ok...I am up to date on your sitch! I am so happy for you and I can relate to your feelings as many here can. You are REALLY inspirational. What a good person and daddy you are! I can't help but think that you are feeling the way I am starting to...that if this terrible sitch did NOT happen in your life, that you would not be better off. That you are truly finding the person you have wanted to be all along. I feel compelled to give my H credit for that, but not quite yet! I am happy for you that you are doing better with your W. It is inspiring to read and it has given me patience to read your thread...what a long road. Patience is so important. Suffice it to say that time flies when you are having fun...so having fun is a goal of mine...everyday. The ride may just seem shorter that way. I would love to hear an update on the date...take care
I hope everyone out there is doing well, keep your chin up, focus on improving yourself and having a great life, whichever way things go in your life, they will happen in a positive way if you are living a positive, happy life and take care of yourself.
I hope so, man!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
"Is anyone else seeing this finally during their separation from their spouses? You shouldn't be wanting things to go back to how they were. How they were is what you led you to this point in your life right now."
I think most of us feel this way. We don't want the old marriage...it was bad. We want a new marriage, built on a new foundation, one with compassion, respect, and value...we just want it to be with our spouse's!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Truth be told, I was waiting for the "old" version of my wife to come back.
This last weekend was a stressful one for both of us. She had a big fight with her parents & brother and was stressed out with all the work we were involved in with getting ready this weekend.
Our daughter's 1st communion happened this past weekend, there was lot's of work involved with inviting relatives to the church and organizing a family dinner, buying "thank you" gifts, writing cards, getting photo & video taken care of, getting our daughter's dress,veil,gloves & shoes ready, getting her hair done in the early morning before going to church on sunday (yes it's a big production, italian, roman catholic church, my little girl looked like she was getting married by the way she was dressed LOL!)
Anyways my wife was acting rudely throughout the entire weekend, making crap comments, off the cuff remarks, just getting her digs in whenever she could. I made a point of reminding her that she can talk like that to other people but when it comes to me she can keep her brat behavior to herself.
She slowed down a bit, even apologized and then started up again at church, slowed down a bit again, remained civil & friendly during the family dinner afterwards but blew up again when we came home. I had the kids so she came over to help get them undressed from their formal wear and tuck them into bed.
She started acting rude again afterwards and started saying some hurtful things. During the dinner she said something hurtful towards her own father as well, everyone at the table got a bit silent when she did so and she realized she was speaking out loud in public. (Her dad is older, has a heart condition, a built-in pacemaker w/defribulator built-in). She yelled at him while he was putting a plate together to get wrapped up for take out after the dinner was over. After everyone got quiet and all eyes were on her, she apologized to him, got a bit misty and then we all started conversing again just to change the subject and move on.
The thing is I think she is pretty much oblivious to the world when she has temper tantrums & mood swings.
Without going into too many details, she started an argument after we put the kids to bed, it included yelling and choice language. I told her I wouldn't reward her crap behavior with my attention and told her to leave: she wasn't welcome in my house while acting like a brat.
It's too bad, she had been acting much better lately, improved behavior, being kinder, initiating going out, taking me out to dinner, going out for coffee, going shopping together, spending more time with me & the kids, asking to come over more often and spend time with me, making a point of saying that she wants to spend more time with me, that she would arrange to have her parents watch the kids in the evening, etc.
It's very possible that part of this problem is mine, I keep waiting for her to act poorly like this and it looks like maybe I manifest this into reality by thinking it's going to happen.
I remain guarded with her alot of the time, I keep waiting for the "old" version of her to creep back into my life.
I'm not sad though.
I told her and I will continue to let her know that I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't respect me & my well being anytime she is rude with me. She can act this way with someone else.
Being the LBS that transforms into the WAS, you see that the problems in your relationship aren't all your fault. The other person has to take responsibility for their actions and you don't have to put up with crap behavior - when you put up with crap behavior you allow them to push past boundaries and disrespect you and this leads to more & more of the same and being a door mat is never fun. Sometimes it feels like she is challenging me, trying to see what my response will be, if I'm going to be afraid of her or stand up to her. It really feels like that sometimes and I'm trying to find out if this is a conscious thing she's doing or if this something she is doing on a subconscious level: I feel like I'm being tested all the time, it's a weird feeling when you're aware of what's going on, you literally sit back and feel the test in progress and it takes you sometime to adjust to it and gauge your responses because of it. For many years she was (still is I guess) a mean & angry person that was used to running over me and treating me poorly, I wonder if this is her testing me to see if I'm going to crumble & break down. Anyone else ever get this feeling while dealing with their spouse?
Regardless of what she does, I'm doing great always and will continue to do so, make sure you all have that attitude as well, it certainly helps with times like these.
In every instance with past R's and current ones I've had the testing. The most recent one I've been failing miserably.
It seems that what I Db'd successfully for a period with XW, and even made it to piecing, has somehow been forgotten with current GF. It took a bit to realize this and I'm trying to start over.
Weird that knowing better doesn't always make us do the right things. Because of the testing I let emotions dictate reactions from me not realizing I was being tested.
It may be to late, I hope not, but I'm not going to fall into the same old sh.. anymore.
Good job with standing firm with boundaries it will get you through these tests and trials.
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Hey Rob... you don't know me, so let me introduce myself first. I am Ian and I have been on the boards since 10/06. There... I am now qualified
You have the typical problem of most newbies. You seem to overthink things to death instead of just letting go and accepting. My biggest mistake I made in my first 6 months was overanalyzing every interaction, every mood swing, and every feeling that I had. My advice, figure out how to stop doing this to yourself. Let go, accept where you are today and simply be yourself. Work on you and your life. Look at what you did wrong in the marriage and try to figure out how to improve on it. Take this time as a gift, a gift in that you now have some time to "fix" you so that you will be a better husband either for your wife, or future relationships.
Ian
Very good information taken from Robx's original post. Helps me everyday. Hope it helps some of you.
