Hi CL, just my thoughts but would it not have been possible for you to have just sat together and watched tv or a film, just being together without actually doing an activity or dancing. She is home all day and maybe just wanted some company. This seems to be the stumbling block that neither of you know how to just be together doing nothing. General chit chat without planning trips or lessons. People who love and care for each other should be comfortable doing nothing much other than sitting together and maybe a hand squeeze or shoulder rub now and again,or a "can I get you anything?" just to show concern if you felt her illness was genuine. BTW hope you remembered the rule about eating the left overs.-(sorry just my warped humour.) Hope the dog had no ill affects, how on earth did he manage to eat freezer packs,shouldn't they be in the freezer. I give you credit for dogged determination,this relationship is such hard work on a daily basis.
Validate her but don't let her tell you what you think, feel or believe.
Don't let last night be a big deal. It wasn't a failure. It was just unhealthy dialouge that can be improved.
I let her continue to repeat her complaint when I got home, but decided that I wasn't going to let her spend too much time there, as she begins to repeat herself. I did lead the evening plans, as I knew she would get stuck in her negativity. We started the evening off with swimming and practicing the Breast stroke and kick. On the way home we stopped at a concert where a band was playing 60's music. My W wanted to dance, which I tried to accommodate, but I don't Swing or Hustle well. The evening was still young, I didn't want to end on a sour note, so I suggested we go to our late night Salsa venue. We found several of our dance friends there and had a good time.
After our dance lesson at 1PM today, the day is open. There's a Salsa festival about 100 miles to the north. There are no primary dance options for the evening. I may suggest we drog the dog off at her sister's and head up there, even if I have to drive home late at night. I have to be back late morning to go to a baseball game with my brother (which she declined).
My test this weekend is to negotiate our time together to mutual satisfaction, even though I have a Sunday afternoon with my brother, and no typical local dance events to attend.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
That creates emotional connection when you can withstand her feelings.
Validate her but don't let her tell you what you think, feel or believe.
One of the patterns I'm trying to break is avoiding her intense feelings. I'm trying to hang in there with her, even when it's unpleasant.
This is my first step in establishing boundaries--not taking her opinions and making them my own without testing to see if they are true. My pattern has been to take it as true, feel like a failure, and try harder at doing the same things.
She has frequently in the past asked me to take the lead in situations. Her mind is always going, and she naturally wants to take control of things. I'm learning that if I sometimes take control, it gives her a rest, and gives me a voice in the outcome.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This is my first step in establishing boundaries--not taking her opinions and making them my own without testing to see if they are true. My pattern has been to take it as true, feel like a failure, and try harder at doing the same things.
Hi CL, just thought I'd stop in and lend my support. How are you doing with this first step; at breaking your old pattern? Any opportunities to practice setting your boundaries?
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
She has frequently in the past asked me to take the lead in situations. Her mind is always going, and she naturally wants to take control of things.
Is she quite a worrier, CL? Just wondering because of some of your references to her desire to control, plus her venting and intense emotions.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, I'm shortening the duration of feeling bad, and am trying to look at the bigger picture, rather than just her opinions when she's being emotional. I'm getting better at it.
She is quite a worrier, though I think she's working on it. She and I exercise together on a more frequent basis at our health club. Since I've taken up swimming, we can now swim together a few times per week. Her and my particiaption in the health club has helped lower the stress in the M a great deal.
In addition to boundary-setting I'm also working on being more expressive, being more willing to try new things, being more willing to take risks, and thinking in terms of the partnership instead of mainly me.
My body is getting stronger, my mind is getting sharper, and my light is shining brighter.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FMV, My body is getting stronger, my mind is getting sharper, and my light is shining brighter.
Wonderful to hear CL. I can appreciate how difficult it must be to live with a worrier. I'm one, so I know how hard it is on my H.
I love that you're working on being more expressive - I think that as you model this for her and lead the way, I bet she'll become more expressive herself. That's the best antidote for worriers - to learn how to verbalize concerns before they get a chance to grow and get distorted inside their hearts. My friend really put it well the other day. She said: "Sometimes the act of making yourself heard reduces the insecurity. Harboring and feeding it makes it grow."
But, as I know only too well, it takes a long time to learn the tools to turn 'worries into words'. In the meantime, there can be a lot of blow-ups. I put my H through that a lot too. Since I've been learning how to speak up it happens a lot less often. I hope you and your W are finding the same. So good for you! Glad to hear of the positive changes!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I love that you're working on being more expressive - I think that as you model this for her and lead the way, I bet she'll become more expressive herself.S
Since I've been learning how to speak up it happens a lot less often.
At this point, being more expressive is simply speaking-up more often, rather than avoiding, or not thinking in terms of the partnership, and leaving her hanging or stewing.
A minor conflict we're having is balancing our dancing styles--I prefer ballroom, and she likes the pace of Salsa. I comromised with her and told her I would go with her last night to a late night Salsa venue, if she went to a Tango lesson with me. I also told her that I want to visit a ballroom venue one night per week to practice ballroom. She agreed to go to this. I expect some complaints from her at the ballroom venue, because she's still learning the skills. I will stick to my guns about meeting my needs, and expressing those to her. The partnership doesn't have to be a perfect fit.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I had a weekend getaway with our dance studio. We had a nice time for the most part. The evening ballroom dance didn't go well for my W. She enjoyed connecting with the other students, and even got up early for breakfast. The ballroom dance was again stressful for her.
She said afterwards that she feels like she is sitting watching others dance. I know the instructor and others dance with her and keep her busy, but I guess it's not enough. I'm reluctant to dance my less skilled dances with her, because she's so self-conscious on the floor and won't tolerate mistakes. The teacher tried to tell her that mistakes are part of the process. She cried all the way home in the car, and was intoxicated when we left.
She tried to blame me for her experience. I asked her what it was I did wrong, and she was not able to articulatete it. She kept repeating how she's wanted to dance ballroom as a child, and was denied by her mother. I replied to her email this morning, and told her to think about what skills she needs to be comfortable in a ballroom setting, and make a plan to develop them. I would help to the extent I can. I did influence her to go to a ballroom dance at a studio last Friday, and she had a fine experience. The large ballroom was intimidating to her.
I'll work on not letting myself get hooked into her comments, and try to stay focused on problem-solving. If she gets disrespectful, I'll wait until another time to help her with this problem. I think not working is also adding to her stress. Spending time with other couples is helpful, because you get to see all of them having conflicts at some point or another. The teachers fuss in front of us.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 08/23/1007:25 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She tried to blame me for her experience. I asked her what it was I did wrong, and she was not able to articulatete it. ... I'll work on not letting myself get hooked into her comments, and try to stay focused on problem-solving. If she gets disrespectful, I'll wait until another time to help her with this problem.
Hi CL, glad to hear you're not buying into her blame, and maintaining your mutually-respectful boundaries. Hopefully as she continues to see you model them, she'll follow suit.
PS Thank you also for all your support today - it meant a lot and you gave me many good ideas to consider.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Wonderful to hear CL. I can appreciate how difficult it must be to live with a worrier. I'm one, so I know how hard it is on my H.