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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Rich 123] #2051031
08/05/10 08:40 AM
08/05/10 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I think the term "hard approach" is not always what people think. Give her a divorce and get a fair settlement. All that means is the legal part of your marriage has been dissolved. If she is not BS'ing you then she will get C'ing without your prompting and will want to get to know you again. If she is full of crap then at least the business side of things will be settled and you can go from there.


This made me see that this might work the best for me.

Last edited by Rich 123; 08/05/10 08:41 AM.
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051193
08/05/10 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
Quote:
That's always been my biggest concern with the LRT strategy in terms of spouses who have felt neglected. I know that often when I pull away, my W has felt like I'm cold and withdrawn.
Call bull$hit on that one. Cause that is EXACTLY what it is: I (WA) want out and you (LBS) won't beg me to stay. You won't allow me to manipulate you anymore, therefore, you must be cold. Don't fall for it.
If it was me I would be wary of using the LRT on the WAS who felt neglected. If they felt "invisible, "you don't understand/see me," or "unloved" then you need to be able to show love (lovingly detach), don't put up with CB (boundaries) and take care of yourself (GAL). How are you going to change their feelings of neglect? How would you make them feel "seen," understood, supported, cared for and loved? Which feelings are you trying to validate? I understand the detaching can appear cold. Activity creates warmth.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051287
08/05/10 06:58 PM
08/05/10 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
H told me when he dropped the bomb that I just didn't want any part of phy R..I
You validate his feelings. Then you let him know that he doesn't know what you think/feel/believe (mind reading.)

"I can understand how you could see it that way. Please don't tell me what I am thinking about our M by saying I don't want a physical R. What I really think about our R is___________________."

For a so-called logical man he sure does use his feelings a lot?

The pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. Stop his feelings of pain. Create some emotional connection. Flirt with him, be mysterious, let him come to you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051288
08/05/10 07:00 PM
08/05/10 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: john28
I'm just not very good at dodging those questions gracefully. I don't know how to respond to those without making her angry.
You begin by rejecting your own premise

Whether or not your response makes her angry has to become completely irrelevant to your way-of-thinking. Or at least, SECONDARY to the far-overriding factor of "Is this The Right Thing to Do in this situation?"

Until you LOSE THE FEAR that your responses will "make her angry," you will NEVER get anywhere.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051312
08/05/10 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Quote:
I've not thought about a no-contact letter. Can you elaborate? What would be the stipulations of such a letter?
Something like this:

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:

Dear [put name here],
The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt Ive caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,


[name here]


It should be clear and straightforward, with no romantic flourishes. YOU, as the betrayed spouse, need to approve the final copy, and YOU need to either deliver it or mail it to her OM, so that nothing is added, embellished, or taken away to "soften" it.

What type of transparency plan are you going to put in place? I would strongly suggest that it contain at least ONE intel channel that she does NOT know about, for obvious reasons.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051316
08/05/10 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Click on Robx and then "View User's Posts," and you'll have a treasure trove of information on various scripts, etc. This is one that I just happened to save to my own personal archives; adapt for gender, etc.:


RobXs approach:



Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051323
08/05/10 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
SAHDs have a particular challenge when it comes to attraction, as it's very easy for your wife to see you as the female in the relationship. Fairly or unfairly, this topic of "gender confusion" has been discussed wildly on this forum, and of course written about, and the women will tell you this is true.

I understand the SAHD is a career decision you guys have probably made, but why is your wife doing the outside chores, while you are doing laundry and dishes and such?

If I were you, I would try to look for things that you can INITIATE (don't wait for her to ask her, nor chime in to help her when she initiates a chore), in the way of home improvement or yard projects.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051337
08/05/10 08:06 PM
08/05/10 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Detach = give her space, let her go, agree with her, take care of yourself, play with and love on your kids, prepare yourself to be divorced, prepare for a reconciliation, take care of your business, let go of your anger, show compassion when appropriate......

These are all ways to show love to a WAS while respecting yourself.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051413
08/05/10 09:42 PM
08/05/10 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: pinhead
So the trick for me is to give her non-threatening attention. Not to act as if I'm fine she's leaving, nor to push her out the door when she starts to be afraid.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051414
08/05/10 09:43 PM
08/05/10 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: PMA_Baby!
The trick if no 3rd party is involved is to teach yourself the 4 steps of listening.

1. Shut up and listen!! Don't interrupt.
2. Mirroring - Repeat back to them what they are saying. "So I hear you saying...."
3. Validate - "I can understand why you would feel like that..."
4. Empathy - "Now that you say it like that I would have felt the same way..."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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