Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Long Journaling,

Rough week.

One week ago today, Real Estate agent calls to say there's a showing in 1 hour. For the first time, a couple is coming back for a second look. I'm at a customer's house and although my house is "show-ready," I did notice that morning that it needed to be mowed.
Home I go to mow.

Half an hour or so later, I turn off the mower and my phone's beeping (I could neither hear nor feel the phone vibrate while mowing). I look down. My brother had called me eight times in the last 10 minutes.
Uh oh.

I call back. SIL answers. She had been calling from his phone. She's in an ambulance with him. Heart attack. Could be bad. Ambulance just turned around from going to X hospital to go to Y hospital 20 minutes further away because they have the region's best cardiac facility.

Siren in the background. Paramedics barking at each other.
"I'm on my way," I tell SIL.

Longest 30 minute drive of my life.
To keep calm I talk to him, sending him positive energy and healing thoughts. But in between, I admit to repeatedly, selfishly, saying to him, "Don't you go!" "Don't you go!!"

Selfish because after this year and a half of so much loss, without a thought for his wife and sons - I couldn't bear the thought of my losing him, too. Ever.

For some reason, I think back to this past Thanksgiving. In my toast, after lamenting that our table that had been crammed with 16 people for the last 18 years, was quite roomy with only my S 31, my brother, SIL and two nephews and me, I decided in my toast to say to my brother in front of his - our - family what I had told him often in the past: that we all wear many hats, fulfill many roles: husband, father, brother, uncle, etc., but I wanted to acknowledge - especially after his support these past many months that, "All my life, Tommy always- always- has been a very good brother to me."

At that moment driving to the hospital I was glad I had said that publicly, much like at my party two weeks earlier I had said that he has never - ever - let me down.

It looks like he'll be okay. Thank God he had all the symptoms and a lot of pain or else he probably would've thought nothing of it or would've "toughed it out," gone to lie down and, being home alone at the time, would've died.

He called 911.

In the hospital with the whole family waiting, but it looks okay. He tells me much later that his "procedure" was even done with a local anesthetic and he stared at the ceiling occasionally chatting with the doctors.

Then he saw no ceiling. He saw brilliant, white, cool light and thought, "God, I must be wiped out." Then he saw the ceiling again. And had no more energy to talk.

Later in CCU, his doctor said, "we lost you there for a minute, had to zap you to bring you back."

He was amazed that though it was only 45 seconds or so he had the same common, universal experience that so many people who were gone and "pulled back" have had as detailed in books like Life After Life, etc.
He (atheist) was profoundly affected. And will be for a while to come, I'm sure.

I spent a lot of time with him this week, telling him many things, not the least of which is he had the classic "Wake-Up Call." He's never exercised, never eaten well, has one big-ass belly and in fact, has often ribbed me about being a "health nut."

Well, I am going to to be riding his @ss and getting him on the right path (along with his sons and wife) starting now.

He told me this afternoon that X called him Tuesday. Seems she heard about it because she is still on SIL's email distribution list. At court a few weeks back, X had told me her mother had been hospitalized with a serious health setback and was now home though not well. "I wish you had called me; I would've called or sent flowers or something." Her reply? "Yeah, well." What goes around comes around.

My brother didn't even know who she was on the phone (it's been almost two years since he's heard/seen her). He gave her some perfunctory facts, said he had to lie down and thanked her for calling. 45 seconds, tops. Consequences.

I'll share something very personal here. My daily spiritual practice includes, upon awakening each day, saying, "It is August 7th, 2010. There was never any assurance, let alone guarantee, that I would live to see this date. Here it is. Here I am. And I am very grateful."

This week that took on added meaning. And has begun including thoughts of loved ones in addition to myself.

Thanks for reading.

Peace,

[Reincarnated]

Bill -

I am so glad that it looks like he will be ok...
I lost my dad when he was only 50 to a sudden heart attack. He did go lie down, thinking he had the flu or something.

Many, many hugs....

[Gardener]

Donna,
Thank you.
What a shame about your Dad.
Tommy's 60. I have a whole new perspective and appreciation.
Don't know what he has yet, though I know he's relieved.
He's a close-to-the-vest, non-talkative type.
(unlike his brother )

[BobbiJo]

I am so glad your brother dialed 911. Too many try to 'tough it out' afraid of making 'a big deal out of nothing'. And die. So what a blessing he made it and has a new appreciation for life.

You are right, none of us are promised anything so each day is a gift...

[Mrs. A]

Gardener, my thoughts and prayers are with your brother and you and your family. Wishing you all the peace you always wish to all of us! Fortitude too.

