Yes it is my call. I do feel I need to let her know my intentions with the house. I don't want to be a total d!ck. She needs to start seeing the reality here. And its not going to be pretty for her.
She needs to start seeing the reality here. And its not going to be pretty for her.
If you want to explain the finances related to the house, go ahead. If you're expecting "her to see the reality", then you are going to be sadly disappointed, I expect.
She doesn't want the life she has now: the house, the husband, the family. She probably feels there has to be something more, that this is not who SHE is. She may feel like she is living a lie right now.
How is talking finances going to change that? If anything, it's just a sad reminder of just how lost she is which is probably how she feels a lot of the time right now.
The only thing you can do that isn't going to cause more grief is start agreeing with her while she pulls away. If she wants a divorce, give her a divorce, but protect your own interests, protect your kids.
Stop trying to pull her back or she will fight to get away even more. Don't focus on how YOU feel (your feelings will be changing a lot and often: over the next few months, if you do the work, you will go from sad, to angry, to happy, and back through it all a couple of times, so you cannot act on your feelings).
Warning: Nothing you have ever seen in a romantic comedy is going to change things.
Your mission is to focus on protecting yourself, your kids, getting a life, and moving forward. Embrace the challenge, and it will change you for the better. God (the Universe or whatever you want to call it) is offering you an opportunity to grow in ways you didn't even know you can grow. If you embrace it one tiny step at a time, you will grow into a happier, healthier, more confident person.
Can embracing the change save your marriage or revive it after death? It can, but it might not, but you won't reget it.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/05/1011:49 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
We did talk for about 2 hours. I did explain the sitch with the house and told her whether we were goingthrough what we are or if things were good, I would still look at giving the house back to the bank.
I let her talk most the time, she told me she met with a L last week and filed yesterday. She said that after I told her I wouldnt stop her on the divorce she said she figured I didnt want M either. Told her I did want the M, but that I wouldnt stop the D.
All in all it was a good talk. We will see how things go from here.
That's always been my biggest concern with the LRT strategy in terms of spouses who have felt neglected. I know that often when I pull away, my W has felt like I'm cold and withdrawn.
Hang in there dSH. It's not over til the fat lady sings.
Call bull$hit on that one. Cause that is EXACTLY what it is: I (WA) want out and you (LBS) won't beg me to stay. You won't allow me to manipulate you anymore, therefore, you must be cold. Don't fall for it.
If it was me I would be wary of using the LRT on the WAS who felt neglected. If they felt "invisible, "you don't understand/see me," or "unloved" then you need to be able to show love (lovingly detach), don't put up with CB (boundaries) and take care of yourself (GAL). How are you going to change their feelings of neglect? How would you make them feel "seen," understood, supported, cared for and loved? Which feelings are you trying to validate?
I understand the detaching can appear cold. Activity creates warmth.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That's a very interested observation on those who feel "invisible." While activity does create warmth, what specifically can be done to detach with love without feeling cold?
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
We did talk for about 2 hours. I did explain the sitch with the house and told her whether we were goingthrough what we are or if things were good, I would still look at giving the house back to the bank.
I let her talk most the time, she told me she met with a L last week and filed yesterday. She said that after I told her I wouldnt stop her on the divorce she said she figured I didnt want M either. Told her I did want the M, but that I wouldnt stop the D.
All in all it was a good talk. We will see how things go from here.
Here is a recent quote from OIN's thread, read it and understand it:
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Yes an inspiration..
BUT do you understand the dynamics of the exact thing that turned HER around? Do you know when that moment came? Or do you actually believe it was his "hanging in there and not giving up" was what did it? (you are WRONG if you believe that)
It was when he told her AND showed her that he FINALLY understood that no matter what he did that he now realized that she did NOT want to stay married and would never love him again and that he was going to STOP trying to show her how sorry he was and he was going to stop trying to win her back....(and THEN he followed through on that)
THAT was HER turning point. It was when he told her he was giving up winning her back... She THEN wrote him the letter and then told him she wanted to try..
