And yes, while I feel the money stuff is an issue - I can identify several of those statements above as being issues with H and I, it is definitely a smokescreen. The biggest problem I see is, if there is an issue, instead of addressing it head on, it is internalized and he runs outside the marriage to fix it, in whatever way. We don't solve things together. I get depressed and he looks for other things to make him happy. Now that we've learned all of this, however, through the weekend deal - he still refuses to fix it! To him, he still feels nothing for me and therefore, doesn't want to resolve these problems, just wants to move on.
He feels something for you he's just 99% fixated on how miserable he feels.. addicts do this all teh time.. They concentrate their mind on one thing and they convince themselves tehy don't have any other emotions...
They are ignoring their emotions is all...
I wouldn't take it personally.. when people get miserable they just can't think straight and they let it take them over.
I would just start managing finances so he can see where everything's going and he can't point fingers.. its a good habit to start doing anyways... Despite how irritating the motivator.
Well, if you use cash, forget it, you can't manage it... If you use cc that's the best.. debit tends to not keep enough detail relative to cc
CC also helps you keep in budget for the month.. you set your credit limit to just a bit over your budget and charge all of your expenses to your cc... then at the end of the month you download the charges to a spreadsheet or whatever sw tool and then you know what's gonig on
Well, if you use cash, forget it, you can't manage it... If you use cc that's the best.. debit tends to not keep enough detail relative to cc
CC also helps you keep in budget for the month.. you set your credit limit to just a bit over your budget and charge all of your expenses to your cc... then at the end of the month you download the charges to a spreadsheet or whatever sw tool and then you know what's gonig on
I think if you look at the McGraw article on managing money thre's good tips in there too... particularly about having a limit on purchases that cost a lot... like big screen TV's... any large item purchases has to fall into the budget and be discussed as a team.. etc
If you put a plan together lke that it may help too...
If he's a half decent engineer he will appreciate structure and support you on it
Has he mentioned anything else that he identifies as a problem? The home cluttered or anything?
It was - and I will admit it got pretty bad for awhile when I was severely depressed and not getting help. However: it stays fairly spotless now! The closets still need a thorough going-through, but that takes awhile with my busy schedule. I make sure every day the house is clean when H gets home from work.
I also cook a lot more now rather than getting fast food or going out like we'd been doing.
I've done all these 180's and he's noticed, but it still "isn't enough" for him it seems. I've even lost 30 lbs! (And always make sure to look as good as possible.)
I think if you look at the McGraw article on managing money thre's good tips in there too... particularly about having a limit on purchases that cost a lot... like big screen TV's... any large item purchases has to fall into the budget and be discussed as a team.. etc
If you put a plan together lke that it may help too...
If he's a half decent engineer he will appreciate structure and support you on it
Yes, and I'm sure he'd appreciate me taking the lead on it as well. BUT... doesn't it all still boil down to him wanting the relationship first? Don't we have to cross that hurdle before the real issues can be resolved???
I think MWD woudl tell you its the opposite.. that you do it til you feel it.
I think she would tell you that you make the changes first and the good feelings about the relationship will start to creep back when that happens...
SHe makes a point in her fisrt book DivorceBusting that a lot of couples stalemate themselves by sitting and waiting for the mood to strike them tow ork on their relationship and their lifestyle...
Her argument, which is the classic SBT theory is that you DO first and feel LATER
Your husband is in a classic "rut" where things are not where he wants them but instead of ACTING to CHANGE them for the better he chooses to brood about them and that just made him feel even worse ... So now he thinks ESCAPE ... ya ya that's gonna make me feel better I KNOW it...
THis is classic route to infidelity too..
Marriage turns sour Feel misrable Brood for a while Feel even more miserable Hit the PC and start trolling I feel much better now!
It's an unhealthy pattern for sure
What I would do is put a PLAN together and give HIM 50% of the work to do... don't say it mean just give him half and tell him if this is what he wants he has to work for it...
At the end of two weeks you have yours all checked off and he can SEE who is at fault... if its not done..
I am big on writing things down and breaking work up... I have a spreasheet of TODO's for my wife and I here and its all documented up... If one of us starts to slack off we KNOW its us and we can't point fingers
This i think is part of your pobelm is he doens't SEE the work you are donig...
Just put a plan together with a talbe and headings for
TASK | ASSIGNEE | DATE COMPLETED | STATUS {open,closed}
And put it all in there and make him aware of the document
Put all the cloets on there as separate tasks, put the houseork on there etc...
Once you start using that he can SEE who is to blame and he won't like it, but teh argumetns will likley stop at least