Most sincerely,
Mrs. A

[hoosiermama]

Gardener--I'm so glad your brother got help in time!! As an old ER nurse, i've obviously seen far too many people who didn't. And his out-of-body experience--wow. Some scientists claim that's a physiologic response...what a western, intellectual explanation. We know better,eh?

[Gardener]

Revelation Journaling,

This morning I awoke, and as I said in my last post was saying my gratitude prayer: "Today is August 7, 2010..."

Nineteen years ago tonight we made love for the first time.
We had a beach date that day. At one point, I was in the water watching her walk along the shore and realized, "I love this woman!"

If you listen to the lyrics of Elton John's "The One" and just change "in the water," to "from the water" the song describes that moment in time exactly. When that song came out the following year, I was astonished. I read it to by-then Mrs. G.

Last year on this date I drove to that beach, went out into the water to that spot and gently dropped my wedding band below the water.

And this morning I thought of that wonderful, blissful night.

And then remembered how she pulled back from me the next day on the phone. Pulled back for days.

And then I remembered that the following month, the first time I slept overnight with her in her home and how the day following that, she called me and said the dreaded, "Gardener, we need to talk." She pulled back for almost two weeks.

Two months later as I left her house she said goodbye and - for the first time - "I love you." I drove home on cloud nine only to be told later that she said that "out of habit, I always say, 'I love you,' when I say goodbye at the door: to my children, my sister, my friends. I didn't really mean it; it just came out automatically, etc., etc." While hurt, I remember thinking of Hamlet's, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

And she pulled back for a few days.

And then I thought of ten or more such occurrences over the years, one just two months before the Bomb after a very romantic weekend getaway.

I thought of the MC telling me once, "Mrs. G's childhood family abuse has traumatized her far worse than she's ever realized. Her family of origin traumas run deep to her core to this day. More than she's ever let on."

I then thought of the note I kept on my mirror for so many months post-bomb: "Your best friend is confused and in a lot of pain. Remember that."

In March, I met with a counselor we saw briefly in '06. I was considering him for my new IC (I chose someone else). After I updated him on our four years since and our sitch and divorce the previous month, he said, "I always had a sense that Mrs. G. was speaking from a place of deep trauma."

And her telling her sister the month her abusive father died (six months pre-Bomb), "Jesus Christ, (sister's name), I'm 57 and this is all just starting to bubble up in me."

I thought of recently reading all of Snodderly's posts about the abused-in-childhood spouse going into crisis. And running away as fast and as hard as they can.

And then I began to second-guess myself when she asked to meet six months post-D and asked me to be friends: I replied, in short, "No."

My first - and my current - IC both told me that when her father suddenly died, all her unresolved issues with her father were automatically transferred to the most important male in her life at that time: me.

But this morning it all added up again in a whole new way, a new revelation. A pattern:
I suddenly realized that every time we had a particularly mind-blowing session of making love, or a moment of connecting deeply or of one of us really revealing or exposing our innermost self - in short, every time after intimacy, she always pulled back in one way or another for some length of time or another. Always. Our entire marriage. A pattern that I never saw.

Last week I told my IC that in some ways I feel now that I was married to a persona, not a person.

And today the roller coaster I thought I had finally gotten off of is careening out of control.

And all I want to do right now is hold that hurt, damaged, scared little girl in my arms again.

And once again, I'm a mess.

And ultimately, all the above along with this morning's revelation of her pattern which I never saw, never connected the dots of while we were married does me no good. Gets me nowhere.

God Dammit all.

Thanks, everyone.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

((((gardener))))

[BobbiJo]

Oh Gardener....I feel you. I do. I am having a similar experience today. Wish I could help. I think all we can do if feel the pain until it passes...take care.

[newmama]

Gardener, first of all, I am so relieved that your brother is ok! And that is mindblowing to hear he had a similar near death vision that many people speak of...yet he is atheist! So is he going to reconsider his spirituality? wow!

Now for this:

But this morning it all added up again in a whole new way, a new revelation. A pattern:
I suddenly realized that... - in short, every time after intimacy, she always pulled back in one way or another for some length of time or another. Always. Our entire marriage. A pattern that I never saw.

Hmmm, I wonder what caused you to have this revelation? Was it the yoga? The fact that she called your brother? Just curious.

And ultimately, all the above along with this morning's revelation of her pattern which I never saw, never connected the dots of while we were married does me no good. Gets me nowhere.

Well could it at least offer an explanation for her behavior leading up to divorce and how she wanted to meet up after? I mean it does, again, prove that some spouses who walk away have internal issues that are beyond us. We cannot help them or change them...(I know you know this, just stating it) and truly, sometimes helping them means we get hurt again and again! So hard when you love someone!

Thank you for sharing your personal feelings and thoughts with us. I am sorry you are having a rough time at the moment.