Soaring Solo 2010

[ClingingToHope]

My contribution in this would be that there are basically two types of guys -- ones who are loyal and ones always on the hunt.

My STBXW is like the WAS you describe above -- she emotionally checked out on the M four years ago and physically checked out about two years ago.

The more I did to take stress off of her in terms of housework, financial, parental, the more she resented me for it.

And when I moved out -- at her behest -- for the longest time I forgot or buried all of the pain she put me through and put her on a pedestal. I remembered the best of her. The R before the M and the early years before we had kids and we had just each other and all of these plans.

I am loyal. I was comfortable. I liked the idea of us. I thought I could fix us.

There's also fear of the unknown. That's a big part of it. You look around when you are unhappy and wonder what if. But you don't really want to go back out there and have to find someone again.

And it is HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE. I'd say 99 percent of the LBS's who put their X's on pedestals were codependent. I was and still am. I wasn't happy unless she was happy. I am not a whole person unless I have someone with me validating that I'm a great person.

My daughters can't do it. My friends can't do it. My coworkers can't do it. Only another female.

That's what I'm trying to beat.

[hoosiermama]

It was good for me to "see" her, however fleetingly. After a couple of days of pining again for my memory of who she once was and lamenting the sad, damaged little girl she was/is, I saw the adult, the woman, the person for whom I really have no feelings - or any respect -for anymore.

I needed that.
Today.

yes! amazing how we sometimes get exactly what we need, and when we least expect it.

[rockedworld]

My contribution in this would be that there are basically two types of guys -- ones who are loyal and ones always on the hunt.

This is a great discussion, thank you for bringing it up CG! I too have wondered about that as I have read these threads.

It is sad to me to realize the truth of which type of man my STBXH is, and always has been. He may not have always been on the hunt for another woman, that only came recently, but as I think about our life together, he was always on the hunt for something. He was not happy within himself, and has always looked for something outside himself to fix that. I don't want a man like that in my life... because until he deals with that... the hunt will never end, I would continue to be pushed aside in the ongoing need to hunt.

Wow. good insight CTH. Thanks.

[whatisis]

I think as human beings we have this desire to classify people, to wrap them up and put them neatly into little boxes. It's far easier for us to do so than to have to figure out every individual we come across. It's also not always applicable. I think there are many types of men, women and marriages. To try and reduce men down to two types is just our anxious need to figure everything out in the hopes of avoiding what we've just gone through again. There are all sorts of reasons men and women look elsewhere outside their marriages and some are always on the hunt, others are dissatisfied with their marriage, their spouse or themselves. Who really knows why anyone does anything they do! My Pastor once said to me that the main thing he's learned in his job is that when in difficult situations some really good people can do some really bad things. There you go!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Gardener, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother but I'm glad he's OK and I hope he makes a speedy recovery.

Sometimes things like this happen and we realize how vulnerable we all our in this world. How little time/chance(?) we have to either fill our lives (and those around us) with happiness or waste such precious time fighting over BS.

[iwantittowork]

Gman, boy, I can't keep up with your thread, it grows and grows and grows!

Great stuff in last couple pages, however this stuck out to me from CTH

And it is HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE. I'd say 99 percent of the LBS's who put their X's on pedestals were codependent. I was and still am. I wasn't happy unless she was happy. I am not a whole person unless I have someone with me validating that I'm a great person.

As someone that can also identify with this, and did the same thing, I love your memories and stories, but they also hint to me some of this above.

HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE

The biggest single problem I had in 40 years of living. I always felt I 'had to find someone' and when I did, became co-dependent on them, there happiness tied to mine.

Even up until the past 6 months I have had this, and work hard to prevent it now, and will moving forward.

I spent 2 days with myself just analyzing this at my home, and finally realizing a few things, that really helped get me over the hump, so to speak.

We are always alone: This is more philosophical, but Even when we are 'with' someone, we don't know there true inner thoughts, feelings, just the same as they do not know ours. We can verbalize, talk about them, etc, but under real scrutiny, they are interpretations, etc. This I realize is not a bad thing when you just accept it that this is the case. That does not mean you are 'isolated' from people. There are plenty of people that care about you, including here at this site!

