WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[Ken62]

Well I got the official letter from the court yesterday that the D was final on 6/21/2010. XW has been gone for almost 3 weeks.

She sent me an e-mail after the first week about renewing Mobile Me for her and the kids. I sent a reply e-mail the next day asking for clarification and explaining how I thought it should go. She called my cell within 20 minutes and left a rambling voice mail and then 15 minutes later sent a text message that she had found what I was talking about and would be calling Apple. I felt good that she had sent and e-mail, called, left a VM and also texted me and I only sent one e-mail. A day after receiving the first one from her.

That Friday D20 and I headed back to my hometown to celebrate my M’s 80th birthday celebration with my 9 brothers and sisters! Updated my FB status before leaving and later that day XW commented on it. The family thought that was pretty odd. Had a great weekend though!

That Sunday was Father’s Day and I did get an e-mail from XW wishing me a Happy Father’s Day and hoping that I had fun with the family.

Went back and forth in e-mails with XW on things like insurance from her colonoscopy and her dentist visit. She also needed some files from our computer and I sent them to her. Her e-mails are very rambling and are like a brain dump with very few paragraphs. This is very unlike her and she also seems to be staying up very late based on the times of her posts to me and e-mails. Usually past midnight. When we were together she liked it when I was on business trips because then she could go to bed at 10 instead of 11 when I was around. It is really odd to see how late she stays up and her current writing style. Certainly a different person.

I had to go into the recording studio and record some Christmas carols and posted a FB status about that and she asked more about it in her e-mail. I think it is odd that she is seeing my status updates. I have blocked her so I don’t see anything that she has posted. She got a Mac Book recently and in her e-mail to me she made it sound like I should know this. I guess one of her recent FB status updates mentioned her new purchase but I never saw it.

XW went out with some mutual friends of ours before leaving town and she told them that she was possibly going to move back here with OM at the end of the summer. I really hope that it doesn’t happen. I would have no problem if she returned after leaving OM but please don’t bring OM back here and buy a house and settle down. I thought she wanted to be by her family back in the Midwest!

Not sure which area I should start posting my new thread in now that the D is final. There’s Surviving the Big D and Divorced, But Not Done. Any thoughts or suggestions?

I want to thank everyone here and especially the vets. Puppy, Sandi2, Robx, Gucci, Coach and Greek as well as many others have been a beacon of hope for me and as usual I wish that I had found you all sooner but I still think that D is what my XW needed. She needed the old M to go away and now that it has who knows what will happen. I will move forward and work on improving me and be the best Dad I can be to my three wonderful kids.

I hope XW will come out of her fog at some point but if she doesn’t, then that’s the way it is.

In hindsight, I wish that I hadn’t been so scared of XW. Fear is your enemy and I know that now. It makes you weak and pathetic and supplicating and NOT at all attractive. Appeasement does nothing but help the WA to cake eat. If you stand up for yourself and DO WHAT IS RIGHT, they may get mad and throw all kinds of spew at you but they will get over it and you will be all the better because of it. We all have to get there in our own time and in our own way but that is one area I wish I would have discovered sooner for myself.

Thanks for all of your prayers and help!

Ken

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In hindsight, I wish that I hadn’t been so scared of XW. Fear is your enemy and I know that now. It makes you weak and pathetic and supplicating and NOT at all attractive. Appeasement does nothing but help the WA to cake eat. If you stand up for yourself and DO WHAT IS RIGHT, they may get mad and throw all kinds of spew at you but they will get over it and you will be all the better because of it. We all have to get there in our own time and in our own way but that is one area I wish I would have discovered sooner for myself.

Can I get an "AMEN" from the chorus?!

You sound good, Ken. From the sound of your post, I'd suggest you should begin posting in "Divorced, but Not Done," but I could be wrong.

Take care,

Puppy, who's mom is having HER 80th today!

[Ken62]

Thanks again for everything Puppy. We seem to have quite a few things in common. Your Mom just turned 80 and I think you said your Daughters are about the same age as mine. Let's hope that we have one other thing in common in the future!

I am doing good, thanks! I probably will post in Divorced, But Not Done because right now that is the way I feel. I am GALing and leaving my XW alone to discover herself and find out what life will be like with OM. I think I read on an old thread that you said that the WAS usually trades down from what they had. That certainly seems to be the case from my perspective but she may see it differently with her "PEA brain"! Has anyone ever used that phrase before? I just thought it was interesting that PEA is the chemical that causes the "in love" feelings in their brain. I guess OM is on disability from an auto accident and can't get a job because he'll lose his benefits. At least XW now has someone to take care of now that the kids are grown. It sure seems like a lot of WAWs were SAHMs.

I know that DDay and Future are very inspirational to me right now and I hope to someday join them but only time and patience and working on myself for me will possibly get me there.

Thanks again Puppy!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That certainly seems to be the case from my perspective but she may see it differently with her "PEA brain"! Has anyone ever used that phrase before? I just thought it was interesting that PEA is the chemical that causes the "in love" feelings in their brain.

