I know this is horrifying to have to endure but I IMPLORE you not to make any asset divisions on emotion. DO NOT sign the house over to your H to avoid dealing with a long battle.
And maybe it's not about a regression but more what we need to do to come out of deep pain in a meaningful way. This path you are in now is present for a reason. The reason may be to lead you towards a much different life that may not be what you thought but also may be exactly what you are supposed to have.
Sol - the mind is a very powerful thing. I allowed mine to runaway with me for 6 months without AD. I don't recommend it. I cried everyday for six months. It didn't do me any good.
What I suggest is thought stopping. It'll help. It did for me. What you do is whenever a thought of your H comes into your mind, you say STOP and then force yourself to think of something else (not related to him). It can be anything. I could be a thought about what it would be like to win a gold medal, learning to drive a motorcycle, or even a happy memory you have that doesn't involve him. Make a list so you don't have to come up with it on the spot.
The point is, my continued thinking about my H drove me crazy. Forcing myself to STOP and think about something else has helped me tremendously. You can do it. It'll be tough at first but it'll get easier. My first day of thought stopping... I had to do it 46 times in one day. Now, two weeks into it, only about 15. Eventually, I hope he'll just drop from my mind.
Check out Prather's "Little Book of Letting Go" and another (author?) "How to Fall Out of Love" They are great! Check them out!
Stay Positive! You're doing Great!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I agree with everyone's recommendation to go to your doctor and get ADs. I am someone who prefers not to use medication, and I look for more holistic ways to treat things whenever possible. However, ADs put a floor under your feet and allow YOU to be in charge or your emotions. You don't have to be on them forever; they are temporary while you're going through tough situations AND doing the work on yourself that's necessary in the meantime.
I also encourage you NOT to roll over and give your H everything he wants. Consult a lawyer, and let him/her do the heavy lifting. You may feel like you just want it to be over and to run away from it all, but in the end, rolling over will leave you feeling disempowered and taken advantage of...again.
You suffered a lot of emotional abuse at this man's hands, and he's STILL playing you. He thinks he's going to manipulate you into him getting everything he wants...no consequences. I'm not telling you to be greedy, but I am telling you to get your fair share of the assets from the M, what you're legally entitled to.
If you stand up for yourself, in the end you will feel more empowered. From where I sit, the thing you need most is to reclaim your power from your H. You're giving it away when it's really all yours.
Hang in there, and make an appointment for your doc!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I know that I am in a depression right now (a big one) probably since Feb of last year. I have never felt bad like this for so long. But at the same time I do not want to take meds because I feel that a divorce can lead to depression, so it's natural. Maybe I'll research it though. Does it have any odd effects? I don't want to become dependent to something like that.
Saw L yesterday. There are some things that need to be revised re: H's original petition for D. (Fun fact: the way he filed means I cannot remarry -- interesting, huh?) So there have to be some revisions and L said he can have me D'ed in about 30 days sine we haven't lived together for 11 months and have no kids. The main thing is getting the house issue settled. He said he doesn't foresee any assets coming out of it w/ the recession and advised me to just keep the furniture and sign house/debt over to H. He said he didn't really think I'd get any $/settlement from H. I asked if we could mention the greencard in the D but he said he doesn't handle "immigration law." I wonder if I'd even bring it up in court? Who knows? Does a D judge normally just rule on wahtever each party states in the D papers or does he make his own determinations as well?
The retainer is hefty, IMO. Has anyone here done their own D? I wish H would just pay for all of the D since he is the one wanting it. I do feel like I walk away from this with nothing. He'll have the house, some new work raises, the greencard, the nice cars, etc. and I get to... move back in w/ my parents to save $. Nice.
I want this to be done with fast.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
And maybe it's not about a regression but more what we need to do to come out of deep pain in a meaningful way. This path you are in now is present for a reason. The reason may be to lead you towards a much different life that may not be what you thought but also may be exactly what you are supposed to have.
Get some ADs Soleil, it will make going through this tough time easier. I had the same thinking as you "I don't need no stinking drugs, I'm in total control of myself" but at times it's really tough and it's unnecessary. I tried SJW over the counter stuff which helped just a little bit but getting out in the Sunlight and doing physical activities really turned me around (took a few weeks) but now I feel like I can kick ass and take names!
Go see another L, this one sounds like a lazy bastard to me and there are many like him. They're glorified paralegals who would rather wrap up a D and move on to the next, less stress, time etc. They have templates ready where they change your name and file. Get a couple of recommendations if you can or do your research online.
Having said that it may be that there's not much to be gained from this financially if the house has no equity etc. But you'd better find out now so you don't look back and have regrets.
It's mind boggling to me how we the LBSs are the ones that end up hurting financially too in just about EVERY situation. But I wouldn't worry about what he ends up with, I'll look at it as 'I don't need the jackass or his jackshit- I'm smart, I'm strong and I will be OK!'
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I would not retain this attny. And when you do retain an attny have him/her file an immediate motion so you can get immediate reimbursement of your legal fees.
The recession, lack of equity and all of that good stuff is what it is. I am STUNNED an attny would suggest to you that walking away from the house is a good idea. And a family law attny doesn't need to specialize in immigration law to answer a simple question about the green card. My attny has these handy law books (like thousands of them) that contain all the answers outside of his speciality. If the attny you spoke to y'day is THAT lazy never go back.
So basically your H shook you down for a green card and now will be getting the house, thought he could dictate a future marriage to you, will pay nothing and you pay the legal fees? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
And NO.
I would go to every divorce attny in your town for two reasons (A) to find the best one and (B) so when you do your H can't have them.
Petition for spousal support and see what happens. And I would be combing over EVERY immigration document I could get my hands on.
Sol - I didn't do ADs. I didn't want to get all drugged up either, but I was miserable for six months. Granted, I'm still not taking ADs, but I'm doing cognitive behavioral therapy (ie the "thought stopping" i told you about in my previous post).
I have a friend who went through a D and did take ADs and she's fine. I don't think there are lasting effects, it just helps you to function better. It is your choice.
If you don't want ADs, I highly recommend a counselor, and those two books. Prather's "Little Book of Letting Go" and (author?) "How to Fall Out of Love" They were great for me.
As for the attny... they are supposed to be on YOUR side. If you don't feel like they are - get rid of them! Most attnys do free consults. Consult until you find one you like.
hang in there.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
ADs are a tool, not a crutch. It is up to you and a counselor to decide if you would benefit from them. You are right in that this is a situational depression, which also means that you would not be on the meds forever. I used them for about 2 years, and they saved my life. If you broke your arm in a fall, would you just let it heal "naturally," or would you go get a cast?
Please see another lawyer - try to ask around for referrals (do you have a local women's center?)
Unless you are abusing AD's addiction is not an issue. Like any drug that penetrates the brain/blood barrier there is a proper way to start them, take them and wean off of them.
Depression that lasts for more than a brief pocket of time (even if situational) is not something you can "snap out of" quickly. Partner financial stress and all the other stresses that a divorce produces and you are suffering needlessly.
Your brain is "trained" right now to be depressed and the AD's will help retrain your brain.
There is no "high" but if they are managed properly you will begin to feel balance.
I'll look into those ADs though I'm iffy on them. Won't hurt to research though.
As for the Ls... every place I've called charge about $300 for a consultation fee and then afterward they tell you what their retainer is. Madness! I don't have $300 to waste just to interview a handful of Ls and then maybe not even pick them. By the end of seeing 5 of them, that'd be almost a retainer fee right there.
Grr.
You know what's crazy? I think it cost about $25 to get married. And this will be in the thousands. Ah. You gotta love that.
