Your youngest son may just be too young to deal iwth this problem... It may be a bit over his head... THat's why I suggested just your oldest son and you daughter... you three sit down and tell him that he is not getting a get out of marriage free card and there WILL be consequences for him abandoning the family... and USE that WORD...
As long as they or you make it easy for him to walk away, he's going to lean that direction...
Your youngest son may just be too young to deal iwth this problem... It may be a bit over his head... THat's why I suggested just your oldest son and you daughter... you three sit down and tell him that he is not getting a get out of marriage free card and there WILL be consequences for him abandoning the family... and USE that WORD...
As long as they or you make it easy for him to walk away, he's going to lean that direction...
I agree. Of course, if he does do it anyway, I think there may still be hope that he will realize it's not all it's cracked up to be and doesn't solve his issues and want back in, but I'm hoping he is not so hard-hearted and stubborn that that's what has to happen in order for him to realize it. From experience with our first separation many years ago, however, that's what it took. I'm trying like you-know-what for it not to come to that, esp. with the kids at stake here, but I just don't know.
The first time we separated was in the 3rd year of our marriage. It's an unusual situation in that we were involved in this church that was very hardcore and demanding. He said they controlled our lives and he wanted out. Looking back, I agree - the church was really cultish. But anyway, at that time he blamed me for getting us involved and said he had to get away from the situation, and from me, because obviously I wanted to be part of it, etc... I tried telling him otherwise but just like now, he "couldn't see loving me again in that way." He left me with our 2 oldest children being very young at the time, 3rd not born yet. Now, he didn't spend much on being separated because he went to stay with one of his friends on base - he was in the military. So, no money wasted. At that time I had already read Dobson's Tough Love book and so I was successful in manning the line of self-respect - didn't beg or plead for him to come back, etc... For a couple of months we communicated about the kids and that was basically it. Oh, he also refused MC at that time: went once and that was all. After several months of separation, H was deployed to the Gulf. He wrote occasionally and called - checked on the kids. Eventually he started saying there might be a chance for us, etc... and we reconciled. So, I would say that my letting go brought him back. It was kind of DBing without knowing it.
I truly can't say he wasted money in the process though. Quite frankly, his guilt probably kept him from wasting money - having left me with 2 young kids.
When he then had the EA in our 7th year of marriage, it was all through online gaming sites. Can't say he wasted any money there either. When I caught him (discovered some emails) he was shocked I found out but ended it immediately. It lasted for about 3 months I would say before I found out.
Now, more recently, I also can't say he has wasted a ton of money, but yes, some here and there. $50 for that background check - the large screen tv for his XBox escape and of course, all the games (but boys benefit too), his trip to Vegas where he just "had to get away" and "deserved"....
BUT... I will concede that he has spent little on himself most of our years together. The biggest issue isn't how much he has spent on himself, but how he justifies all HIS purchases but none of mine.
S16 talked to me last night, btw. Guess what he said? He would rather H leave than continue all this "maybe, maybe not" business. He said it makes him feel very anxious and he would rather just know. Said maybe if H can't make up his mind he should go - at least for a week or 2.
SO, basically he confirmed what was discussed previously: the holding leaving over the head is a form of emotional abuse.
Last night was another calm night for the most part. H and I did our 30 minute convo and actually did a logic puzzle together, which was fun. We ate dinner as a family for once and H then asked me if I minded if he played some XBox. I then watched a movie with the boys.
H went to bed before I did for once and when I came to bed, he was very affectionate, wanting to scratch my back, etc...
SO, I don't know if he's coming around or just wanted some action or what the deal was. If the only change had been when I came to bed, I'd say he just wanted sex. But, the attitude, etc... beforehand was different as well. Don't get me wrong - I'm not getting my expectations up. I learned better from doing that at the weekend retreat! But, it's hard for me to fathom him actually wanting to leave when he's acting this way while he's here.
He FEELS hopeless and has no education on this subject so he has to rely on his instincts...
And they tell him - RUN!!!
He doen'st WANT to run, he feels like that's his only hope to escape his miserable feelings...
There ARE better responses, but he doenst have the education so he's relying on instincts alone.. see?
Yeah, I can see that. Although, he got quite the education last weekend and still refuses to let parts of it sink in. Lets hope enough stuck that he finds his way through it. It's hard for me to try to piece this R back together when he wants to one minute and doesn't the next - or wants to for the wrong reason (co-parenting).
Even S16 said maybe it's best he goes so he can see that he's NOT happier off on his own... but, that's not what I want to happen, obviously. I can't help but wonder if it might be for the best though, if his mindset doesn't change.
OH and ya its good to hear your Son has confirmed the abuse angle we were takling about earlier.. I suspect your Daughter would say something similar...
It IS abusive to constantly hold the threat of abandonment over your families head...
I don't think WH views it as a threat as much as him just "saying how he feels"... But he has to realize he has commitments and kids so there are more impotant things on his plate than simply how he feels right now...
I think you need to set a boundary that you will not allow talk of leaving in the home. If he's going to leave he needs to do it or participate in the marriage... But that may just tip the scales..
You guys will have to decide if you want to subject yourselves to the abuse in hopes that a positive atmoshphere and your hard work as a family will gradually improve his attitude OR if you want to send him away until he realizes what he's missing to protect the family.
I guess, I'm trying to decide if the following should be my stance come "decision time" next week:
Me to H: "If you want to stay in this house and work on the marriage, you can under certain conditions for both of us (as discussed previously in thread). You don't have to commit 100% to be married, but you have to at least be willing to be positive and hopeful that this CAN work out if we both do the hard work involved. If you are still of the mindset that you don't want the M and only want to be friends, you need to leave."
