The punches keep coming. W and I Talked about S school, had to pry a bit, but W has already signed a lease on a place for her and the kids, and has enrolled S in school. Originally I was uspet about this, then I realized its probably for the best. I realize I am trying to rush my changes, and it is coming across as false. W is done, she stated she keeps waffling back and forth, but in reality she is making her "actions" towards filing and leaving. I dont believe what she says, but the fact she filed and signed a lease last week are pretty good indicators that she is moving on.
So what choices do i have now? well I guess its really easy to answer that. I need to get my sh!t together, work on me and do things for me.Tonight I did realize how much I have damaged are M. I said I understood her choice, did not ask her to reconsider, just went along with her choice. She is at the point that no matter what I say she doesnt believe me, I dont blame her really. I have lied about small and large things, mainly because of my ego, and in the end it truly caught up with me and our M.
She told me she doesnt believe I am ready to change, she feels the IC and the other things I am doing are just to make her feel better. She is upset that I received a mailer from Twin Peaks, she says you dont respect our M. I wanted to defend myself, on some points I did most of them i did not, I let her speak and I listened. She is freaked out that I am already dating, which is one point I stood firm on that was not the case. I can tell she is very tore up about this, she is friendly but she gets very emotional when we talk. She is still very attached, but she is set in her ways right now.
Do I think its the end for us? maybe maybe not. But any chance of reconciliation in the near future is a long shot. I have realized that tonight, and for now, I am ok with it. I told her I would help her move which I think surprised her. She does not expect me to cover her insurance any longer, god I am glad I did not rent a house yet. I have a buddy who lives in a nice house by himself and said I can rent a room there. With the current financial sitch, all in all things are happening the way they are for a reason.
I can stay with him, focus on work and save money. She said she can be civil with me, and have normal conversation, but anything else hurts too much for her. I guess that is her saying she is still attached in some way. Dont know if this is typical or not.
I guess the divorce and the living apart will either let her move on or miss me, obviously she is so angry about the lying I have done, that no matter what I do now, it will not work. I think the only option is to bury the old M, and let us both start off clean apart. any thoughts out there???
I forgot to mention, the W still wants to do counseling next month? strange I guess, and she also mentioned that she did not feel the buddy I am going to live with is a good idea, she referred to the house as a bachelor pad, and used the kids as a reason to say, I dont think its a good environment for them. dont know what to think of that. I guess she is not completely detached.
Where you live is really not her concern anymore. As long as your buddy isn't doing drugs or having orgies at the house, then she can't keep you from seeing your kids.
She is obviously not detached, but she's driving this thing. I think the reality of what she's doing is starting to dawn on her.
Get Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue. It's great for communication. My H and I had similar communcation issues. This book really helped change the dynamics of our R. You can implement the changes by yourself. When you change the way you communicate with her, she will have to change her style to you.
Also, when my H and I were separated, I told him that I knew that we both made a lot of assumptions when communicating with each other. I knew that I had made mistakes in the past by not telling him the truth about how I felt. But that from that point forward, I was committed to being honest about my feelings, etc and I would not say something that I did not mean. I would also not assume that he meant something other than what he actually said so he should please tell me exactly what he thought, felt, etc.
A statement like that to your W might help. She's making a lot of assumptions about what you want, how you feel, etc. You need to make it clear that this is a negative pattern and you want to stop it. If you notice in the above example, I used all "I statements". That's very disarming because you're not blaming them just stating what you are willing to do.
She is driving this thing, there is no doubt about that. As she was leaving this morning, she said she would probably start moving small stuff over to her place. I didnt say anything. As she was walking out, a mover showed up to give me a quote. She seemed stunned a bit, as he was sitting with me, she came back in the house started doing some stuff in the kitchen, and I asked her what her address is. She did not know it off the top of her head, but I think she is still surprised that I told her that I would help her move. Again she had this look on her face, the one that looks like oh sh!t this thing is moving forward.
Before you start moving stuff, be sure to go through and make a list of what you really want. Keep in mind that you will eventually need a room for your kids at your place. Unless you intend to have to buy everything new, you'll need 50% of the kids stuff at your house. Also, you need furniture just as much as she does. Don't just let her have everything.
If you need to put some stuff in storage for awhile, do it. But don't just cave to her.
I will take some of the kids stuff, I think splitting things up will be amicable. I told the W today that I have a meeting tonight at 7, and wont be home til after nine. I told her that if she has to work late I will drop the kids off at daycare and she can pick them up. She seemed a little confused, but this is the reality of the situation, I am going to give her the joint custody she is asking for, and right now I cannot do 50/50 since I will be staying with a buddy for a while. I am going to talk to him about setting up his other spare room for my kids. When we are officially split, I will not be her babysitter on call. I will do everything I can to see my kids as much as possible, but I cannot make this easy for her, again she is making her own bed and she needs to lie in it for a while.
W texted me from the Dr's office, kids need to get their shots beofre school starts. She texted me that my ex biz parnter's wife was also there, W and her dont get along, anyway she texted she was there with a hahahahaha, I did not respond and wont either. I am going to only respond to things about our D, house and kids, other than that I am not going to be there for her, even with little stiff like that. She told me last night she cant see us being friends right away, because friends dont lie to each other. Again she is putting the lying thing back on me, then she texts me stupid stuff like that? I am not going to be a part of the bs any longer.
But she sstill wants to go to church as a family and start counseling next month, which is right around the time of our first hearing. I think the counseling will be more for the kids than our M anyway.
When you don't respond to that stuff, she'll eventually get the hint. I do want to caution you though. The D needs to be a long term outline of what you want, not based on what you do right now. That means that if you want 50/50, you need to set it up from the start. You can't count on her being willing to change it later. Also, since time equals money(support) in a D, she could get very comfortable with you paying more and seeing the kids less.
Also, don't use time with the kids as manipulation. If she wants you to have the kids and you can, do it. She'll only hurt herself and you'll built a great bond with your kids.
You are right blue, I told the W my intentions last night was to do 50/50 which is what I will suggest at our hearing. I will provide a room for the kids at the place I am staying, and will ask the judge that if he grants 50/50, then no child support either eay. I am going to get the kids under my medical insurance, the wife is working but she doesnt report a lot of her income so i am sure she will lean on the state for help.
