Another long term relationship bombed

[john28]

Today however, I have overwhelming sadness. Strangely I am sad for my W. I feel her misery and pain. There is nothing more I want to do right now than give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be alright.

Why am I feeling sad for her? She is the one who is causing the pain, yet I feel so bad for her. Am I really that close to accept the fact that she could be happy without me? I know that is not true. She will not be happier, I am positive about that.

You are feeling sad because you have started to have empathy for her. You're starting to realize what she is feeling, regardless of what she has done to cause any amount of pain. You're starting to understand that the pain she caused was only done to reflect the amount of pain she felt inside.

You love your W. That's why you're sad - you can't imagine that the person you love most in this world could feel so hurt and pained. It eats you up. You said yourself all you want to do is give her a hug and tell her that everything will be OK. And, you can't do that right now - so instead you just sit there and feel sorry for her and empathize with her pain.

It's natural to feel this way. Just take a step back for a second and understand WHY you feel this way. You're not sad because YOU are sad, you're sad because SHE is sad. There is a huge difference.

[pookie69]

I know mind reading is dangerous. When I stopped doing it, things became much simpler. Sometimes it just hard not to wonder, especially when her behavior makes no rational sense.

It is the old reaction - what did I do to cause such behavior, good or bad.

[pookie69]

I hear the advice here that I was given not to stay overnight when I go to swap the dogs at her vacation place.

It is about 2.5 hours away and I can certainly time it so that I can leave without staying or just simply leave whenever.

What I am extremely curious about is to see her state of mind after being alone for 4 days in a isolated lake house. I need to prepare myself for the possibility that she wants to talk about our R.

I know her enough to expect that. Even with the drunk outbursts which I obviously dislike, I can read between the lines when she talks. She is very isolated person when it comes to her feelings. The latest outburst sounded totally different than any of the earlier ones. Even though it started the same way it provided clues that some of my 180 techniques may have worked.

She is waiting for my response and she does not know what I would tell her. It is bothering her and I don't think I am mind reading here.

I have distanced myself for over 4 months, but doing the DB only as long as my thread has existed here.

I have to make decision soon and I have to set boundaries for possible outcome. Her vacation alone may provide me with the opportunity to finalize my response which is due shortly after.

What should I look out for and how should I make my point without damaging what I have accomplished?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

What I am extremely curious about is to see her state of mind after being alone for 4 days in a isolated lake house. I need to prepare myself for the possibility that she wants to talk about our R.

you are getting way , way too ahead of yourself with this thinking.

I know her enough to expect that. Even with the drunk outbursts which I obviously dislike, I can read between the lines when she talks.

Did you ever think of W would leave you or want a D?

I say this b/c my W and I even talked about how important it was to stay together and to raise our kids together years ago.
People change, dont be naive.

I have to make decision soon and I have to set boundaries for possible outcome. Her vacation alone may provide me with the opportunity to finalize my response which is due shortly after

.
This here shows you are still reacting to her actions.
Decide what you want and what's best for you.



Posted on 8/9

Gucci,

I hear you. My self confidence is definately lacking right now. And you're right - she sees that. My self confidence was #1 quality that she fell in love with when we first met.

I never thought that I could change so fundamentally.

I think I will be the one who needs to leave.

[pookie69]

you are getting way , way too ahead of yourself with this thinking.

What if she does bring it up. I don't want to get caught off guard. I am not going to suggest yet that we should start working on R. But maybe I would suggest that she went to see IC to sort out her issues by herself. She knows that I've been seeing IC. She even tried to get his name which I did not give up.

Did you ever think of W would leave you or want a D?

I know that's mind reading, but there have been suddle differences in what she says and how she says it. "When are you going to leave?" has been replaced with "What do you want to do?", "I don't love you." has been replaced with "I was able to love you again last time, but you did not recognize that.", "I have not loved you for 10 years." has been replaced with "I gave us a new start 7 years ago and you blew it."

This here shows you are still reacting to her actions.
Decide what you want and what's best for you.

What's best for me is to stay in the house fix things that I planned on fixing this summer and take care of my dog pack.

[pinhead]

you are getting way , way too ahead of yourself with this thinking.

What if she does bring it up. I don't want to get caught off guard. I am not going to suggest yet that we should start working on R. But maybe I would suggest that she went to see IC to sort out her issues by herself. She knows that I've been seeing IC. She even tried to get his name which I did not give up.

