Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Gardener]

CG,
Great post.
Every sentence (except the first one) is cogent, insightful and a gem.
Thanks.

Peace,

[TimeHeals]

Being alone is a good thing and really, not many adults get the opportunity to really be alone and learn about themselves and life with so much experience to draw on. Sometimes the greatest gifts are born from the greatest pain.

I like the word "solitude" because it doesn't imply being "lonely".

You go out with your friends and family sometimes, but you have time to just be you and do you stuff. It isn't bad, is it?

Now if we can just convince the people who either won't let go or who go off on an immediate rebound...

J/K, they'll learn soon enough

[Gardener]

TH,

Being alone is a good thing.

I like the word "solitude" because it doesn't imply being "lonely".

I'm with you. I also like "quietude." In fact, most words that end in the suffix, "tude" (state of or condition of) are usually darned good words: fortitude, gratitude, etc.

Peace,

[antlers]

when the time comes where you do find yourself exploring the dating world again... and the question is asked... why did your wife leave you?

How will you answer that? And what do you expect their response to be to your answer?

Hi Bridgestone.
When that time comes, especially if I'm just 'dating' someone, I doubt I'd go into much detail. I'd probably say "because sometimes they don't last" and let that suffice.
I can remember when my STBXW asked me that early on in our relationship about a previous relationship I'd had...and I remember saying "because sometimes they don't last"...and sufficed. She didn't ask anymore.
I think the importance of what I've learned matters to me, deeply, and what matters to others is that I am the way that I am...period. Most people aren't interested in the details, and it's not necessary for them to know them.
I don't think that 'reliving' the past with a potential new mate is necessary. It might even come across as still being emotionally invested in it, instead of having 'let it go'.
I know how I got here, what I went through, what I learned, how I changed, etc.. That matters to me. What I've become, what I am...that matters to others.
I will say that it's hard for me to imagine, at this point, caring for another the way I cared for her. Being with someone, and enjoying their company...yeah, I can see that. But caring for another the way I cared for her...I don't see it.

[antlers]

I have learned destruction leads us to the opportunity to rebuild. It presents us with the option to keep the very best parts of ourselves and discard the pieces of us that put us in this terrible position to begin with.

Being alone is a good thing and really, not many adults get the opportunity to really be alone and learn about themselves and life with so much experience to draw on.

Sound wisdom.

Agreed.

[iwantittowork]

Hey Ant,

It is good to catch back up with your sitch, and see that you are doing well! In reading your last few pages, you sound like you are getting to a good place.

Just some thoughts on your recent post.

I don't think that 'reliving' the past with a potential new mate is necessary. It might even come across as still being emotionally invested in it, instead of having 'let it go'.

I don't feel you have to 'relive' your past, nor do you have to regret it, as you can't change it. What you can do, though is use your past to shape your future, something I think you are doing now. I am going to call it 'experience' Recalling it, even fondly at times does not necessarily mean you have not 'let it go' but that you have accepted it for what it is. Your past. Uniquely yours, and what has built the current Ant.

Most people aren't interested in the details, and it's not necessary for them to know them.

Some may not be, and other's may. Some may want to know what makes the 'real' Ant, and those details may be part of it. Don't fear opening up to people, it's called 'intimacy' for a reason, and sharing deep, profound feelings with someone whom you care for, and whom cares for you can take a relationship, romantic or not, to deeper levels.

I will say that it's hard for me to imagine, at this point, caring for another the way I cared for her. Being with someone, and enjoying their company...yeah, I can see that. But caring for another the way I cared for her...I don't see it.

Understandable, but never say never. The way I look at my past with STBXW, why would I want to have the same caring/relationship? That didn't work out at all, but maybe I can have a different, and even better one in the future.

(PS, I have already had some of this above, and truly enjoying things in ways I didn't think were possible just a year ago..)

Take care Ant, hope to keep caught up with you!

[antlers]

Hi IWITW.

It's good to hear from you, and to get your feedback. I understand your position, and I don't disagree with it. What I mean is...it's not necessary for someone to know that I was once an angry, resentful, and abusive person...a man who despised himself and took it out on those he loved.
If they know that I went through a bad separation and divorce, and came out of it a better man...I believe that'll suffice.
As CityGirl said earlier, these awful periods in our lives allow us to retain the good parts of ourselves, while getting rid of the bad parts of ourselves that got us into these terrible positions to begin with.

[ClingingToHope]

I too thought I wouldn't find anyone I care about as deeply as STBXW, but I'm looking back with clearer vision and it was a very one-sided relationship. She cared almost nothing about my life. She never asked about my day, what I was working on, how my friends were.

So if I find someone who is as into me as I am into her -- meaning she wants to know what's going on with me and my life and not just how I can make her life easier -- then I'll be like a man in the desert finding an oasis.

What I'm sad about is that STBXW is central to my life. She's most of my 20s and all of my 30s and the relationship failed. So as I get older and look back it'll always be with the realization that it didn't work.

That I can't change.

[K4D]

Hang in there Antlers. I'm proud of you and the changes you have made.

Kevin

[antlers]

Hi CTH.

I know what ya' mean.
There may be someone in my future that I can enjoy being with...someone that I can care about...someone who cares about me. And I'll welcome that.
I'm just sayin' that I cared for her with my heart and soul...I wanted to be with her until I died, and I can't imagine caring about someone else to 'that' degree.