Yes, you are right: H already knows I'm a psych major and have that all in place, no need to hit him with it. Plus, he doesn't really care right now what I feel/don't feel so no use explaining it. Definitely a case of actions speak louder than words! I will make desktop pc a priority!
As for the kids talking about their feelings, you are absolutely right. That seems to be the common thread in our family that needs to be fixed: we're all too concerned about being nice/avoiding conflict so no one says what's really on their minds. I learned this at our weekend retreat too. It still encompasses anger, just inward rather than outward and is still unhealthy, actually - more so! I've got to do a better job of modeling a new behavior here and discussing it with the kids as well.
Until recently I always felt our home a very safe place to talk about things. I have tons of conversations with the kids about things that most parents don't broach and they've always been very open. BUT... we do have this atmostphere of "niceness". Where some families holler and get things out, like it or not, we're all more likely to keep the peace. I like that we have always been respectful and considerate of one another (within the family) yet I know true feelings need to come out as well, even if they are conflicting.
Yes. Maybe in the past they would've felt safe talking to him but certainly not right now because they all think he is being stubborn and irrational.
I responded to an email he sent me earlier about the weekend. I mentioned that I was hoping he would reconsider going to college town - that I felt D really wanted him to go and he should think about it - and that he would definitely be useful. I didn't ask for a decision, just mentioned it. He did not reply (of course).
Last night was OK. I ran boys around and H came home and we ate dinner and had our 30 minute nightly stress-free conversation about our days. I'd had a good day at school and with my neighbor so it was nice to be able to share that. I talked to H once again about the college trip and he is still not budging. I just don't get why he won't go. I mean, for me, if there was an INKLING that my child wanted me there, no matter how practical or not practical, I would be there! That's just not H, at least not right now. The thing is, if it were just about work, he can make up those hours the rest of the week.
I don't know. Part of me thinks there has to be some undercurrent here of why he doesn't want to go: he's resentful, maybe, of the money spent on her when "he's so unhappy" or he doesn't want to be a part of the family thing perhaps? Both boys are going and wouldn't miss it for the world! They want to see their sister's new apt and where she'll be, etc... I hate to mindread, but maybe he's trying to separate himself already because he is planning on leaving as soon as he can financially do so.
So, here is the question of the morning: Do I have a conversation with him about all of the above or do I leave him alone about the whole matter? My instincts say just leave it alone, but that may be part of my conflict-avoider self. The main reason I would gravitate towards having a conversation about it is because of my D and not wanting her to feel crappy about her father not being part of this occasion! From a personal perspective, I don't really care if he comes or not. In fact, if he's going to come and be a grouch, better not to come! (D did recently reveal to me that she too felt cheated out of a "normal" graduation experience. She knew her dad was acting weird and it was just all strange and not right....)
I know that I have the ability to push H away further if I try to force going on him. I also know that maybe it's better if D tries to persuade him to go but I just don't know that she will. I'm tempted to remind him of something he said months ago. A coworker of his died unexpectedly (at 28) in a car crash and he talked then about how precious life is and how you can't take people and moments for granted... That he'd turned down lunch the last day he saw him with this guy because he was "too busy" and that he'd never be too busy again...
WOuld it be a mistake to remind him of this???
I just need some help with my thought process this morning I guess! lol
I did ask him but he still seemed to think it's not necessary. I assume you mean just ask him to go??? Or, if you mean ask him why he doesn't want to, he's already said: not necessary - not enough to get done - claims D says it's ok if he doesn't go - missing work, etc...
H is so disconnected and detached, I don't think it's because he can't say goodbye. In his mind, it's just not that big a deal. He thinks she'll be home in a week or two anyway and there will be plenty of opportunities for him to see her place, etc...
Remember - H is the one who doesn't even talk with his family these days much. He has no connectedness "gene"... I wish it were that it's harder on him than I think but I honestly do not believe that's it. At least that would show he has some emotion!
OH, I gotcha. I thought you meant just ask him to go or just ask him why he doesn't want to go.
I DID try to get that point across - that it's not just a technical "need to go" thing, but fatherly... he still didn't seem to get it. Didn't budge on it.
