1. No facebook trolling – seems done; acct is suspended. 2. No texting/emailing other women about personal issues. 3. Continue with nightly homework – talks. Read books given. And implement the concepts into daily life. 4. Make a commitment to remaining positive and engaged in The R, not just for purposes of co-parenting. 5. Work on issues with FT for real solutions. (financial, etc…)
It’s #4 and 5 that I’m having trouble with. Does he have to be fully committed to M to stay home and do the work or can he just be committed to trying??? #5 – does him going to FT for personal issues count or does it have to be MC?
Is your FT aware of the program you went on and the material?
I really think that these professionals should coordinate or you have to manage that coordination... Otherwise there's a risk of working at cross purposes...
I don't think your H needs a book on setting boundaries... Where on earth did the FT get the idea that he needed to read that?
First, some of those plans are boundaries and some are tasks... I rephrased them all as boundaries (minimum commitment you can accept him living there with)
Boundaries while living together :
1. No facebook trolling - no facebook at all 2. No texting/emailing other women without ccing wife 3. Continue with nightly homework 4. One light stress free 30 min talk each day 5. Read books given - 20 pp daily 6. No negative commentary 7. No discussing marriage with children 8. All finances are done with cc to ensure its recorded 9. Financial books done and discussed end of each month 10.All purchases over 100$ are discussed first and agreed on as a couple 11. No exploring apartment buildings, asking friends if they have spare room etc
It’s #4 and 5 that I’m having trouble with. Does he have to be fully committed to M to stay home and do the work or can he just be committed to trying??? #5 – does him going to FT for personal issues count or does it have to be MC?
What do we mean by going to a FT vs going to a MC? Is he going to either right now?
Maybe put it in your signature... I really think people should put the positives in sigs, most of the time its just the negatives... Which won't motivate you much...
We are defining "commited" through our boundary list above... would you describe the person that does these things above as committed?
What else would he be doing that isn't there? Is there something else he would be doing or not doing to refine the description above?
This IS our definition of commitment above... If he sticks to that then he's committed... Just keep reading the list to decide if that makes YOU feel SAFE to continue...
This is what we are aiming for is an environment where you and the kids feel safe from abusive threats to exit the family. It's a traumatic thing to hold over people and you need to know he's NOT doing anything to hit a nerve there.
Think about things he's done so far that left you nervous... Such as hiding his phone or anything like that...
I didn't put the phone on there, feel free to add it...
I think when you present this to him you should put a list together for BOTH of you... HE needs a list so HE feels safe too...
It's like a contract and you both agree to stick to... and yes the list will be different for you two... there may be some overlap, such as the financials
Yours can have
a. Keep household surfaces clean of clutter b. etc
You put stuff in there you think would make HIM feel safe to continue working with you
The idea of the list above is that it's a 100% commitment with an indefinite time block...
He's not committed for life, but there is no time limit either... So basically you both are working each day to reknew this commitment if that makes sense...
I just dont' know if he will go for this or not...
MWD likes to just put the positive stuff on tehre like one 30 minute talk each day etc
She would likley tell you to exclude the facebook trolling thinking the 30 min talk each day would take care of the facebook problem...
I dunno.. I think its important to explicitly indicate those safety zones, particularly if they have been crossed already...
I think if you both haev a list that you negotiate ongoing it will give you both some sense of safety and confidence in each other... If I were a FT this is one of the first things I would do... I woudl try to keep the list to five or so items at first and then gradually add to it...
I would try to make sure both lists were equally weighted...
Its kinda like a practical reknew of vows without the decoration...
I try to translate "I wanna leave" into "I would like to see some positive chagnes in our marriage"
And then I go with that... You could argue a lot of infidelity is just as much a cry for help... It's an action to indicate that changes are needed.. GROSSLY unecessary and abusive beyond belief but its an expressio of thought just the same.. at least I think it is in many cases...
Through the years as a marriage therapist, I have been asked a countless number of times: “We were so wild about each other. So much in love. So passionate. How could we have possibly grown this cold and distant from each other?”
There are a variety of answers to the above question. Below are the top ways people ruin their marriage, injure love, destroy trust and generally make their relationship a miserable experience:
1. Making other things your top priority—work, computer, friends, TV, sports, children, etc.—rather that your intimate relationship.
2. Lack of affection. Hand holding, hugs, cuddling and physical tenderness is not only erotic and seductive, but it’s a glue that keeps the two of you feeling close, connected and bonded to each other. Its absence usually means the two of you have grown far apart.
3. Dishonesty. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t act trustworthy—who has deceived, misled or betrayed you in the past—or who is secretive, hidden or withholding of feelings or important personal information.
4. Stonewalling. Rather than addressing what bothers you, you wall off and stay and walled off for awhile.
5. Being defensive. Because it becomes increasingly difficult for your mate to say anything to you that you’d rather not hear, and over time, it shuts down communication, connection and closeness, because your partner becomes afraid of (or discouraged) from telling you what’s on his/her mind or how s/he truly feels.
6. Being passive-aggressive. Not directly stating how you feel, what you want or what you need, but rather punishing your partner in any number of ways if you don’t get what you want.
7. Being overly critical or argumentative. It makes you annoying and difficult to be around.
8. Being resentful, angry or hostile too much of the time. Then people will want to avoid you, or they’ll become afraid of you. Either one will destroy intimacy and trust.
9. Being self-absorbed or self-centered. Looking out for you, not for the welfare, happiness or contentment of your partner—and certainly not being mindful of what’s in the best interest of your relationship.
10. Not taking accountability for your behaviors—especially your difficult behaviors—or feeling so self-justified and self-righteous that you seldom think you owe an apology for your hurtful, insensitive or demeaning words or behaviors.
11. Control/power struggles. No one wants to be controlled or to feel powerless, and therefore shared power is the only way that really works.
12. Being walled off. Hard to reach. Emotionally or physically distant, closed or withholding.
13. Not communicating your needs, wants or desires clearly enough, or not treating those needs, as if they’re important.
14. Seeking stimulation in all the wrong places, through alcohol, drugs, an affair, porn, sports, work or in any other way that ultimately separates or distances you and your intimate partner.
15. Infidelity or betrayal. This is the worst method ever for attempting to tell your intimate partner you’re unhappy, because once trust in ruptured, it is extremely difficult to recapture—and the price is very high. You also, inadvertently, invite a revenge affair.
16. Having low trust. It’s very hard to be with someone who isn’t willing to offer you benefit of the doubt, or who sees your motives as suspect.
17. Poor listening skills. Most people talk too much about things that don’t, and listen with a genuine desire to understand way too little.
18. Lack of sex. Your partner is bound to feel resentful, angry, rejected and cheated.
19. Not treating as important that which is important to your partner.
I am gonna shut up now... There's enough here to read for the next three days lol
