Just make sure he lays out the strategy clearly before signing anything over! Ask him what his plan is exactly and how successful has he been in executing it in the past. Goodluck!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Good idea, Romeo. I am taking all these notes down!
He practices only divorce and has been doing it for 31 years now. When he calls back I will be sure to ask him for his "clear plan" and success rates at it.
Sigh.......
My family is planning a huge adventure to a theme park tomorrow. I plan on going. Hopefully I survive the roller coasters. LOL.
Sol - you seem like an incredibly kind person with a very gentle nature and I doubt even a divorce can change that.
Make no mistake about it though, this is a divorce and the legal side of things must be handled without a thought to your H's well being in mind.
You would not hire an architect to build you a house if he didn't have a blueprint, right? Your attny works for you and should need very little prompting to show you exactly what he can do (and has done) to ensure you the best financial future as possible.
I know you know your H best but based on what you have shared I think you are dealing with a man that has learned how to manipulate your gentle nature. I read up on "divorce by bed and board" and essentially it comes down to your H saying this:
Gee, I don't want to sleep with you or have any intimate connection with you and I certainly don't want to live with you or have any financial ties with you BUT just in case I need you again for immigration purposes lets "kinda" get divorced.
It is evident based on the filing alone your H has created a very romantic notion of how easy divorce *should* be and then took that insane thought a step further and actually attempted to structure a divorce that ensured him "safety" if need be.
When somebody sues you, like your H did to you and my H did to me, all bets are off. You do not converse, reason or attempt to appease somebody who is suing you. Period. If he gets mad, upset, nasty or anything else that you even find remotely unacceptable tell him to whine to somebody who cares... maybe he can call the "lady" from the club he slept with.
Before you do ANYTHING with your attny he should be able to tell you his strategy, the time frame in which it will be executed and the alternate plan of action. Go down to the courthouse and search public records using your attny as "counsel of record" and see for yourself what sort of history he has ESPECIALLY if a green card is involved.
All great points, CG. I will definitely take them into account.
And you are right... the Divorce by Bed & Board is bullsh-t!! Grrrr. Yeah I don't want to be jaded by all this but it's time to get my gameface on and take no prisoners. Hahaha!
It's been 8 days since my last awful convo with stbx. You know, it's crazy and hindsight doesn't matter but I wonder if the "chick from the club" was actually someone he'd been seeing for awhile. I remember how he didn't show up for my birthday downtown, saying he couldn't find the place but later it turns out he was clubbing with his "boys" downtown. Maybe "boys" was a code word for "chick at the club." I will never know I guess. And I shouldn't think about it either.
STBX invites me over last night. Upon entering the house, I notice he has bought new furniture. We have wine and chat. He tells me I will receive something from his L in the mail, that he told his L to proceed w/ the D. I told him it really sucks that I have to find an L, pay $, all because he wants a D. He said "We'll figure it out." What does that mean? He kept saying "our D" and I was like, "Hello, it's YOUR D, this isn't my choice and obviously I can't fight you on it." Sigh. He said after the D maybe we can work on "us" and not have the responsbility of being married, that way in the future, if things go south, we won't have to deal with all the legalities of paperwork, etc. He mentioned several times how we can work on us after the D. That is such a catch-22, IMO. He says he loves me, cares for me, that for him I'm the most beautiful, funniest, all those adjectives that are just words now... I stayed the night. Didn't sleep all the way through of course, how can I with all this on my mind? He's moved on.
So I am thinking... He loves me but not enough to be M'ed to me.
That is f-cked.
I cried all day yesterday, the pain in my chest so heavy. I did have a nice weekend and did go to the theme park, tears coming out of my eyes on the roller coasters. Gosh, that is SO lame.
"Make no mistake about it though, this is a divorce and the legal side of things must be handled without a thought to your H's well being in mind." - CityGirl
Keep that in mind! He may be giving you false hope so that you will go along with him, and be easy on him, in the divorce. Don't do it!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I know you have feelings for this man guy and that is very understandable. However like most WAS's he's just another manipulative pr!ck. He's using your feelings and this emotional bullsh!t talk to control you. He has his plans all laid out and he's checking things off as he goes. It's horrible that they do this crap.
You don't need someone like him in your life. Even if I'm to believe all the BS he's telling you (which I don't for a sec) are you telling me that someone like him could be trusted that he's divorcing you so you can be a happy couple together? I don't think even Hollywood could come up with this brilliant plot: "I love you darling, let's get a divorce!" WHAT???
I wouldn't discuss ANYTHING with him, keep your cards close to your chest. Please meet with your L to come up with a strategy and let him handle this matter *legally* not emotionally. Decline his invitations, get your own life. He's no longer entitled to see your emotions or hear how you feel about anything- you're a brick wall from now on. He will be upset because he's controlling and you're taking the control back from him but in time he'll come to respect and understand the boundaries you'll set up...starting now.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I know you want to believe your H, I understand that more than you can know. I heard all the same stuff. My H told me that he need a divorce in order to feel "safe" working on things (IOW I need a divorce so I can screw OW without feeling quite as guilty as I do now and if I am ever bored enough I will give you a call). My H also acted like this was a "we" decision.
My H is perhaps one of the finest BS artists our generation has ever seen. If it wasn't so hurtful and directed at me I would almost have to be impressed with what he is capable of conjuring up.
In COURT my H made a statement that went on the oral record that said he wanted to get a legal separation, keep me HIS WIFE a secret and "see how things go" with us and if they start to go "ok then he might tell his GF. Right. Sign me up for that plan you a-hole! My attny said in his 30 years of practice he had never heard a statement like that in COURT!
It gets better though. The NIGHT before our stuff was finalized he came over here and in a rather impressive performance (that I fell for) he told me he loved me, this wasn't our grand finale, he would do ANYTHING to earn my trust and respect back and this is not how he wanted "us" to end. He said he knew it would be so much hard work but he wanted to try. This was in early Nov. You want to know when I heard from him again? On Thanksgiving night when he texted me VERY angry that I had not wished him a happy Thanksgiving and how dare I hurt his feelings like that.
You want to know when I heard from him after that? When he texted me 11 times over the course of an hour to tell me he was moving in with his mistress and he was happier than he ever was.
My H tried just about everything so this legal separation would go more "his way". He tried the pathetic route, the BS route, the "this is so hard" route and perhaps the most cruel was the "tear up CityGirl route". My H asked me to meet him at a restaurant (like a fool I did) and in the middle of a crowded restaurant he literally picked me apart from top to bottom and inside and out and told me in EVERY single way how much better the OW was than me... she is younger, prettier, smarter... you name it, he said it. It was so traumatizing to me that it really is only in recent months I have started to really work on that night in my own mind.
People don't get divorces to work on their R. They get divorces so their finances are no longer an issue, so they can feel like they are the "good guy" and so they can bed whomever strikes their fancy without *feeling* like a cheat.
It's time to hand all of this over to your attny. Actions speak much louder than words.
