FM, thank you so much for this thread! I am fairly new to this site, and hadn't seen this before. Your situation and mine are so similar it is crazy. Your positive outlook and friendly ending with your ex give me hope that, if my H doesn't return to the home, he and I can continue to have a positive relationship for the kids.
Good luck to you and feel free to visit us anytime!
Me: 34 H: 34 S: 8 D: 5 M: 10 yrs T: 12 yrs Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him) S: 7-16-10
My advice to everyone here is to embrace reality. Look it square in the eye. Tackle everything that's your business, and fully let go of what's outside of your control. Hint: wanting someone to love you, wanting an intact family, wanting someone to work on the relationship...those are outside of your control, unfortunately.
But does this:
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Not spending any time here any more. My DB friends mean a lot to me and I'm hoping to get to checking on your sitches, but the whole concept of reconciliation is pretty irrelevant to my life right now.
mean, "goodbye?"
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Love the post and attitude, FM. Love that you're embracing life and DATING. You wouldn't have believed this of yourself a couple months ago (and I'm so glad you found the ADs helpful- it's wonderful to feel alive again, isn't it?). Proud of you for moving forward and upward and it's been a privilege to "know" you throughout your journey. Hopefully this isn't "goodbye", but "see you on the alt" :-).
Love, Alice
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Not goodbye, just not committed to regular updates or keeping up on threads.
Well the date today was really great. We walked for three hours along the beach on a sunny gorgeous day. It was an inspiring location, and the conversation was enjoyable, with comfortable silences. I was nervous and excited, but able to stay in the moment and be present with my companion. It was flattering to see his obvious (but respectful) appreciation of me, and he mentioned wanting to follow up with a second date (dinner). He is a remarkable person who has an interesting career and a grounded and rich personal life.
Also, today the other guy invited me to a "romantic" (his words) restaurant for dinner. Due to scheduling challenges that will only be 9 days from now. But he is definitely attractive and interesting and I would like to get to know him better. He gets an enthusiastic endorsement from my friends, so that counts for a lot.
Two attractive and interesting men who want to date me?? Wow. Life is being really good to me right now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Originally Posted By: flowmom exactly one month ago
Reality set in today and I realized that I can't afford to get involved with a man. I think I would be OK emotionally, but realistically it would be a bad choice to draw my focus away from my responsibilities as a parent:
* figuring how how to help S with his special needs * figuring out what D needs right now * figuring out how to keep the children's home * figuring out how to support myself financially
I also need to get this divorce crap over with first. It's going to be more work and not exactly pleasant. I hope that we can get the legal separation sorted out as soon as possible.
Summer is here and I want to fully enjoy it, including fun and flirtation. But it's time to be a grownup. Male "companionship and more" is going on the back burner.
I'm really feeling "out at sea" lately...drifting somewhere between an old life and a new life. Things don't fit properly, not just my old clothes.
Your ship sure has changed course real quick. Are you sure your compass has the correct heading?
These good guys you have now started dating are a huge distraction and an emotional bandaid. You may tell yourself that you want a friends with benefits, but one side will always want more. There is a good chance someone will get hurt.
However, to be fair, I do know some ladies from here that have done the same and are still in a rebound relationship. So it can work.
Be careful with your heart right now. It can cause procrastination on more important things you need done in your life right now.
FYI... I got into a relationship before my D was final. My XW then had an awakening and wanted another chance to which I said no. Then 6 months later I relized that I could not be in a long term relationship with my girlfriend and I had to break her heart. That breaking of someones dreams is something I never want to do again.
Your ship sure has changed course real quick. Are you sure your compass has the correct heading?
You make a very good point Kerry. My compass bearing still does need adjustment. I have made progress on some parenting issues, have more info about how to keep our home, and babysteps towards improving earning. But it's not where it needs to be.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
These good guys you have now started dating are a huge distraction and an emotional bandaid. You may tell yourself that you want a friends with benefits, but one side will always want more. There is a good chance someone will get hurt.
Distraction yes. Emotional bandaid? I'm going to give myself credit for having done a LOT of emotional work and for having found healthy ways of getting emotional support from friends/family/DB. Yes, someone could get hurt...isn't that always the way with dating? Like me both of these men are single, separated parents with full lives. Opening the door to a relationship of any kind is taking a risk...and I'm sure that they are just as clear about that as I am.
All I know is that I am ready for some carpe diem. Being open and curious and engaging with men is a good 180 for me.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Be careful with your heart right now. It can cause procrastination on more important things you need done in your life right now.
Thank you for that caution. You're right that I need to focus on the priorities in my life. I'm making progress, but not where I want to be with that.
FWIW, my closest allies feel that I'm emotionally ready to date. They are smart and know me well, so that reassures me that my choice is not totally foolish.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I remember not so long ago when you were struggling so much and to hear you sound so emotionally strong and embracing life is so inspiring. It gives me hope!
One thing I noticed through reading your threads is that you seem to be a very self aware woman and you have a lot of strong support in your life.
Looking forward to hearing what life brings you next ...
Just wanting to offer my support to you for dating. As long as both parties are informed about where the other is in life, "all's fair in love and war."
And so many times, dating lasts a few dates and doesn't turn into something serious!
Flowmom, I have zero doubt that you can handle it and I also have zero doubt that you won't be open with your suitors.
Also...so what if your H wants you back while you are seeing someone? Like I realized, if he wants you back, he would need to be willing to wait and do the work that would take a long time....so enjoy yourself. And maybe you wouldn't want him back anyway!
Last edited by newmama; 08/14/1003:45 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