Did you ever think of W would leave you or want a D?

I know that's mind reading, but there have been suddle differences in what she says and how she says it. "When are you going to leave?" has been replaced with "What do you want to do?", "I don't love you." has been replaced with "I was able to love you again last time, but you did not recognize that.", "I have not loved you for 10 years." has been replaced with "I gave us a new start 7 years ago and you blew it."

This here shows you are still reacting to her actions.
Decide what you want and what's best for you.

What's best for me is to stay in the house fix things that I planned on fixing this summer and take care of my dog pack.

IF it comes up, say something along the lines of:

"I'll need some time to think about that."

[gr8 day 2B alive]

What if she does bring it up. I don't want to get caught off guard. I am not going to suggest yet that we should start working on R. But maybe I would suggest that she went to see IC to sort out her issues by herself. She knows that I've been seeing IC. She even tried to get his name which I did not give up.

YOU are working on the R.

Try telling an alcoholic they have a drinking problem. It won't work. She needs to be the one to recognize she needs help.

You're going to IC, great! She knows that. How do you feel when you get out of a session? Are you portraying a happy confident person? Should could be seeing good things from you going to IC.
You don't have to give het the specific name but tell her it's the ABC group on main st.

I know that's mind reading, but there have been suddle differences in what she says and how she says it. "When are you going to leave?" has been replaced with "What do you want to do?", "I don't love you." has been replaced with "I was able to love you again last time, but you did not recognize that.", "I have not loved you for 10 years." has been replaced with "I gave us a new start 7 years ago and you blew it

She is uncertain with her feelings. These exapmles could easily flip te other way tomorrow. Be careful.

What's best for me is to stay in the house fix things that I planned on fixing this summer and take care of my dog pack.

voila, there's your answer. Let her know how YOU feel and if she asks a question you don't know the answer to or don't want to reply to right, than use the :

I need time to think about that..

I see your point and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Let me get back to you.

You are the one in control of you.
Saying these things in a loving way will show her you care about her feelings and will process the information.

[pookie69]

How do you feel when you get out of a session? Are you portraying a happy confident person?

Yes. After the very first session I came home happy and content. She noticed that and that's when she started grilling me about the IC, who he was and what expertise does he have. She asked me what his philosophy was.

Luckily I had bought DR book right after my early morning session and read the whole thing in a park before I came home. I dodged all of her questions simply saying that IC is a great wise man and that he is perfect for my needs right now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Luckily I had bought DR book right after my early morning session and read the whole thing in a park before I came home. I dodged all of her questions simply saying that IC is a great wise man and that he is perfect for my needs right now.

Perfect.

Now stay focus and continue the hard work.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Pookie, I thought of this post from robx on tbart thread.

Start reading from page 64
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2057927&page=64
you tell her:

"I'm not sure anymore, after going through this entire process, I'm not sure how I feel anymore about you or us as a couple, I've had to get used to the idea of not being with you and not being married because that's all you've wanted for the last several months and honestly I've lost some trust in you since you were willing to split us and our family apart I've had a lot of thinking to do on my part, you feel like considering the two of us getting back together again now but your feelings unfortunately seem to change regularly, and they may change again and that's something I have to consider and I would need to be able to trust you and your commitment to us, I don't want someone to stay with me just because of money, I want something better for me and the person I'm with. That's just me being honest, I hope you can understand that."

You've been pursuing her for so long,
now you turn it around,
you reject her indirectly,
you've had an awakening now,
you've been doing some thinking,
maybe this is for the best,
you don't want someone who is flakey and changes their mind every other day about the relationship they have with you,
you want better,
you're worth better.

It's counter-intuitive and it works, regardless of her initial reaction to you saying this. It's a soft rejection, you're not turning down the idea but you are taking her side on this issue where for the longest time you were on the opposite side of her on this issue. You adopt her thought and mindset on this when she didn't want to be married. This enables her to pursue you, this gives you higher value, this is what she wants, she wants to pursue you (or another man) that she can't have, give her what she wants (indirectly).

The idea is, YOU need time to think about this, it's your decision now, don't just jump at the offer she's giving you, you will get slammed down again. Make her work for it, make her show you she is committed to you and your family and not just because of money security issues.

The real question is, can you pull it off?