As for the 6 month+ deal, that's not good news, lol. I don't want to have to deal with him this way for another 6 months or more, that's for sure. UGH. But, I get your point about being patient and not expecting overnight change. However, it DOES have to be healthy for him to be here in the house, and not constantly stress-inducing for me and the kids.
I don't think at this point I do most things to garner a reaction from H. Most of my changes and GAL have been for me and my kids. Occasionally I'll make myself do something just to make sure I'm on top of my game with H, but I feel I'm being pretty authentic. It's hard not to notice the reactions though, whether good or bad. It's a good warning though and reminder - to not get caught up with trying to mind read!
a. Your husband can think negative b. Your husabnd can feel negative c. Your husband can share negative thoughts or feelings within the family d. Your husband can act negative within the family
Clearly a and b are his and don't bother touching them, but c and d you call him on...
And ya, according to MWD if you set boundaries on c and d then those boundaries will slip into a and b eventually anyways... He just doens't know that part lol
Do you think you have wasted anymore $$ than your H has?
Next time he brings that up just tell him you've done the bookeeping and you both have wasted money...
If you want to do the work and add it all up that would even be beter... I strongly suspect you will find he's wasted no less than you have...
He is accusing you of financial infidelity, but he really doens't have any case here... It's just him being accusatory... And yes I still suspect its a smoke screen
It definitely is. When S16 called him on the Facebook/texting issues, he immediately started on me and finances. It's his justification for feeling the way he feels towards me and the M. Reminds me of junior high school, having to point fingers at me instead of just owning up to his own behavior.
I may have wasted a little more money than he has, but certainly not without his knowledge and certainly not this "huge" sum more. It would be difficult to go back and figure out, but you know what? I think I'm going to try! That's a good idea. He can't argue if I can put it in black and white. (Although I'm sure he'll still find fault.)
a. Your husband can think negative b. Your husabnd can feel negative c. Your husband can share negative thoughts or feelings within the family d. Your husband can act negative within the family
Clearly a and b are his and don't bother touching them, but c and d you call him on...
And ya, according to MWD if you set boundaries on c and d then those boundaries will slip into a and b eventually anyways... He just doens't know that part lol
Good practicals here. I need to go back and re-read DR. I've forgotten so much of it and gotten off on all the other material that I've forgotten some of the good stuff from MWD. (Although, the other stuff has been really good as well!)
Tonight H is acting very withdrawn again - and went straight into the office to play XBox whereas he's been being more considerate of that and of doing our nightly homework, etc... first. It probably has something to do with the kids calling him on his CB last night. That's my guess, although, S16 is not home. S14 and D are though.
I am going to go politely ask him about doing the homework... see where that goes.
If he tries to point fingers again just tell him this :
Hold it.
You are changing the subject. Right NOW we are talking about facebook and your choices. You aren't a robot. I don't MAKE you do things.. YOU do.
If you want to discuss finances and how we manage that we can. But right now the subject is your choices to bring a SECOND affair into this home over face book.
Each time he tries to shift the subject to you accept that its worth discussing but confront him straight out :
a. Own your choices - you aren't a robot b. One subject per conversation
Each time he tries to change the subject and blame you for something shift it back and hit him again
a. Are you prepared to own your choice or are you going to hide behind blaming someone like an angry child? b. I will not accept blame for your choices. I will accept my choices, but I am not responsible for yours c. I am willing to discuss my financial choices and own them. Are you prepared to own your choices yes or no?
Just keep moving him back... don't let him get into finances.. Don't defend your finances, shift the conversation back and corner him until he agrees to take ownership or he runs away.. eitehr way he will learn something about himself.
a. We dont know who bought what - YET. b. I am willing to take ownership of the chioces of what i bought if you are. c. I will not accept impromptu fiancial history or be attacked by it d. I will accept facts - you go find them
And if he keeps attacking you get up and excuse yourself
It's important that your conversation with him is calm... so when HE attacks he will learn you will walk away... condition him to either stay calm and stick to the facts or the convo is over...
Each time stick to that... if he starts blaming you steer it to facts or back to the conversation you WERE having if he tries to change it... DOnt' yell, don't attack, invite him to take ownership and wait
If you want, print up the facebook stuff so he doens't deny it and bring it to th table so he sees how a factual conversation takesk place.. teach him how to discuss boundaries...
If he wants to talk about financial boundaries thats GREAT, but he has to learn that you do it with facts, not finger pointing
I do have some of the facebook stuff. None of it is incriminating, but does show the trolling. I have the text message still on my phone that he sent. (The one that was meant for the old gf.)
He has stopped the financial talk with me as I think he knows I'm not playing that game anymore. Now it's just to the kids, it seems, that he is using it. Doesn't mean it won't come up again though (with me) so it's good to have a plan of action!
That's the thing: on the weekend retreat we discussed the 4 horsemen in detail and the barriers to communication. He specifically saw how blaming me was a horseman and I can call him on it!
Of course, he also heard several times over about the history rewrite and he still doesn't seem to make the connection that he's doing that. SO.. why should I expect that he will remember the 4 horsemen too?!
You would've really liked that weekend seminar, btw, Allen. With all your knowledge, etc... there was a lot of information that was dead on and even more in depth as to the whys/hows of everything you discuss! I would love to share more of it here, on the forum, when I have a bit more time. Maybe after getting D off to college this coming week. The only thing I took issue with the whole weekend is it seems they endorse the "being friends" aspect more than I like. I'm trying to find a little more about that. I think being friends with someone who's doing you wrong is just counter to self-respect, personally. They see it as a draw back to you because that's one of the aspects of attraction. However, it's not an area we talked about in depth so maybe they aren't saying something counter to what I feel and I was a bit sensitive to it because of already having that discussion here on the boards.
