I was reading an article about wive's and families of policemen who have to live this way, but its a bit different.
Those women and their children have to live each day knowing that they may get a phone call at any time informing them their H has been killed in the line of duty, etc. This causes a great deal of anxiety and fear, but in that case its a bit different...
His JOB is what does that to the family not his attitude... And I think Police have to buy a lot of insurance due to the risks they are taking... Which I know is only money but it does set the mind at ease...
Living with the idea that your H and father can and wants to walk out on you every day takes its toll... Feeling miserable isnt' a justification to beat your family to death with it...
I don't want to tell people who feel sad simply to suck it up, but sharing the idea of escape iwth yoru family while IGNORING THIER panic ENTIRELY just seems incredibly destructive and selfish
I guess, I'm trying to decide if the following should be my stance come "decision time" next week:
Me to H: "If you want to stay in this house and work on the marriage, you can under certain conditions for both of us (as discussed previously in thread). You don't have to commit 100% to be married, but you have to at least be willing to be positive and hopeful that this CAN work out if we both do the hard work involved. If you are still of the mindset that you don't want the M and only want to be friends, you need to leave."
I think teh wording needs some teweaking but this is a fair position to take, and a healthier one for the whole family realtive to the one he is perpetuating
OH and ya its good to hear your Son has confirmed the abuse angle we were takling about earlier.. I suspect your Daughter would say something similar...
It IS abusive to constantly hold the threat of abandonment over your families head...
I don't think WH views it as a threat as much as him just "saying how he feels"... But he has to realize he has commitments and kids so there are more impotant things on his plate than simply how he feels right now...
I think you need to set a boundary that you will not allow talk of leaving in the home. If he's going to leave he needs to do it or participate in the marriage... But that may just tip the scales..
You guys will have to decide if you want to subject yourselves to the abuse in hopes that a positive atmoshphere and your hard work as a family will gradually improve his attitude OR if you want to send him away until he realizes what he's missing to protect the family.
Wow, that was all in one sentence! lol
But a GREAT sentence! LOL. I was responding the same time you were writing - about just that: trying to decide my stance.
I KNOW D18 would feel the same way. She's as much said so already just not in the same words. It hit me yesterday how much I resent H doing all of this right now and being so self-centered. How awful is it to look at my D going away to college in just a few weeks and we haven't even gotten to focus on her AT ALL. Everything this summer has been about H and the "marital issues" when it should be a time to spend with my daughter. Yes, I realize that is all in attitude and I should've done a better job separating myself out of that. I've tried to make sure to do the right things by her. It's just not the scenerio I would've liked to have seen with our oldest child leaving for school.
I was reading an article about wive's and families of policemen who have to live this way, but its a bit different.
Those women and their children have to live each day knowing that they may get a phone call at any time informing them their H has been killed in the line of duty, etc. This causes a great deal of anxiety and fear, but in that case its a bit different...
His JOB is what does that to the family not his attitude... And I think Police have to buy a lot of insurance due to the risks they are taking... Which I know is only money but it does set the mind at ease...
Living with the idea that your H and father can and wants to walk out on you every day takes its toll... Feeling miserable isnt' a justification to beat your family to death with it...
I don't want to tell people who feel sad simply to suck it up, but sharing the idea of escape iwth yoru family while IGNORING THIER panic ENTIRELY just seems incredibly destructive and selfish
Yep: you're right. With H, he doesn't even get that he is inducing this panic. Everyone is being strong and resiliant, so he's fine with it. AND...it doesn't help that he feels as long as he is contributing his paycheck that he's "doing his job" and providing security. I don't think he gets that emotional security is just as important, if not more so, that financial security. I've tried telling him but he doesn't see it quite frankly - at least not right now.
If you are willing to commit to work with this family, you are welcome to be part of this family and remain here with us. The boundaries we need to lay out for our safety would apply to both of us. Your family would love to have you here. But it is imperative that you offer a positive and hopeful atmosphere. This CAN work out if we both do the hard work involved - families accomplish this every day. You may not feel that way, but this doens't dismiss the facts.
Famlies either work on their problems and overcome them, or they run away and allow the family to fall apart. If you insist on clinging to a negative and threatening mindset that you don't want the marriage and don't want to live with this family, you need to be elsewhere for the emotional and physical health of myself our children.
It is REALLY important that you word this as a family, NOT as YOU vs HIM.. if you do that tehn you will drive him away most likley...
I wanted to say more, about your daughter going off to college and needing the security of a strong family at home. About going to college with the fear that your family could fall apart and not even be tehre when you come back... Or about all your changes and how hard it is to keep those going and going to school with all the negativity...
You could go on, but I think its important to be concise... as long as its worded as him being part of the family or NOT then he's really got a tough choice (no A cake-eating anymore, he has to take B or C only)
If he thinks everyone will be happy or even most of his kids will be happy with him moving out then he gets choice A, he gets his family and his indepdendence...
he will ALWAYS choose that over C (making 100% commitment to teh home)... I think you see where I am going... you just need to keep teh famly a united front
OK: Got it! Focusing on the family rather than "the marriage" is key. That's an important distinction. HE may not see that (since he thinks the kids will be "fine"...) but it is important for me to hammer that home.
The crazy thing is, H thinks D is the least to be affected since she is going off to school - but I think it's probably worse for her because of the very things you said above!
