Almost a year after returning and almost 5 years after my first time here....and something small finally made me realize it's to give in, try to move on and set my wife free.
The water heater at my house is broken and won't be fixed for a few days since it's a long weekend here in Ontario. Yesterday, I called my stbx and asked if the kids and I could come to her apartment to shower today. She was cold, and very reluctant and when I asked if it would be awkward she said "yes". A month ago, she and I were in Mexico together, and now it's awkward for me to use her shower??
For some reason, that was the final thing for me. I suddenly realized just how far she has moved on. It's time for me stop trying to make a life with the one woman in the world, who wants a life with me so little, she was willing to walk out on her kids and her home.
This is still not what I want my life to be, and I admit it. But, I am finally ready to work at letting her go.
I will still smile and be polite etc at my daughter's birthday dinner tonight. Stbx is no longer coming over to help me watch D and her friends.
I am sad today, but at least I have finally given in.
I just read my old post when I announced the divorce was over and I said I would stick around to helps others out. I didn't. If I did, I probably would not be typing this message now.
You wrote this last year, BTM. I am one of those who supposedly busted my divorce, and then continued on this board. Continuing to contribute here didn't helped my M. What would've help is if both of us were committed to building it up. My H wasn't, and so I have finally asked him for a S, to be followed by a D eventually.
You say your D was busted, but if your W was truly committed, she would not have left after a silly argument. She would've stayed. So, to me, it says a lot about what she has been thinking these last 5 years .... one more step out of line, and she was outta there. But, to just leave the kids, sounds utterly over the top. It must've been one doozy of an argument, but I don't believe it was just that. Something else has been brewing.
Try not to think about it as "giving in" or "she wins" ... yes, you may still love her, but that will end eventually and the lack of her company will become the norm. Think of this as an exciting new life, filled with endless possibilities. I finally, after 5 years of doing everything I could to save our M, realised that I no longer love my H. I have no hard feelings, just not into him anymore. He has rejected me so many times on so many levels, that I have finally been pushed over the edge where I doubt I will ever recover any semblance of romantic/marital love. I care about him, like him as a social partner, and we will always be attached as co-parents and grandparents. That's all. And, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders ... I feel free for the first time in years. Try and get to this way of thinking.
Now that you have "given in" ... perhaps you and the kids can start really living.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Last weekend was ok. WAW did let kids and I shower at her apartment since our water heater was broken. We had dinner for D 19th birthday at the restaraunt WAW manages and then we all went to the horse track the next day. I bought D her first legal beer.
I texted and called WAW on Friday morning just to check in. Conversation was very brief and she was less than warm. She is not coming over today as she used to on Sundays to make family dinner. D said it's partly due to the fact that I told her I needed some time apart after the vacation went so poorly.
I called WAW this morning and said "I know you have plans for today, but I am ok with you coming over on Sundays from here on, since I don't want you to never see S (daughter works for WAW), don't want the kids to not have their one really good home cooked meal, and you and I should see each other sometimes leading up to Xmas". Yes.....we still plan on doing the "family" vacation as we did last year and every other year.
I am doing better at moving on and letting go, but am trying to keep the lines of communication open as well. I still suck at GAL, but am slowly getting there. Daily life isn't bad at all and I have decided 100% to stay with current agreement of me staying in house with kids, WAW paying for groceries etc and then selling house and proceeding with divorce in 2 years when S is done high school, mortgage is due for renewal. We still do not have lawyers involved or a separation agreement of any kind. It works for me and I'm probably getting a better deal now than if we did have lawyers involved. And....admittedly....as long as papers are not signed, there is tiny glimmer of hope.
I am not living just for that hope now, but I remain open to some day living life happily with my WAW. But...right now I am learning to and focusing on being happy with my life as it is.
Still working on enjoying life without my WAW, but.....
Last night I decided it was time to do something different. Prior to our last vacation, when things seemed to be getting better, I would stop by WAW's apartment for tea on my way home from work. So..last night I texted "tea?". Her response was "sorry, not home". We exchanged a couple of texts, but I managed to resist the urge to text again when she did not respond to my last one. I also managed to not say that I had heard "our song" earlier in the day and that it made me miss her.
I have really been missing her the last few days, but have done everything I can not to show that to my kids or tell her.
