Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Mrs.A,
Not sure, I understand you

Gardener, ANYWAY, seems like this email with X is perfect for that exercise. I mean maybe (and I'm being totally earnest now) you've internalized this behavior so well that you can simply act and not go through the exercise. BUT, if you're comfortable sharing and it would benefit you at all to do the exercise, please do it here so that we can all gain from your insights!Mrs. A

The email was a boiler plate boundary:

When you A, I feel B.
If you continue to A, I will C.

While i wait for your reply, I'll look up the Solutions-Focused-Journal and refresh my memory.

Peace,

[Mrs. A]

Gardener, boundaries are not my strong suit! (Just ask my IC!)

In lieu of trying to explain myself, let me post two possible alternative scenarios. I will exaggerate for emphasis and use myself as the example.

Scenario 1:

Mr. A calls from his car outside of the house. He leaves a VM. He says, "Hi, I'm here to pick up XYZ DVD. Since you're not answering, I'll just come and get it and then leave."

I don't answer but I immediately listen to the VM and then run outside and start doing yardwork as though I had been doing it for hours and didn't hear the phone.

Mr. A comes in and gets his DVD and leaves. I don't even come in from the backyard. I am SO mad that he invaded MY home, but I do nothing. I just think to myself that he acts so entitled!!!

This didn't really happen but if it did we (on the board) would obviously know that I could have handled the situation better. In this scenario, I end up feeling shafted while Mr. A couldn't care less!

Situation #2:

Mr. A calls from his car. He is already outside the house. I answer. He says, Hi - I was in the area and I want to pick up my XYZ DVD. I say, Oh, ok. It's right here. (And now I'm trying to create a parable...) I let him in. He starts to make small talk. I engage. I go to find his movie and he continues to make small talk. At the end, I'm handing him his movie and acting as though he's the person I most wanted to see in the whole wide world. He leaves and I go into a tailspin because I'm so upset with him and he has no idea. Because of my compromising behavior, he thinks I just love him unconditionally, no matter what he does.

Soooooo... just saying that you handled the situation with XW very well - and rationally - and that the sitch at hand COULD have disintegrated into something that would have had you questioning your own actions/reactions. But you did NOT! Gardener stood ground and it paid off. Nice.

Gardener, you set a great example!

[Gardener]

Mrs. A.,
Thank you.
In both scenarios, it sounds like you should set a similar boundary with Mr. A. that I did re: Barging in. In your own words.

Boundary setting was never my strength. I learned it here. Had a number of poor trial and error attempts in the beginning.

I think it was Coach who once netted it down to:
When you A, I feel B.
If you continue to A, then I will C.

The fewer words the better. And when you finish your boundary statement, make that the end of the discussion.

Also, can you change the locks in your state?

Peace,

[newmama]

Gardener, just catching up. Well done with stating clear boundaries with your exW. I still am shaky about this...feeling uneasy when I think of things I need to set straight with stbxh. Gee. guess that makes me co-dependent! Crap. Sorry, I know this is your thread! I wonder how many of us who want(ed) to save our marriages are "co-dependent."

Anyway, how uncanny that you were missing your exW and then she shows up and you were able to realize that you don't really want her (present day). WOW.

[Golfgirl1]

Yep, I was "co-dependent" in my marriage; won't happen again.

[Gardener]

Gg,
I hear you.
Me, too.

Peace,

[Reincarnated]

Good question - I was a FLAMING co-dependent!!!! with abandonment issues and faulty coping mechanisms (denial)....

[Mrs. A]

Hey G-
If you're on, I need some advice!!

[Gardener]

I'm here.
Here or in the .alt?

[Gardener]

Short journaling.
1) Yoga tonight: Aahhhhh!!!!
2) Flowmom mentioned tonight's Perseid Meteor Shower in the.alt today. I watch them every year and I had forgotten! Unfortunately, it is heavily cloudy and overcast tonight. Too bad, since it's a New Moon and the Earth is going to pass through a particularly dense section of it this year.

And then I thought that nineteen years ago tonight, after a couple of months of dating X, I got to meet to-be StepD and StepS. We all went in my car to a field to watch the Perseids.

Another "anniversary date" that brought me joy and fond memories instead of feelings of loss and pain. Progress.

Aside from X in my life and as my wife, I've always said that StepD and StepS were unexpected mid-life blessings. And they were. I will always cherish my years with them and coming into their lives in time to watch their teenage years (they were 13 and 15 then) and help "launch them" and watch the wonderful, charming, passionate adults they've become.

Peace,