I have made a mistake but still don't fully understand what's going on.
We had a wonderful Saturday, had a dinner with her uncle and his wife. First time I felt that I was being invited back into her inner family circle. I understood that I just penetrated the utmost outer ring.
Sunday we went shopping for her upcoming vacation alone with 2 of the dogs and got some stakes and cables for her to use at her lake house to keep them at bay.
Went to early dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. After 3 glasses of wine she suddenly became viral. It started the same "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for last 10 years". This time I tried the answer of "I am so sorry you feel that way right now."
She proceeded to explain how long she had been waiting for me to turn "around" and understanding her. That last time she gave me another chance was with full of expectations which I failed to fulfill.
I have been thinking about this possible answer for a long time but I don't know what she ever meant especially when in that state.
I was completely at a loss. I told her that I've been seen a therapist and learning about us, our past but most importantly about myself.
She said that all I've done is too late and that if I had it done years ago there have would have been something to save today. I said that "I am sorry it did not happen then, but for a past 2 months I have been working on all of what you see wrong in our R."
She said that she did not believe me. I told her that I've spent a lot of money on a wonderful and wise IC who has opened my eyes on everything.
We left and came home. She was happy and content for about an hour. We played with our dogs and she kept putting them on my lap one after another. I always took that as a sign of "I'm sorry."
Yet, minutes later she started again about the need of separation. I told her that my official answer about the logistics is not due until she comes back from her vacation, which is 3 weeks away and that she should enjoy her vacation as much as possible.
At this point she started to scare me a bit - 3 glasses of wine for a person who has become a fully fledged alcoholic in a last 4 months, she looked wasted and wanted to go to bed at 5pm.
When she was leaving the room, she was blaming me for ALL of her health issues.
She may have MS and we don't know until her MRI is scheduled in a few weeks. I know that even after that it may not be conclusive.
I am totally at a loss right now. Her mental state is not at all rational or normal any more.
His W like to drink and go out to happy hours 2-3 times a week.
She always started crap after a few glasses of wine. She left a few times and they were on the rocks just about the same time my sitch started.
I will tell you this, don't engage in ANY r talk after she has been drinking.
i'll also say this... he was an excellent DB and didn't even know it. He didn't talk to her when she drank. Told her if she doesn't want to stay with him she was free to go. He even packed her bag and said if she didn't like it here to get the eff out. That was a total 180 for him. They are know doing so much better. I notice she comes after work to spend more time at home.
He took control, set her free and stood his ground.
It worked for him.
Don't believe all the crap your W says about the past especially after she has been drinking.
His W did the Jeckle and Hyde bit on him too.
Stand your ground.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I've been running through all of what was said last night. There were a lot of questions about why I think our R should continue. Why I don't want to leave. Why I think there I a chance. Why I did not take it seriously last time. According to W she had given me an opportunity.
I am glad I did not answer any of it last night.
This morning she called me and let me know about vet's test results for one of our dogs. She could have waited until we both got home. She could have texted. But she called. It was positive news. She wanted to share.
So now I'm thinking just to go all the way and tell her what I think. That I don't want this R any more either but that I want a new fresh R with no baggage from past. That I have learned alot lately and won't make any more mistakes. At the same time I'm ready to move out also.
I don't think I have a choice. I need to end this status quo. She may answer to me or not. She will have a whole next week to think while on a vacation.
I went home prepared to talk. Also had a letter with me in case the opportunity to talk did not present itself.
To my surprise W was already home preparing massive dinner. I was stunned by that. Knowing her so well it was definately another "I'm sorry about yesterday" act.
I could not bring myself together to talk about us or the sitch and decided not to hand over the letter either.
I was happy to see her in a good mood and catering for me. She loves to cook and since it does not happen often anymore, I was enjoying watching her enjoy herself in the kitchen.
I was trying to be helpful but not too much. Did my ususal duty of cleaning up the kitchen before and after the meal. She thanked me for every move I made which is unusual even under normal circumstances.
I am very confused about how to move forward. Is anyone still read this thread?
I could not bring myself together to talk about us or the sitch and decided not to hand over the letter either
.
that was a good move.
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I've been running through all of what was said last night. There were a lot of questions about why I think our R should continue. Why I don't want to leave. Why I think there I a chance. Why I did not take it seriously last time. According to W she had given me an opportunity.
You really should not be talking about the R.
She seems to be in a wishy washy state of mind right now and will keep flipping back and for until you make a stand.
I'm only saying this b/c it is so much like my neighbors sitch.
It was until he started making decisions for him that the changed her mind.
Again he packed her bag, he told her to get the eff out if she doesn't like it at home.
He made a stand stating, I'm not going to be treated this way anymore.
Now you can dwell on her kind acts and take them for her being ok with the M or you can make a stand show her that you are strong and if she wants to leave, then show her the door.
She will continue to sawy back on forth until you take action.
Don't talk about her trip. When she leaves just say have fun. Thant's it. Do tell her would you will be doing or even call her the whole time.
my 2cents.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I know I have to take baby steps in here. I know her so well. She is trying to reach out to me because she does no longer understand my state of mind. That's why she is confused.
In the past when emotional outbursts like the recent one happened, I reacted to them. I would not speak for days. I got angry and tried to defend myself or question her motives. I clanged onto her words and repeated them back to her questioning the validity of her statements.
Now I only said "I'm sorry for how you feel." When it was over, it was over. No reaction, no anger - like it never even happened.
It is amazing how that works.
On the other hand I still have a deadline to tell her what I think of all this. I can't put that off.
She wanted me to bring up the 2 dogs for a swap in the middle of the week while she's vacationing and asked me to stay overnight. I was planning on taking the next day off.
I am torn about that. Part of me really wants to do that. It would be 4 days into her peaceful and tranquil vacation and I am very curious to see how she's doing at that point. Maybe she would initiate some talk since we are away from our routines. We have always had the best time when vacationing.
But I have to be very careful with my reaction/response and I know that.
At the same time everything seems so far away. Every day is different and unpredictable. What seems right today will be wrong tomorrow and vice versa. It's a rollercoaster.
My sitch is beginning to take a toll on me. Yesterday when I wrote the letter and prepared myself to talk if necessary I was happy and optimistic. The evening turned out to be great and I should still be optimistic.
Today however, I have overwhelming sadness. Strangely I am sad for my W. I feel her misery and pain. There is nothing more I want to do right now than give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be alright.
Why am I feeling sad for her? She is the one who is causing the pain, yet I feel so bad for her. Am I really that close to accept the fact that she could be happy without me? I know that is not true. She will not be happier, I am positive about that.
She is trying to reach out to me because she does no longer understand my state of mind. That's why she is confused.
This is mind reading and is very dangerous.
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In the past when emotional outbursts like the recent one happened, I reacted to them. I would not speak for days. I got angry and tried to defend myself or question her motives. I clanged onto her words and repeated them back to her questioning the validity of her statements.
Now I only said "I'm sorry for how you feel." When it was over, it was over. No reaction, no anger - like it never even happened.
It is amazing how that works.
Coach has some good thoughts about that. Asking: open-ended question to talk work best.
How can I support you with ....
Make her feel you want to understand her.
I don't think you should stay overnight. IMO
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We have always had the best time when vacationing
. not going gives her a chance to miss those fun times.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
