Readers here may benefit from at least the four being listed.
If you have print outs of the four horsemen such as a single page or whatnot PRINT it OUT and when you sit down to talk you put that in front of you both and you STOP him as soon as he veers into one... YOu point at the sheet and offending item there and say
NO...
And you wait for him to back up... Or walk away.. He will do one or the other...
I am not big on expecting a WS to remember anything that isn't right in front of them and POINTED AT...
It's insulting to have to treat your spouse like a child I know, but it will work a lot better than hoping he remembers something that will incriminate him...
That's like asking a burglar to watch your house for you while you are on vacation...
We actually have it printed out for us, in the workbook we had to do individually while there.
I'm telling you - it's a GREAT program. Even though H and I didn't end the weekend as a lot did in terms of H still being not committed to the M, I do think that if we get back to that place, the weekend will definitely have played its role in that - whether he admits it or not! He does admit it provided great tools.
Burglar watching the house....LOL... too funny and too correct!!!
You bring it BACK into the discussion in PRINT FORM and plop it right in front of him...
Each time he steers teh conversation into something destructive thats identified on the print out you tell him
NO
And POINT to the print out.. FORCE him to either go BACK to the weekend in his mind and follow what he was taught OR he gets up in a defensive huff and stops off...
Even if he storms off he KNOWS you were on teh right track and he KNOWS HE is the one who isnt' cooeprating...
You don't need him to admit he's a problem, you just need him to KNOW he's a problem...
This removes the memory issue.. You dont' need to hope he remembers or wonder if he's being passive aggressive and just pretending he forgot... You put the guideline right in front of him.
Ever built something from IKEA without the instructions in front of you?
It's a LOT EASIER to stay on TARGET with the instructions right there on the floor while you work isn't it?
WHo knows, he may even call YOU on one of them.. which is FINE.. he's WORKING the program which is what you want.
Yep: you're exactly right. I don't mind if he calls me out at all. Right now there is not a whole lot of discussion going on about issues but there needs to be soon. Honestly, I don't think he wants to bring anything up because he knows - and the kids have pointed out - that I have worked on every single issue he had with me. He's worked on none other than being willing to have a 30 minute conversation every day.
I haven't pushed it this week since he wanted a week to "see how things were" after my conversation with him last Tues. about moving out or being cooperative/positive. That week is up today so I don't know how it will go now. Actually, he's working late tonight so there might not be a conversation tonight. With taking D to college this weekend, I'm not sure I'm up for another big, stressful event (if he were to move out) this week anyway. If he doesn't bring it up, I may not either right now! lol (Well, you know - as long as he continues to not cross boundaries, which he hasn't.)
With all of the above suggestions, etc... I feel very prepared though, for any conversations that may occur.
a. Bring up the 30 min covo b. Bring up the end of week block
Tell him the following :
I realize you had a very long day so how about we just relax and take the night to watch something funny on TV for a half an hour instead?
Would that make the night easier?
Also the week is up for review and I think we both need a night to process our D going to college tonight. That's just as important. DD doen'st need teh stress of us divorcing right now she's made that clear.
I am gonig to suggest we put the discussion of your cooperation wtih the family off for the night so the whole family can be better prepared.
Just take the night to relax.
We will discuss your participation level here tomorrow if the family is up for it. Right now they don't need it and neither do I.
Yup... just be very careful with the wording... Notice I never made it about you vs him.. it was the family always.. always referred to as one unit coming from your voice...
Well, I've decided to go to study group for my test in the morning, so I will probably now be home later than he is! So, we'll see whwhat things are like when I get home. How about:
"It's late so why don't we just relax and watch something together for half an hour instead of trying to fit in the 30 min. conversation. We've both had long days. I know the week in review is up, but perhaps we're better off postponing that discussion. It's a stressful time with school orientations for the boys and getting D off this weekend. I have a lot going on as well and none of us really need added stress right now with talk of leaving and divorce. We can discuss your participation in this family whenever everyone is better prepared this coming week."
Not sure if I want to say we'll talk tomorrow or just "this coming week" because truly, it's better for everyone if we wait until getting D moved. I just can't imagine how terrible it would be if he left and then I had to get her off to school this weekend and he were to want to go as well...
YOu could add the positives of the week to encourage him...
"The family hasn't heard any talk of you leaving or anything negative... everyone feels pretty good right now and that's great given our D is goin to to college and that's difficult... thank you for being a great parent and husband for them right now"
Tell him specific things he DID do as well as thanking him for avoiding the negatives...
Just make ita five minute praise session instead... casual put positive
YOu can praise youself too...
"The family has the hosue in order, i finished up the monthly finances and bookeeping, etc"