I am really hoping she decides to start coming to my house again on Sundays to make dinner etc. I have told her that she is welcome to come again, but will make sure I don't do anymore than that. I have to let her do it on her own and be comfortable.
Tonight, I am going back to the counselor I was seeing last year. I am hoping that will help me to clear my mind and make sense of some things.
...right now I am learning to and focusing on being happy with my life as it is.
This is a good plan. Stick to that. Keep doing things that are fun. Do you go to the gym? Anything, that gets you out of the house (other than work) and doing something active. A new hobby is a good thing ... it'll keep your mind off things.
Quote:
Last night I decided it was time to do something different. Prior to our last vacation, when things seemed to be getting better, I would stop by WAW's apartment for tea on my way home from work.
Don't contact her unless it's for finances or about the children. The above could be construed as a pursuing action. Unfortunately, social contact has been broken, so you're going to have to wait for her to try and reconnect. You have to work on you, and seeing the counselor is a step in the right direction.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Don't contact her unless it's for finances or about the children. The above could be construed as a pursuing action. Unfortunately, social contact has been broken, so you're going to have to wait for her to try and reconnect. You have to work on you, and seeing the counselor is a step in the right direction.
Don't contact her unless it's for finances or about the children. The above could be construed as a pursuing action. Unfortunately, social contact has been broken, so you're going to have to wait for her to try and reconnect. You have to work on you, and seeing the counselor is a step in the right direction.
Ditto and AMEN!
Puppy
My thinking on contacting her was this: someone has to make the first move in re-opening contact with each other. Something non demanding as simply having tea together should do the trick without seeming like persuing.
Since she did initiate a hug after D's birthday dinner last week, and then also called me to see if I still wanted her to come over (I missed the call) I don't think she's entirely against the thought of seeing each other.
And...I'm trying to find the fine line of allowing her to feel like I am interested in HER. I know a lot of us with WAS who felt they never got enough attention and car are in this predicament.
If I offer and then don't make a big deal out of her not being available, I don't think it does any harm.
Her decision whether to spend part of this coming Sunday here at the house with the kids and I will certainly give me some idea of her current thinking.
I forgot to mention here that we did talk one day about the vacation being so bad for us. She did say that prior to that she thought things were getting better between us, but then she realized I really hadn't changed as much as she had hoped.
It's still pursuing her. She's the one who's left, wanted out. She's the one who needs to make overtures to you. She knows how you feel. She's sees your changes when you're around your kids.
Last night I decided it was time to do something different. Prior to our last vacation, when things seemed to be getting better, I would stop by WAW's apartment for tea on my way home from work. So..last night I texted "tea?". Her response was "sorry, not home". We exchanged a couple of texts, but I managed to resist the urge to text again when she did not respond to my last one. I also managed to not say that I had heard "our song" earlier in the day and that it made me miss her.
I have really been missing her the last few days, but have done everything I can not to show that to my kids or tell her.
I haven't been around much on the db forums but managed to find a few minutes today, preparing for some travelling, a work trip I have scheduled for next week, busy, busy, busy, no rest for the wicked as they say ;-)
BTM, saw your post bro and I just shook my head, you just don't get it.
You have killed the attraction between the two of you, calling her/texting her and "changing things up" isn't going to recreate that attraction.
"Last night I decided it was time to do something different."
You seriously have yet to really try something different, you're still up to your same old schtick.
"so..last night I texted "tea?".
Pursuing, pursuing, pursuing.....
Don't you have a life after work, why do you need to stop by her place for .... tea?!
Things may have seemed to have been getting better prior to your vacation together but that was your point of view, not her point of view, in my opinion, she just went along for the ride, enjoyed the vacation time for what it was, vacation time, not necessarily time spent with you.
I get it bro, you're still head of heels in love with her.
And she knows it.
She doesn't feel that way about you.
And she can't feel that way about you until she FEELS that way about you if you get what I mean and that's only when she experiences that you've finally understood the way she feels. When you finally get how attraction works, when you stop pursuing and allow her to pursue what she's attracted to (be it you or someone else), when you finally let go and move on with your life and stop darkening her doorstep with your omniscient presence (always being there).
Leave her alone, move on with your life, you can be civil, friendly, cordial but you can stop contacting her and let her contact you. If that happens everyday or once a month, that's just how it's going to go.
She has to FEEL you let go. She has to FEEL you move on.
And she can't FEEL any of that when you are always there.
