putting my big girl panties on

[sandi2]

Hey flowmom! I just wanted to stick my head in and say that your thread caught my eye.

Those big girl panties may not be what we really want, but there are times that they are "necessary"!

You have really provided a great service by encouraging others here on the board. Just wanted you to know that you're appreciated.

[flowmom]

I want to share some things that I wrote to a friend about my decision to (foolishly?) start dating.

friend said that she is realizing how bad her marriage was

Me too . And enjoying normal companionship with men who don't have contempt for me and my feelings makes me realize how low my expectations got in my M . It feels SO GOOD to make love, enjoy simple activities, share a bed for the night, have a reciprocal interest and curiosity about one another.

friend asked how I knew I was ready to date, and if others discouraged me

No, actually I got encouragement. People did think I was ready. No one encouraged me to "jump into" anything, but I think my supporters wanted me to break the "hold" that stbxh had on me. And they were right.

Frankly, I didn't really feel that I was ready. But I was SO preoccupied with wanting sex and male companionship that it was getting ridiculous. Yup. I'm embarassed but that's the truth. I decided that I just couldn't shut off that part of myself for a minute longer. It had been MANY YEARS.

friend wonders if she is blind to the possibility of other men

I know that was the case for me. Even a couple of months ago I thought I couldn't be attracted to another man, or that I couldn't "feel that way" about another man. And now stbxh is almost chopped liver to me. Ah the fickle hormones and feelings! In the sunshine of attention from other WONDERFUL men who actually desire, enjoy, like, and are interested in me, stbxh doesn't look so great.

I think it helped that I went into the grief process all the way. I wallowed in my feelings and didn't stop them. It hurt like hell but I got through to the other side. And on the other side I found acceptance of the reality that it is OVER. Embracing reality was the key for me.

I know I still have baggage. That baggage is my problem to deal with, but I believe that it would have been triggered in a R situation no longer how long I waited. And every triggered feeling is an opportunity for growth for me.

I don't believe in "waiting until I'm fixed". I have had to abandon that approach before at other times in my personal development. I believe in learning through living and taking responsibility for keeping my eyes wide open to reality. Closing myself off to the powerful urges that I am feeling to connect with men just wouldn't be me being fully myself right now.

[flowmom]

So, my baggage is rearing its ugly head and it's taking a lot for me to manage it as I date M, my almost-beau.

I'm finding that I want a LOT of reassurance from M...but I am trying to manage it by self-soothing rather than acting needy.

When I look at things objectively, the facts point to things being on track for where things are at between M and I. We are enjoying one another's company, doing a variety of activities, having great sex, communicating regularly, making efforts to see one another (quite challenging given distance, and work/part-time parenting schedules). He initiates conversations that are about getting to know me better...in many areas. But the fact is that we are still getting to know one another and building trust. It's probably appropriate for both of us to be somewhat guarded, not fully showing our vulnerability at this point (which is what we're both doing).

Of course my fear is that he is emotionally unavailable, doing and saying all the right things now, but not having the right feelings or "falling for me". And of course I'm afraid of getting really invested in him and the R and then being rejected. I think the only solution to that is remembering that rejection would be hard, but that I'd be OK. And I need to stay in the present, not worry about things not turning out in the future.

It feels like a lot is at stake. With the other man that I dated recently, what was on the table was a Saturday night friend and lover monogamous relationship, disconnected from other parts of our lives. The level of risk in a R like that is a lot less obviously.

With M, there is the potential of eventually sharing our lives. He wants the whole package and is pretty frank about it. And being evaluated in that way makes me feel pretty vulnerable...I've never had that experience before. I need to keep refocusing on what I want, whether he can offer what I need, etc. And we both know what's at stake here...the impact on our children, etc.

One way that I am protecting myself is reading this book:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/
It's a great book and I am getting so much insight about my failed M. I feel like it arms be with a better understanding about what to look for, in M and in myself, as I face the fear of being with an emotionally unavailable man again. But my best assessment at this point is that what's going on is more my own insecurity, rather than limitations on his part. It's too early to know where this is going or what the emotional potential of this relationship is.

[flowmom]

http://hotalphafemale.com/2008/03/why-dont-you-date-youself-the-power-of-a-magnetic-personality.html

I really like the above article and it's helping me to focus on myself as I date.

I've been doing really well with GAL . I went dancing with my Smart Sister the last two Saturday nights and it's been GREAT. It's awesome to be out in the world, having fun, expressing myself, without needing a man to be part of it. We're going out again on Sat night. I'm lucky to have a partner in crime at this point in my life .

