Q : Are all your H's expenses traceable or does he usually use cash to purchase things?
I would just start bookeeping all the expenses and produce a report showing him where things are going... and just tell him "These are the facts... If you want to discuss THOSE I am happy to do so... and that took me x hours to do... and I didn't BLAME anyone while I was doing it. Next time you are worried about finances direct your energy into something construtive instead of making people feel like crap."
And walk away
I am pretty good with bookeeping and stuff if you have wrough data you want organized... I don't mind helping you get that together for him
Although, now he is basing everything on emotions and not practicalities... so yeah....he's all over the place!
See, NOW it's not about the money. It's about how his feelings for me are depleted because of the wasted money and me being depressed...and you know... we had SO many years of unhappiness... Uh, huh.. right. Rewriting history, of course.
OK, once he veers away from facts and starts talking about his feelings you go back to DR
Ignore all his negative protests and 100% of what he says etc...
pp 139 to 140 of DR to be exact.. those are two of the most important pages in the whole book...
Once he starts talking about how miserable he is just exit that and pay it no mind.
Whenever i have to talk about money with my wife I put a financial statement together. And I encourage her to use a cc for every purchase so we know where the money si going... And we both know the passwords to each others' accounts.
It's this simple: Money can ruin your marriage. In fact, it's the number one problem in marriages, and the number one cause of divorce.
People often underestimate the commitment in merging two lives together. The reason we fight most about money is because it's the most measurable. Sure, compromises also need to be made when it comes to issues of time, space and affection, but with money the give and take is quantifiable.
Dr. Phil has advice for developing and keeping marital and financial harmony.
Relationships are mutually defined. Each partner needs to be comfortable with any guidelines you set. Don't build resentment if you've agreed to it. Everyone should have some financial freedom. Whether $5 or $500, discretionary income is a must for any partnership. If you want to run it through a shredder, it ought to be your right to do so. Having your own money helps you feel like you haven't given yourself up in order to be part of a relationship. While financial independence is important, it must be balanced with accountability. Don't hide your spending habits from your spouse. Live within the boundaries you set. Consult your spouse before purchasing big-ticket items. Don't live a fairytale! Get real about how much money you have. Set a realistic budget and financial goals. Don't justify purchasing something you can't afford. Emotional problems can't be solved with money. Take a hard look at what's really behind your spending habits. Don't let yourself get taken advantage of. Are you working 80 hours a week just so your spouse can live beyond your means? That's not being a partner; that's being a paycheck, and it won't fix the problem. Negotiate, and then renegotiate when necessary. You made these life decisions together, and you can change them together. Educate yourself. Marriage is a partnership, and both individuals need to be well-informed. Many problems — especially when it comes to money — stem from lack of knowledge. When a financial issue comes up, ask yourself: Is it really a money problem or is it a relationship problem? Money should not be used as a weapon against your partner. Joint vs. Separate Accounts: Dr. Phil suggests separate accounts, because it's important to have independence and your own discretionary money.
I am wondering though if the money isn't just a "smokescreen" for his commitment issues... he may be sending you on a goose chase I think...
The best thing to do when he shifts things into his emotions is to work from a sheet with facts on it...
I do this at work all the time, people are in a conference room and they all start "he said, she said" and talk in abstracts.
I get up and start writing facts on teh board and everyone shuts up and looks at the board in seconds...
People like to see what they are dealing with, it gives them some comfort and settles their nerves...
I suspect the fact that he's panicking is because he doesn't have a lot of visibility over his lifestyle, particularly finances... I take it he doens't do accounting for a living?
The best thing to do when he shifts things into his emotions is to work from a sheet with facts on it...
I do this at work all the time, people are in a conference room and they all start "he said, she said" and talk in abstracts.
I get up and start writing facts on teh board and everyone shuts up and looks at the board in seconds...
People like to see what they are dealing with, it gives them some comfort and settles their nerves...
I suspect the fact that he's panicking is because he doesn't have a lot of visibility over his lifestyle, particularly finances... I take it he doens't do accounting for a living?
NO! Not at all. He's very analytical, which is surprising, but he's just as bad with money as I am. He's an engineer.