NO, they haven't, not from what I've seen, but I'M DEFINITELY STEALIN' IT!!! hahahahah!

Puppy

[Ken62]

Need some advice from Puppy, Coach, Greek, Sandi2, CityGirl or anyone with an opinion. The more the merrier.

XW and I have been sending e-mails back and forth taking care of little odds and ends regarding insurance, banking and computer files and such and I asked within one of my e-mails for a copy of the letter she wrote to me in April of 09 that started this whole thing. She had printed it out and gave it to me to read at the time and I possibly shredded it afterward so the kids wouldn't come across it. I had mentioned it to her several times over the past 14+ months but I finally put it in an e-mail.

"Could you also send me a copy of the document/letter you wrote to me last April? Hopefully you still have it on your laptop. Thanks"

And this is the reply I received:

"I did find the letter. When I reread it, I wondered why you would want it. Much happened and changed since it's writing and I wonder if it is really helpful to go back to that specific time."

This has really bothered me for some reason. Is this a boundary or a N.U.T. that I should challenge or should I just let it go?

I keep thinking what Coach says about these things being "gifts" that help us understand where our spouses are coming from. Granted, she may have already been well into her first EA when she wrote this so it may not help.

I just think that she can be curious why I want it and she can express her concern over giving it to me but I don't feel she has the right to NOT give it to me. It is a letter she wrote to me and is possibly the last substantive thing she wrote to me in the past 14+ months.

So let it go or send her a second request addressing my wishes and how should I word that?

Thanks everyone!

[Coach]

"I did find the letter. When I reread it, I wondered why you would want it. Much happened and changed since it's writing and I wonder if it is really helpful to go back to that specific time."

Two great questions.

Why do you want it? What's the point?

but I don't feel she has the right to NOT give it to me.

She already gave it to you. She could have told you she deleted it. Would you still feel entitled that she give it to you or would you let it go?



What's the ultimate goal?

[Ken62]

Two great questions Coach and I know that she is entitled to have them.

I want it because it is the official written document of her expressing the condition of our R that was causing her to seek D and it might give me clues of things that I can validate or be aware of in the future.

If she would have told me she couldn't find it then I would have let it go but the fact that she even took the time to reread it says that she was even curious about its content after 14+ months. She could have just forwarded it to me but she chose to reread it. Why?

She is deciding for me that it is not good for me to have. She is deciding that it will affect me negatively. Now that we are D does she get to decide these things for me? Isn't this my choice to make?

I guess the ultimate goal is to reread it for myself and possibly have some closure to this whole process.

Maybe I'm kidding myself.

Thanks Coach!

[CityGirl]

I think most LBS are seeking closure of some sort. I guess what I have learned is that one last e-mail, text, letter or conversation won't really provide it. You want it it and you hope it will but really, how can ONE thing provide closure?

IMO closure is not an open and shut "thing". It happens very, very slowly and one document/talk won't be the end all be all.

My 2 cents.

[Ken62]

Hey CG, It's not that I think this one thing will bring me closure but the fact that I am a very different person than I was then and I will read it very differently then I did then. I will probably try to write something to her that is brief and expresses this and then let it go.

[Ken62]

Journaling:

Well I sent an e-mal to XW explaining why I wanted the letter and sent it right before her two week vacation to the East Coast. Haven't heard anything back on it and probably wont but that is fine with me.

XW headed to Orlando to spend time with her BF and to see S24 and D19. I was surprised that she flew down and didn't bring OM along. D19 called on July 4 crying because there were some communication problems and she felt left out of things with XW and S24. I couldn't really do anything for her and felt awful and just let her vent and cry.

XW had asked D20 if she wanted to fly down and meet her but D20 had NO desire to go there and see XW. Instead D20 went to visit possible future in-laws in Utah and wanted to make sure that XW, S24 and D19 didn't find out.

July 9 - Heard from my lawyer on the auto accident lawsuit. It had been settled for $72,500 and that I was now done with the court system on my two remaining things. It was nice to hear that this was finally over.

XW stayed in Orlando a little longer than she was supposed to and that drove D19 up a wall. D19 just wanted her to leave and it reminded me of when XW left here and took a few more days to finally leave.

Finally opened a show that I am in this past weekend up in the mountains. Went to go see C for IC on Saturday after about 6 weeks off. Have been feeling melancholy lately and I'm not sure why.

Dumpster was delivered to the house and they have started gutting my master bathroom. It will be good to change some things in the house.

S24 called and said that he is finally going full time at Disney World on Aug. 1. That also is the date that XW is no longer covered on my insurance and that I am covering the girls and myself only.

Haven't heard anything from XW since the end of June I think. She did read the e-mails I have sent but has not responded which is fine.

Not sure if I'll start posting to the other forum or just keep updating this one here. Not a lot of traffic in the other forums.

In rehearsals for another show now that the first show is up and running.

That's about it!