I concur. You did great. She needs to learn the differences between being CONTROLLING and SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Look at Puppy's examples of the differences. You followed them well with your "I statements".
Going on dates is a great idea if she is fully committed to working on YOUR marriage that doesn NOT include any 3RD parties. Flirting included. This is not respectful period. Especially with someone that should be rebuilding your TRUST.
"It's not an ulimatum. You told me what you want, and I'm telling you what's right for me. Do whatever you want."
Truth dart in the bullseye.
Let her come to you now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was so impressed by your staunchness, Future. She tried to manipulate, but it failed.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
It's funny. Her tendancy to manipulate is so entrenched. I can see her fighting it, and trying to be open and honest, but it's a struggle for her. I'm struggling against my own entrenched tendancy to avoid, and fix, and please.
Gawd, Future, I could have written that myself. That hit so close to home for me that I found it physically uncomfortable to read.
We are a lot alike, you and I, and so are our wives.
She replied "You won't go to Disney if I say I'm going to go out and have fun and flirt." I said "It's not an ulimatum. You told me what you want, and I'm telling you what's right for me. Do whatever you want." She looked agitated. I can see her common manipulations aren't working, and it's causing her anxiety to build up.
So she tried a new one:
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
She said "You know what <son> said to me when I told him about Disney? I said I had something exciting to tell them, and when I said we were going to Disney, he looked really sad and walked away. I went and talked to him and asked him why, but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if he thought I was going to say that we were getthing back together, and he nodded and started crying." It hit me like a sledgehammer, and I almost broke down there at the table.
and it worked. boy. did it work.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
I thought about perhaps discussing some potential date ideas
Yeah, the "A+" quickly becomes a "C-" if Future wavers on this one. This (to me, anyway) would be a DEALBREAKER, and it seems to me, more importantly, that Future has made it one as well. Once a boundary has laid, it has GOT to be enforced, or you will forever lose credibility, respect and yes -- love.
"...if either of us gets into a sitation where we want to have sex with someone else, then we should tell each other."
You could have some fun with that. Got a whole scene playing in my head right now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