I've been exercising a bit and doing some paid work too. And I'm getting on top of housework. I'm not doing so great with juggling, dropping balls a lot and screwing up at times. But spending WAY less time on the computer, which feels good.

stbxh and I are starting to negotiate the separation agreement, on our own for the time being. Things are off to a positive start, fingers crossed that that continues. We're talking about custody arrangements at this point. Hard because I don't think he really knows what he wants.

Still having dealt with finances enough. That needs to happen soon.

But at least now when I'm procrastinating, I'm doing more things that are actually nourishing to me, not just "killing time".

[flowmom]

Great article about control that speaks to me today:
http://hotalphafemale.com/2010/07/how-to-overcome-being-a-control-freak.html#more-361

Nowdays I don’t have the urge to make my partner into a “better person” - he is doing a great job on his own. My plan is not to have a plan. I don’t need to worry about what he should wear, what he should eat and what he should spend his time on. I feel safe and secure knowing that relinquishing that control gives me the freedom and the happiness that I really desire. I use the energy I would exert on fixing my partner on doing things that make me feel good. I don’t need to know what is going to happen next and only focus on what is happening right now. And most importantly I trust that as long as you remain authentic in that relationship; no matter if it lasts a lifetime or ends tomorrow that you did the best you knew how, with who you were at that given point in time – and that is more than enough.

I'm not feeling to urge to change M, but where my control freakiness is coming is is the "need" to know where the R is going etc. It's helpful to see this as a control issue and I've struggled with this in the past, not just in Rs but other areas of my life (stressing about what is going to happen in the future instead of focusing on the present).

[flowmom]

Life continues to be interesting.

On Oct 1, two days after I last posted, almost-beau told me that he didn't "see us as a couple" and broke up with me. I guess all my anxiety and insecurity was well-founded. I was hooked on him, but once the thrill of the chase was over for him, I think he realized that it wasn't a love thing for him. His mind created a future for us, but his heart didn't follow. The rejection hurt, and triggered the feelings of not being loveable/good enough that I had with STBXH. He really is an amazing guy and I was sad that we wouldn't have some of the experiences that I allowed myself to hope for.

But life wasn't going to make it convenient for me to pine over a man who couldn't offer me an emotional connection. The following day, the first guy that I dated (Guitarist) phoned me and we spoke for the first time in almost a month since I told him that I'd be seeing M exclusively. I guess I had been on Guitarist's mind and he decided to phone me one last time to see if I was happy with M. Eerie timing, as I was home alone and sick, licking my wounded ego and feeling sad.

Lucky, lucky me that I am getting a second chance with Guitarist. We have seen one another four times in the last two weeks and things are moving fast. Guitarist hasn't been pushing things, but a couple of days ago he confessed that he's "crazy about me". Wow. It was quite a thrill to hear that

Guitarist certainly is a manly guy with a lot of inner strength. But he has also shown that he can be open and share his vulnerability with me. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a relationship with a man like him.

When I started dating, I knew I wanted sex and male companionship. I guess I didn't realize how much I craved affection and emotional connection until it was there in abundance with Guitarist.

So I guess have a beau...and I'm feeling really good about it. Guitarist has a lot to offer, and loves what I have to offer. We can steal time out of our busy lives and enjoy one another with no complications. At least that is what it seems like at this point.

[Kalni]

Hey flowmom,
I am glad you are having fun! It doenst matter how anybody calls it, if you agree or not, these are rebound relationships and I hope you are lucky enough to have one develope into something more if that's what you want.
It sure sounds fishy to me to think of a life potential with one guy the one day and then go ahead and start dating "seriously" the other guy...
So..., can you be responsible while dating?
Hugs
K

[flowmom]

Nice to hear from you Kalni

Rebound? Guilty as charged I suppose. I know that I have limitations in my own ability to be in a LTR at this point. I guess it is about enjoying the present and being honest with myself and others. Which I think I'm doing OK at. No one has been led to believe that I'm ready for a commitment of any kind. Yes, I went there in my head, in fantasy with M. But I never said anything to him that was other than totally frank regarding my intentions, or lack of them.

I also know that my heart acts quickly. I went directly from a 2 year live-together R to being with STBXH for 18 years. Was STBXH a rebound R? I don't think so.

Guitarist isn't a "serious" relationship. He's a boyfriend, there's a connection, we're seeing one another exclusively and plan to do so in the medium term. He only separated last September so we're in the same place of re-finding ourselves after losing ourselves in parenting and dead marriages. We both want and need to grab some pleasure and find some connection.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I've been alone emotionally and physically for years. Being with a man is a 180 for me...a wonderful one.

[sandi2]

I'm not afraid of being alone. I've been alone emotionally and physically for years. Being with a man is a 180 for me...a wonderful one.

You talking mighty big for a girl who's thrown away her pull-ups!

[flowmom]

ROFL Sandi