You will be fine with or without someone: Doesn't really need explaining, but I will tell you this, when you really grasp this at a deep and profound level, it will feel like a weight is lifted from your shoulders. As you walk around currently and look at the world, the people, etc, and if you are single and at the core realize that it is 'ok!'

Live in the here and now! This could be the biggest, most important one that I have been working on myself. When I reflect on my past now, and it brings up emotions, or when I think about the future and it does the same, I realize I am not in the 'present' and I use a word association to bring me back.

I can not change the past.
I can not predict the future.

And at the same time, just accept whatever emotion is running through me, and repeat the above. It works for me, and the emotional state I was in subsides.

The combination of these things has opened me up to new experiences, and also a new woman in my life, when I took all the above, and went outside my previous boundaries, and approached her where in the past I would not have.

Living without fear most of the time now, of my past, of my future, of whatever comes my way, has been so opening and made for truly happy moments, that I know that we all can find.

I hope I am not rambling to much here, and about my own sitch, but hope you pull some bits out of it to apply to your own sitch, as I have done so with so many of yours.

Peace G-man!

[Gardener]

iwitw,
Yes, I was co-dependent in the sense that I put X's wants, needs, and comfort above and before my very own.

But, no, I don't need someone. And right now, I don't want someone, R-wise. I am comfortable being alone, single and continuing to slowly heal, rebuild, and learn.

Thanks for your sharing and suggestions. You sound like you are getting to a real good place.

Peace,

[whiskey.tango]

I think as human beings we have this desire to classify people, to wrap them up and put them neatly into little boxes. It's far easier for us to do so than to have to figure out every individual we come across. It's also not always applicable. I think there are many types of men, women and marriages. To try and reduce men down to two types is just our anxious need to figure everything out in the hopes of avoiding what we've just gone through again. There are all sorts of reasons men and women look elsewhere outside their marriages and some are always on the hunt, others are dissatisfied with their marriage, their spouse or themselves.

WII - I can see your point and don't necessarily disagree. I just don't think people are all that complicated. So, I don't think we need to categorize as much as there are some basic assessment that happens when you meet someone. (not that I always pay attention to that assessment, hence, why I landed here).

Not categories - just a fact - people are either available or they are not. This is physically and emotionally. To themselves and others. A good indicator is people who start explaining themselves the minute you meet them. And if they are unavailable at some level, they just are - we can buy their excuses, look that other way or walk away. I'm just emphasizing that people need to be honest with themselves and others. Believe me, I got my areas where I am unavailable and got no problems letting people know.

My Pastor once said to me that the main thing he's learned in his job is that when in difficult situations some really good people can do some really bad things. There you go!

Really? Give me an example of that one please.

WT

[whatisis]

He actually did give me an example of a wonderful husband and father who killed his wife months after she left him. He just fell apart and couldn't handle the loss. According to his kids, he had become a different person after the separation. Pastor also mentioned that he's dealt with unfaithful spouses that you would never believe could do such a thing, but they do. Nothing really surprises him anymore.

[iwantittowork]

Yes, I was co-dependent in the sense that I put X's wants, needs, and comfort above and before my very own.

Ah yes, myself as well, but really deep under that is the 'why' that you did that. That is the important piece.

In my case, lack of self esteem, of feeling 'equal' to my ex, or of truly believing I had as much value as she did, based on some pretty flawed logic and self imposed views, that come from a variety of places. ("No More Mr. Nice Guy" will ring a bell here..)

Then, what we take from the 'why' is acceptance. Accepting that yes, the reasons above, valid or not, were the root cause. Not feeling ashamed to admit it, and a lot of the cause of our issues was my own doing, and admitting that as well, and knowing you can't change it now.

But you can forgive yourself, and use that reflections in your current present moments.. Very liberating as well.

Radical Acceptance, and forgiveness, and mindfulness, very useful things in our present lives, and I know you are working on them!