the only person who thought anything was happening between the two of them. She was lying all along and I was done with the lies.
So this turned into about an hour and a half bitch fest that really didn't accomplish anything. I again validated, listened and agreed with her. I know I messed up a few times and I know I let it go on for way too long. I finally said,"Look, you don't have to apologize to me for the past. I'm tired of this same conversation. You will still not admit to anything, it's someone else's fault that these rumors are going around. I don't care. If you can't tell me that you want to give this a 100% commitment and try to fix it, I will continue with proceeding with a D. Your choice. The door has always been open for you to come back." She then said she had never left. I rolled my eyes, put my hand over my heart and opened it like a door and said,"I mean the door to my heart," and smiled. She smiled through her tears. I then said the, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and some other DB stuff. I went to bed without waiting for an answer.
So, I know I let it go on too long. Her lies are starting to catch up to her and I need to leave her alone with them and let her deal and feel them. She is still in denial and I can't wake her up. It has to come from her. She says she has done nothing wrong.
This has been going on for almost a year. I looked back through my whole thread and I realize I was pretty much just sitting there waiting. I would do a few things that were recommended and fell like I had the world by the tail. Then I would revert to being scared because my sitch didn't turn around. Now, I can actually SEE the script happening right before my eyes. It still catches me off guard a little and I have to have my response to her thought out ahead of time and have it well rehearsed. The things she is saying is almost word for word script. It's either the first time I've noticed or the first time she has started using these words. I can see how some of the masters here can tell the future and predict what will happen.
I don't know if this can be saved. Her house of cards is starting to fall down. That will either wake her up or it won't. Her lies are catching up to her. That's all good. I have to stop getting in such long talks. I'm much better at listening but still catch myself trying to make my case and explain my point of view. This is not the time for that. I know.
I thought I had been DBing all along. Maybe I'm just getting started.
I feel the same way, that I have been dbing all along, but feel that I am just starting now, and with the D and living apart maybe that is my sign to start.
Very nice introspection IDU. I'm glad you are seeing the script and preparing yourself for the future. Apparently I am not that perceptive.
W and I got into a fight last night too, over money. When I complained about the court ordered payments a few weeks ago, she said, I can't help it, that what the court decided. They do this every day and that is what they think is necessary. Now she wants money additional to the court order. I should have said, I can't help it, that what the court decided. They do this every day and that is what they think is necessary.
I know I didn't accomplish anything good last night either, but maybe we are both at the point where we have just had enough.
I don't know if your W is lying about an affair or not, but I would say it was definitely and EA and definitely inappropriate. She needs to ownt that. I really like the way you are handling these conversations and I need to do the same.
W and I got into it a while back and started talking about OM again. She denied continuing to call him after she said it would stop, so I called her on some instances and asked her to deny them. She couldn't and didn't. She just stood there looking at me. There is nothing else to do for me now except to figure out the different financial scenarios about how this might play out and prepare for battle.
I am so looking forward to being separated.
Hang in there men. This is all very difficult stuff. I am having a hard time trying to be her friend when she continues to treat me this way and then ask for more money. Take a look at my last post and let me know what you think.
IDU - Nice job sticking to your guns. Dont let her insult your intelligence about the super. It's not worth your time. Just keep on stating that you are not interested in an OPEN MARRIAGE and if she is then she can hit the road. You pretty much covered this by saying I dont want to be w someone that doesnt want to be w me. So great job.
She is still in denial, like most ADDICTS are. So just keep on sticking to the main point of either you want to WORK on this or not. Nothing else matters. If not then continue with the court stuff. Keep on slapping her in the face with REALITY by asking about setting up CO-PARENTING schedules so you can continue your GAL. Instead of telling her you are running out for a prescription tell her you are just going out and stop by and see some friends. Create some mystery. Create the feeling of intrigue and wonder in her.
