BUT... that's probably the conversation we need to have: how does he feel about her going. That may lead to the real reason he's not going. I can even tell him that he is guilty of the 4 horseman: STONEWALLING!
well, exactly! That's been his attitude for over 3 months now - part of the MLC or whatever. He's willing to step over that a little and say, go to the movies or dinner with the family - but anything out of his comfort zone of willingness and he can't go beyond it.
SO: do I try to get D to discuss it with him first or do I just do it? D would have a hard time but may be able to write a letter to him. No, I know that's not preferred, but that's the only way she feels safe in talking with him and can bring herself to do it, she says.
Just to add: I can actually relate somewhat. When I was in deep depression, that's all I could bring myself to do: what was necessary and not much more...whether around the house or whatever. SO, I do have some patience for that even though I know from experience how unhealthy it is! Of course, for me it was chemical. For him, it's a choice. Well, or lack of choice: lack of choosing to commit to the success of the M and family.
If she wants to write him a letter saying she really wishes he would be there and that it would mean a lot to him that would likley help... You don't want to be the hosuehold nag here and your H is putting you in that role...
Yeah, I know and I've gone all my adult life NOT being a nag because that's all my mother ever did and does: nag, nag, nag - everyone, everywhere, all the time! It's miserable.
Just don't let your H steer you into roles he will perceive negatively later on... which is what he does... He leaves you do to something and then when you do it he blames you for it lol
I know! And stupid me...I fall right into that trap and go with it.
I talked with D and she is going to talk or text or email H about it. She DOES want him to go. I explained the importance of her telling him vs me for several reasons. 1. It'll be better coming from her and takes me out of the middle. 2. She needs to learn to express her feelings anyway - because that's healthy for her.
She said she would probably text or email him since he's at work and will probably need to let the office know today - rather than waiting to talk to him when he gets home. It's hard to have a phone conversation with H when he's at work, but I told her that would be best if she could manage it.
Yes, this will also help the family as a whole with his waywardness... your kids have alot more influence over him than they give themselves credit for... And inviting him to be involved in things makes a big difference...
The last thing you want them doing is shutting him out when he's wrestling for a reason to stay with the marriage
Well, she tried. She told him she wanted him to go and he told her he wanted to go, but didn't think he could miss work. That's such bs: he could work 10 hour days Tues - Friday and miss on Monday but he just won't do it. Makes me mad. The 3 of us did go to the movies together tonight. He got her a plant for her apt. He did tell her maybe he'd come up another weekend soon, but I still can't believe he isn't going.
It's going to be so emotional for me! I'm sure going to miss her. Would be nice if I had some emotional support through that, but of course I won't from him. She and I are very close.
But yes - the kids have more affect on him that I do right now!
