The truth is no matter what I say it's not going to change a damn thing.
Do you think though, that it might help you to hear yourself, in your own voice, speak up for you and assert yourself with these kinds of responses? It might not change her, but it does wonders for the self esteem!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Ya,, I have done that in the past and I will hit her with some zingers in the future.
Although I find that I initially feel great when I snap back at her that I later feel not so great being nasty. Trust me I used to be nasty all the time. There is just no need anymore to be nasty. Karma has a way of finding a way to nasty people. My ex will get her's in due time
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Oh! Sorry no WP... I certainly didn't mean to say to be nasty... I agree and nasty never helps the self-esteem. Just concerned for you, and hoping you weren't letting her say things to you that made you feel badly, without speaking up and letting her know she hurt you. Take care!
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 07/22/1001:22 AM. Reason: grammar
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Well, the truth is these walk aways say many things that are hurtful but they have no idea. They connivence themselves that just because they have no more feelings that for sure their exs will have no feeling as well.
I am just trying to keep my distance for it all and focus on my kidlets.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
After lurking in Infidelity a bit I had to come back over here and give you a few things to think about (they use those truth darts to GET THROUGH to their affair addicted S's--affairs being very much like on drugs!)
They are always stated rationally and calmly and with a bit of regret. Get yourself to the place that you can do this without being at all nasty. The work to get yourself in that place must be done first.
They are texted more than spoken. That gives the S something to think about and NOT argue with. Any argument by the WAS is rationalization and negates what you said. They WILL try to negate and argue--it's the nature of the beast to difuse a hurt that stings.
They must be stated over and over. Your W is very much like the affair partner--she is in huge denial. You need to arm yourself with statistics about what she is doing. Start to educate yourself on the harmful effects of D on children's future lives.
There are guys around here that need the 180 of being more involved as parents, kinder, more helpful, etc. This is not you.
You are on MY end of the spectrum. You need to be MORE assertive, MORE proactive, MORE able to stand up for truth and what is right. Most people like us are terrified of a D that we just sit passively and let the WAS walk all over us. But you have already D'd!! There is nothing to fear now! What you have feared has already happened!!
Look, I am where you are, except I am not going down without a fight. I have armed myself with some very good books--Boundaries in Marriage is AWESOME. Shows you how in the marriage there is the proactive S and the passive S and how we get into these messes is by NOT putting up boundaries 1.with ourselves (!!--yes! We have to have boundaries FIRST) and 2. with the S.
I would suggest for you "No More Mr. Nice Guy" that they advocate over in Infedelity as well.
I encourage you to do what you can--you need to stop throwing your hands in the air and saying "there's nothing I can do". YES THERE IS!! Get yourself educated! I may end up D too, but not without an education on WHAT I did, and how this is PREVENTABLE, and how even when D'd I can STILL get to my H.
Yes--you will always, always, always be able to get to your W. Knowledge is power WP, and you have the ability to get yourself educated here.
Get those 2 books!! And go over to the Infidelity boards and see how they get to the S that is in lala land.
Wellllll, I am sorry to hear that, but good luck on the winning back. Make sure you do what MWD suggests.
Sorry I did not respond to your last posting.
Yes, I am VERY aware of all the statistics and effects of divorce. In fact I am a Social Analyst and Forecaster by career. In other words my job is to know everything that is going on in society. Most of us LBS end up educating ourselves to all the statistics etc. of divorce. We are armed with so much information that we can "almost" predict what is going to happen to all of us. The problem is, is that we are the only ones seeking this information. The WAS never bothers to look at the information. They are all about "gut feelings" and are just looking for a happy release. Years later "some WAS" start to look around a bit as they realize there are additional problems that they did not expect. That is when "some WAS" return. Pretty much the majority of WAS that return are men. Very, very rarely do women ever return if they are the ones that walked away.
Trust me I have read every single book that various people on this board have suggested. The No More Mr Nice Guy is a valuable book as well as Hold Onto Your Nuts.
I just want to clarify something.....as you probably can tell from my posts I am a pretty caring guy, deeply involved with his kids.........That was my 180 !!!! I was NOT like that while I was married. I was arrogant, opinionated, negative, and not an involved father. So you see...the No More Mr Nice Guy book is not exactly what I need.
My kids have been away for 2 weeks with their mom. Every few days they video Skype me which has made it bearable. I am so lucky that my kids keep in contact with me. When they are with me they never ever asked to contact their mother.
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend. She is my age and has lung cancer and cancer throughout her body. We had a great, fun lunch together. We told travel stories etc. When I left her I had tears steaming down my face. This time next year she will probably be not with us anymore. It's in those moments that all I want to do is be with my family and hug them so tightly. You see we all change as we get a bit older. The simple, most pure things are what matters.
As much as I try to influence my ex we all know that people only change when they have to. Usually it takes a major life catastrophe for someone to truly look deeply into who they are and what really matters in life.
So yes, I have days of bitterness and I have days of love towards my ex. If I could be a perfect person I would forgive and just be loving to everyone I can. At least that is what the Dalai Lama is all about. Unfortunately I am not there and am still triggered easily into feelings of anger.
Behind anger is hurt. Behind hurt is love.
Ahhhhh...I am so "flaky" now but it's who I want to be. It's more honest.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I was NOT like that while I was married. I was arrogant, opinionated, negative, and not an involved father. So you see...the No More Mr Nice Guy book is not exactly what I need.
I just didn't picture this at all from your posts. You have done a wonderful 180 on that. I know you wouldn't change that just to get your W back.
Well, for the most part I was critical and not so appreciative. I also was not compassionate.
Just to be clear though...I am divorced primarily because my wife lacked commitment to our marriage. Her whole life she has just done what she wanted and had a family that would pay for it. Yes, I made mistakes, but who doesn't but there is no reason why we are divorced.
We have since gone out as a family again. We had fun but I see no love in her eyes for me. I think if you asked my ex why we are divorced she would say we wanted different lifestyles.
Last edited by whitneypinch; 08/12/1006:51 PM.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