I did make one big mistake. While she was denying everything, I asked her about an e-mail she sent to her twins group that she is pres. of. She send one out each month and starts it off with a "Greetings from the President" and then lists the months event. Anyway, this one started with her apologizing for being and month behind and the explanation was this:
As most of you know, I am the volleyball and track coach at my kids' school. Last year I was the assistant coach for both sports. This year I am the head coach of both and also the boys' assistant basketball coach. I've been very busy and just haven't had time to get the newsletter put together.
She is NOT the head coach of anything but track and they have two meets a year. She is NOT any type of coach at all with basketball. One of her big excuses to calling and txting the super so much is it's all about sports because he is also the Athletic Director. She is an asst. coach in v'ball, not head coach.
She denied writing anything like this and I screwed up and told her I would show her a copy of it that I had in a file at work. "You have a file of my e-mails at work?" Uh-oh. So I said that a friend who had been through a D told me to make and keep notes about anything I might find useful later in court. I told her I have the dates and times that she has stayed out, the times she has left the kids with a sitter to go have a few beers, the times she has come home drunk, when I pick the kids up from school and she stays and doesn't come home until late, etc. She was shocked and asked why I would keep things like that. Was I going to try to get custody? I said I was simply protecting myself. She said that she had agreed to 50-50. I said that she agreed to that now, but that could change.
It happened before I new it. Oh, well. She has another thing to think about while she is mulling over our kids getting involved in her lies. I have my back covered. Probably not as much as I should but hopefully enough. She doesn't know what I have or don't have and I told her it may never need to see the light of day, it was her choice.
Just got back from meeting with the school board pres. I will post more later, if anyone cares, but it went well.
W has a rude awakening coming if what he tells me is true.
I can't get my mind around my mood swings here lately. I'm down then up. I'm sure I still think too much about my W and what she's thinking. Her lies are catching up to her. Right now, and I know it may change, I'm not really sure I would take her back if she wanted to come back. I learned a lot tonite and, while I wasn't surprised, some of it still came as a shock to me. This really isn't the person I married.
I do still want a new M with her if she can give me that. If not, I'm imagining a pretty good life without her. I'll have my kids at least 50% of the time and have some free time to myself. Money will be very tight. I have supportive family and friends and will make it work.
I pray to God all the time now to give me strength and to heal my family. It's no longer for my W to come back. I take comfort in what Pigskin said: God will not desert me. Remember that old Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers.
....just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gift's Are unanswered prayers.
I have to stop asking for what I think is best and listen to what He is telling me and what He knows is best.
Keep up the good spirits. It's normal to have ups and downs. I'm going to MC on Monday, yet I'm as low as I have been in weeks. Just try to focus on the positives; Coach says we can change our feeling through our thoughts, so I'm trying to do that. Give it a whirl.
The downs and ups are normal to me in my sitch. I just try to go with them and not let it get me down for too long.
I am sorry to hear that the board meeting shed some new light on your sitch. These are not the people we married because they would not be doing the things they are doing to us.
God will answer your prayers in what is best for you and your family. It may not always be what we expect.
In the end, you have to do what you think is best.
Do have a nice day and try to keep your mind off of the negative to see the positives in your life.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
It would take too long to go over what we talked about last night. The SB Pres. basically confirmed all of my suspicions and said that he had warned the super a year ago to stop whatever was going on. He also said that they had some of the same problems with the previous super and my W. She would put herself in the middle of things and take the super's side in every conflict. It caused a lot of tensions between the members. He said he has been asked about my W and the super at church and just around town. Some of it may be petty stuff, IDK. I do know it helps me with a timeline of when our problems started and why.
One of the members had been defending her pretty strongly. It seems she had been telling him things about me that were not true while denying she and the super had any contact outside of school. He has since learned that it was all BS and is recomending that she be relieved of her coaching duties. Teachers have complained and the super had her back and denied things. The scope of her lies is surprising me and I kind of expected it. There's no way I can prove anything physical for the courts, but the EA, to me, is just as bad.
I guess all I can do is press forward with the D paperwork and wait for more things to come to light. Her house of cards is starting to come down. I hope she thinks it is worth it.
