Well - I DO see it: it's that HE doesn't want to own up to his part. He claims he didn't say anything because I just wanted my way. Isn't his responsibility to still be a man???
Next time he attacks you for financial mismanagement :
I am willing to accept accountability for 50% of our financial situation. No more and no less. YOU spend money just as I do. We BOTH work, not just YOU. The only differnce is I don't get PAID to raise YOUR KIDS... I have to do THAT with NO FINANCIAL gratitude at ALL.
If you can come up with some actual FACTS showing how I mismanaged things while you were careful with spending I would be happy to read it and own it... But wreckless fingerpointing is just tantamount to abuse.
If you want to start practicing spousal abouse you know where the door is.
I will not stand here and be attacked like this. OWN your HISTORY just like I AM. STOP BLAMING OTHERS and WORK on the PROBLEM. And running away to an apartment isnt working, its cowardly and selfish... you are just leaving your family to deal with the probelm that you ran away from.
They arne't trying to be cruel, its more just them being self involved
I think the most important thing to say to him is
DO you think you are the ONLY person who is unhappy here?
There is a difference between us, but its not you being more unhappy than I am.. It's how YOU are handling it and how I am handling it. I am working to improve things here while you are walking in two directions at once and worse you are threatening our children... While I have to run damage control to settle them down.
If you are going to leave, then leave, I would rather have this abuse OUT of our children's lives than have to stomach it every day. I would PREFER we worked TOGETHER as a couple to offer a better home for ourselves and our kids. But your idea of making things better is destroying them instead. And worse you try to make a false show of cooperating with your family while you are sabotaging your marriage in the background.
If you are HERE.. then BE HERE... 100%. You dont have to be happy right now, neither of us are.. But being here 50% and apartment hunting 50% isn't going to fly and you KNOW it.
Things get better when you WORK on them 100%... You can't pour water on a fire and then toss more gasoline on it by announcing you are apartment hunting...
If you actually find the courage to work with your family then do it, but do it 100% without background sabotage and abuse or don't bother.
Sorry, it came out mroe as a rant.. lol
the main thing is him being there 100%. He isn't, he's there 50% and out teh door the other 50%.
Q: You said he doenst contact his family at all? I assume that's by his choice? He ran out on them too is that right?
I like the rant!!!! Works for me! Although, I'm not sure when to use it.
As for the family: he talks with his sister some and his mom occasionally. He and his dad do not speak. I wouldn't say it's by his choice but his dad is quite the jerk. (And guess who H is acting like?!) His whole family has a history of cutting and running: his mom on his biological dad, on his adopted dad, and his stepdad on him, his mom, and sister. Yes, confusing: he has a 3 'dads' none of whom are in his life. His mom doesn't dislike me or anything, but she is so self involved that she doesn't even bother getting to know our children: no bday cards, Christmas, didn't even get a graduation card for D18 from her. So - not a lot of family attachments here.
What financial mistakes have I made specifically? If what you MEAN to say but can't summon anything other than abuse to communicate is that money got wasted I agree with you. But I will not stand here and accept blame by YOU.
Find the specifics and bring them to me or stop BLAMING and OWN your own your families finances. I can point at a dozen things you bought that I didn't agree with.
The difference here is I am not villifying you for spending money. I don't think BLAMING you will bring the money back either... It just HURTS people when you BLAME.. So STOP it.
Nice job on the financial management script... That will help me A LOT because he uses this as his main cause of "having no feelings" for me: I devastated his life and the family... he is ruined because of me... NO responsibility for self.
I don't know if he will actually hear any of it: maybe that 10% we were talking about will get through. I've already told him he needs to own up to his part: he refuses - or says it doesn't matter.
What financial mistakes have I made specifically? If what you MEAN to say but can't summon anything other than abuse to communicate is that money got wasted I agree with you. But I will not stand here and accept blame by YOU.
Find the specifics and bring them to me or stop BLAMING and OWN your own your families finances. I can point at a dozen things you bought that I didn't agree with.
The difference here is I am not villifying you for spending money. I don't think BLAMING you will bring the money back either... It just HURTS people when you BLAME.. So STOP it.
I dunno, stuff like that...
That's just it: he doesn't care that it hurts. In his mind, it SHOULD hurt - I SHOULD hurt! He is wanting to blame me for all of his unhappiness and discontent with his life and not look at himself. MLC even though he won't admit it.
I dont know if you have read up on "blame culture", but it plagues the home as much as it does the business environment.
Creating an environment/culture of fingerpointing just demoralizes everyone and creates panic and fear. It isn't a constructive solution to problem-solving.
Businesses that resort to blame and finger pointing suffer financiall ironically enough.. there are stats to prove it.
Businesses that identifiy problems quickly and act to rectify them without harming their workforce recover from problems much more efficiently.
Ironically his blaming is actually OVER wasted money lol
Has it ever occured to him that blaming you reduces YOUR motivation to go to school and secure employment? Has it ever occured to him that blaming you doens't RECOVER the money that was lost? Has it ever occured to him that BLAMING you and running away will COST MORE because in that scenario he has to pay for TWO homes instead of one?
His current strategy makes no financial sense whatsoever... and any halwway decent business manager would just fire him for blatant mismanagement of finances and staff.
That's just it: he doesn't care that it hurts. In his mind, it SHOULD hurt - I SHOULD hurt! He is wanting to blame me for all of his unhappiness and discontent with his life and not look at himself. MLC even though he won't admit it.
Well, MWD would tell you that he's just sharing his hurt because he donest know how to change things for the better... he's crying out in the only way he can.
He feels hurt and angry, but guess what... SO do you. He's in a rut and he is just giong to dig a big miserable hole fo rhimself... And it will get so deep he will need an affair or a bottle of alcohol to dig him one so deep he can't even see the sunlight anymore...
I would tell him to take the engergy he's using to blame you and direct it into something constructive instead.
How does he feel about being abandoned by his family when he was younger?
I know - that's the crazy part - that he rationalizes all his behavior even though what he is proposing solves NOTHING. Divorce will be MORE costly - 2 homes - doesn't get the money back - all of what you've said I've told him and he still doesn't care.
That's just it: he doesn't care that it hurts. In his mind, it SHOULD hurt - I SHOULD hurt! He is wanting to blame me for all of his unhappiness and discontent with his life and not look at himself. MLC even though he won't admit it.
Well, MWD would tell you that he's just sharing his hurt because he donest know how to change things for the better... he's crying out in the only way he can.
He feels hurt and angry, but guess what... SO do you. He's in a rut and he is just giong to dig a big miserable hole fo rhimself... And it will get so deep he will need an affair or a bottle of alcohol to dig him one so deep he can't even see the sunlight anymore...
I would tell him to take the engergy he's using to blame you and direct it into something constructive instead.
How does he feel about being abandoned by his family when he was younger?
WHy doens't he talk to his father?
Yeah - I can see that but how on earth to get him out of that mindset is the big question! Yeah - he's hurt and angry, but his way of coping is not healthy at all - not for his family and not even for him though he doesn't see that.
He acts like it is no big deal that he was abandoned...that he's "fine" even though he never got help.
Stupidly enough, he and his father got into it over politics and now don't speak. SOOO stupid.
