I dont want to be a pain in the keester, but you are setting yourself up for some conflict with him doing this...
YOU become the bearer of his bad news... is that a setup you want in the home?
He has issues about finances and you are setup to be the one who now tells him when bad things happen.. He WILL associate you with bad news... He already HAS hasn't he?
Why do you have TWO budget sheets running for the same home?
Why not one that you both update regularly? That way its the SHEET thats the bad news not you.
If he wants to find out what was spent that month he goes to the PC and looks to find out... He doens't wait for an email from you.... big difference...
YOu want to DISTANCE yourself from the negatives .. and finances is a huge one for him isnt' it?
In my home I have a workssheet in excel that I use.. i put it on the server and my wife can look at it anytime she wants. She can add to it or make changes if she likes to... but when she looks at it, I am not there.. its just her and the workseheet.. its not me bringing her the sheet for review...
See the diff? It may be subtle, but psychologicaly it can have a huge impact.
She also maintaines a spreadsheet of maintenance tasks that need done for the hosuehold
a. New windows b. New roof c. Paint fence
etc
I don't associate her with the work since its on the sheet... I don't like the sheet, but I use it... but it has nothing to do with her.. she just helps fill it in
see?
I would use ONE sheet that you BOTH update and both look at equally
Ooohhh...I didn't even think about it in such a way but you are SO right. Ugh. NOW I see that!
But...no, right now we do not have a desktop computer. It got a nasty virus and is unusable and each of us has a laptop, so, not a lot of need to get it fixed.
Well, I can't undo the psychological damage today of being the bearer of bad news, but perhaps I can work on a different solution for the future.
Guess what? My class (Human Growth and Development) is now in the adult stages and has tons of stuff in it about how terrible divorce is for people even when they're the ones who initiate... HMMMM....
Of course, we KNOW this...but here it is, right in a college textbook!
OMG... I just learned that H is not planning on going with us to college town to move D in. Am I crazy? I can't believe he isn't going. He states, "It's a furnished apt. Not much to move." Ummm....doesn't he want to see where his 18 year old D is going to be living and going to school? Doesn't he want to be a part of this experience? I mean, come on...this is a rite of passage. He doesn't want to miss a day of work Monday to go? Granted, he doesn't get paid when he doesn't work (he contracts) but he can make the hours up. Oh, and he sure didn't mind missing 3 days to go to Vegas!
I'm dumbfounded. This has nothing to do with the M, I just can't believe he is so detached that he sees it as no big deal that he isn't going. This makes me so sad. It's just like her graduation a few months back: in my mind, I picture a husband and wife sharing this bond - these sentiments of pride and a little melancholy - sitting together, holding hands, with their kid graduating and moving on in life. Here my H was, looking like he was ready to leave most of the time. Now he can't see the importance of taking her to school and moving her???
I don't know what to say. Part of me thinks, "Oh well - his loss," yet the other part of me thinks I should try to convince him to go. I don't know why he has to be such an A$$! Then, of course, I ask myself why I want to be married to someone like this! (Well, for my kids sake...of course.)
SIGH
Oh - he didn't seem moody about the money stuff at all, so that was OK. Thank the Lord for small favors there!
How about you try to help him understand that his DAUGHTER would like him there?
Stop trying to make him feel something...
My guess is he feels
a. Sad she's leaving b. Responsability because he has to pay for it c. Frustrated in general
He likely is going to work to help him process... a LOT of men including myself WORK when we have feelings to wrestle with... we don't want to share them or talk about them lol
And I would'nt even tell him why you aren't emailing him input anymore...
Just share your laptop with him and let him enter his own info there... you both have access to your laptop, you have no access to his work pc.. it makes no sense to enter information on a laptop only he has access to... does it?
Just tell him you will put the info on your laptop and if he wants it he can get it.. unless you have an issue with sharing laptops with him?
YOu don't want to give him too much analysis when you work with him.. Just do it and leave the rest for him to figure out...
If you tell him you don't want to be mrs bad news he's just going to come up with something negative about that... so don't bother lol
OK, good point about the bad news and financial info exchange.
My only issue with sharing my laptop is all the articles and so forth I have on divorce busting and saving my marriage. Certainly nothing to hide, but it's not something he should be privvy to either right now.
However, there is the option of just signing on as a guest.
As for D, he claims he already talked to her about it and she's OK with him not going. Well, that's because she's not going to sit there and say, "NO! You need to be there," when he's just told her he's not planning on it. She's not that type. She shouldn't have to ask her father to come along. She's the, "It's OK.." even when it isn't type. (Yeah - she needs to get over that!)
Well, the other possibility is that she also feels he's being a jack-donkey of late and just figures, "Fine! Don't come!" LOL
I don't know. I just feel bad for her! It's actually easier for me if he doesn't come - don't have to put up with his moods. BUT... for her, that's just really sad. I suppose I can try to talk to him again about it. I don't know.
You need to talk to her and your eldest son so they learn to share their feelings with their father... The LAST thing you want them doing while he's wayward is shutting him out...
He needs to HEAR his children right now... Them tuning him out is not helpful to your strategy I don't think...
I know they are frustrated, but telling him "it's ok" when she would enjoy him being there is enabling him instead... complicated stuff I know...
I would steer him away from the laptop then... try to get the household pc fixed.
Since finances are such a tense subject for him you really want the ledger used by everyone... if S16 picks up some groceries, ask him to enter info etc...
Get that household PC fixed if you can... just format the hard disk and install the OS fresh
I was thinking about that you wanted to explain to your H about the psychological association you want to avoid...
I don't think he wants you explaining the psychology to him.. it will make him feel like a lab experiment... Its probably just best to tell him what you want to do and do it... no explanation, at least at the behavioural science level lol
