She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[Twink]

Sorry, CNS. Just a quick comment to FHS:

Thank you, FHS. On some level, I knew H's refusals, just like his MLC and As, had more to do with him than me. Emotionally, though, it was a searing rejection. It helps to hear that it really may have had nothing to do with me.

[crushednstuck]

No worries. I think it's largely perception. My W claims to have attempted to initiate sex multiple times, yet I don't recall ever denying her except on the occasion where it was 4am and I'm pissed that I had to put the kids in bed alone.
She may be justifying her A by saying I didn't want sex. But I know now that at times I wasn't the warmest person.
I think I read on this board "you believe half of what an MLC'r does and none of what they say."

[crushednstuck]

Help. W is still in her A and won't leave OM. However, she's entered some counseling with me. I'm dealing with an overly-empathetic therapist and am taking the 2x4s from both. "But she had the affair!", he said childishly.
W has recently shown warmth and is claiming to make the effort. I told her the biggest signal she could give me is one that she is not prepared to do. To her credit, she's invited me to dinner more than once. Sometimes these encounters end well, but mostly not. It's almost like she has a great time then has remorse over the interaction.
I spent an hour with my IC today who was proud of me. She says I'm patient and forgiving. Apparently, W and joint therapist think this under-emotional approach makes me the anti-christ. W has long claimed she needed more emotion from me. I'm no caveman, but I don't discuss what my co-workers were wearing today either. I was shocked that JT had no problem with her demanding honesty and full disclosure from me while she was still in her A. I was psyched to be in JT finally, but not like this.

[LanceSijan]

CNS

Let me caution you that going to MC during replay does not usually work. Often the MLC'er will use it as justification to end the marriage rather that work on it.

Also you are reading GAG's thread. Remember that she is already divorced and her husband is not in replay anymore.
Generally the first three stages of MLC are running away and the last three are rebuilding. There are slight differences depending on the stage that you are in.

Hang in there with the JT, although you must keep in mind what I said.

[PEI]

I agree with Lance ... be careful with the MC. I've become a big believer in "bad MC is worse than no MC". If you end up with a MC who is not decidedly pro-marriage and on the same page in terms of solution focused therapy AND you're there too early ... well, lets just say... be careful.

Keep up your IC, focus on you, detach ... you're learning the drill.

Peace
PEI

[crushednstuck]

Thanks Lance and PEI, I'm 2 meetings into MC and was initially psyched W was engaging. I intentially selected a female MC to offer some comfort to W and hopefully learn something myself. But as the two sessions unfolded, I'm becoming more skeptical of the process.
W's lease in ending and she is entertaining the idea of coming back and I told her that I couldn't allow her to keep seeing OM because its a boundary. She didn't scream and yell. She agreed. I want to read something into this, but don't want to be scorched. She is highly suspicious of me and her friends right now. She is reading things into my outings that simply aren't there. I'd like to think she would stop the more she's around me, but don't know.
Your advice carries wisdom though. I can't seem to make her happy. I'm doing the things that make me better..working out, journaling, investigating my own issues. She says my working out during M took me away from her. She insists she can't be active, but I'm just looking for something to do together/ as family. If I rely on her guidance, we'd do nothing but read the paper, eat, drink coffee, and sample wine. I love those things, but a complete, adventurous life they don't make.
Sorry, more long posts.

[punkin]

Crushed -

I'm no expert on MC, but if after two meetings you are not getting a good vibe about it, perhaps you should try to find another. I have not had the opportunity to go to MC with H, but all the reading here suggests, as PEI said, No MC is better than bad MC. Also, if her heart ain't in it, well . . .

What did the two of you do when you first met. What were your common interests? My friend at lunch today said the same thing about her husband. " He comes home, eats, then leaves to work out for two hours, and I'm always alone." She asked him to change his workout schedule and workout before he came home, then spend some evening time with her, but he said " Right at that time all the machines are full and I hate to wait ". Probably an accurate point, but what about time with his wife?

Just saying, and it sounds as if you are really trying, you may have to do some trade off in accomodations, but if you are both willing, then do so. If you are not both willing, then what has been accomplished?

[crushednstuck]

Thanks Punkin, I am gun shy of the MC, ironically, after pushing for it as soon as I learned of A. However, I feel I need to follow through a bit. The drawback is that I keep hearing the same story over and over. I've attempted acknowledging her anger, listening only, defending myself, and of course trying to fix it. None of the approaches prevent the anger monster from coming back and rehashing the same topics over. This was true during our M when she couldn't let things go. During our separation, I've actively attempted all methods for letting her get it out, but it never goes away.
When we met, the activities we did surrounded going out. We would go for casual rides and the occasional kayak, but it was made clear she was making concessions and I "owed her one". We travelled much around the state with me playing semi-pro sports. She loved the group and the drink up after. But once we got older and the guys starting pursuing family and careers, we went our separate ways as the sport was the only thing we really had in common.
I searched to replace the rush of competition, but could never find things she would join me in. So I started triathlon, which she now castigates me for. It was personally rewarding but started driving a wedge between us. I was approaching middle age and needed to prove my viability.
When kids joined the picture, I needed to find things to wear out active bodies, build their own confidence and prompt family cohesion. I struggled. She seemed content to do this inside Target every weekend.

[punkin]

I know that feeling. The Target thing. Wal-Mart wears me out. You reminded me of myself and H when you said you used to say "You owe me one" . We did the same thing ourselves, mostly with rock concerts. I went to Metallica for him. He went to Michael Bolton ( back in the day) for me. That kind of thing. Perhaps you should re-initiate that kind of thing.

Little things like that can have deep meaning. My H used to always go grocery shopping with me, and at the check out, we would both guess how much it would be. Whoever was closest without going over got to choose the "activity" that night, if you catch my drift.

Little things can mean a whole lot in hindsight.

[crushednstuck]

Great ideas Punkin. The playful small things disappeared long ago and I find myself trying to remember her happy. Unfortunately, there were seemingly never any ways to reciprocate. I always owed her one.
No offense, but your H shares my music taste...Master of Puppets you know.